My OC Story Gone Weird
by JoyHeart
Summary: I didn't set out to make my OC evil. She did it on her own. I swear. None of the following chapters were intended to be as they are. I am just as a afraid as you.
1. Yeah I'm Evalin, What of It?

**What Happens When the OC is Technically Evil: A Mary-Sue Gone Weird and Scary Fanfiction**

**Part The First**

I stood in front of Mr. Garrison's class, arms crossed over my chest my eyebrows raised slightly as I surveyed my new classmates. They seemed like idiot rednecks that I could care less about. Goodies. Luckily I had no intention of making friends. Practicing sociopaths have no need of friends.

"Okay class, this is Evalin Smyth from Canada," Mr. Garrison said, seeming pretty much uninterested.

"But, she doesn't look Canadian, I have a Canadian brother so I know," said a boy in a green hat. I didn't understand why this school couldn't spring for some decent heating; even I had to wear my black jacket. Luckily it was leather and kicked ass so that was fine. But geez, did they give no funding to this godforsaken place?

"I wasn't born Canadian dumbass. I was born in the US and my parents immigrated to Canada when I was 2, but I wasn't nice enough for fucking Canadians so I got thrown out of the fucking country and now I'm in this godforsaken hell hole until I can scrape together enough money to move to Europe," I spat and moved into the only empty desk, between a kid in an orange parka and a weirdo French blonde girl. Fuck my luck.

"Well Miss Hoidi Toidi Canadian girl, if you think you can get all self righteous on our asses then you've got another fucking thing coming!' Mr. Garrison spat. I had a feeling he didn't much care for me. Phht, like I cared.

"Phht, whatever," I rolled my eyes and immediately yanked out a teen manga and started reading. Obviously reading all these had warped my fragile little nine year old mind but heh, too late now. I was addicted. Like many other poor psychotic girls. Ah well.

Luckily, Mr. Garrison didn't seem to give a rat's ass about me reading during class. However, I got poked by a pencil and turned behind me with a glare. There was a fat kid in a red coat smirking in a way I'm sure he thought was evil at me.

"So, you're the new kid huh? Well guess what? Now everyone is going to hate you! Just because you're new!" he has a nasally voice with a very mild Southern accent here and there. I instantly hated it.

I rolled my eyes, "okay. Well I'm going to hate you because you're a retarded redneck fat ass with a fork jammed up your hole."

His smirk fell and he glared, "AY! I don't have a fork up my hole!"

"Oh really? Well if you poke me again I'll have to jam one up there myself," I snapped and turned back to my manga.

"Whoa dude!" I heard from the green hat idiot nearby. I didn't bother looking up.

*****

Recess. I sat against the fence with my manga. The stupid French bitch showed up.

"Hello there Miss Evalin. I'm Pip," she said. I blinked.

"You're British?"

"Why, yes! I am indeed! But everyone thinks I'm French!" the girl sounded positively gleeful. How utterly aggravating.

"Great. Now why don't you go bloody a tampon you gay British wanker," I chuckled.

The British girl grinned and clapped. What the fuck? "Oh my gosh! You have no idea how good it feels to be insulted in my own tongue!"

"Aw shit," I groaned, "I didn't mean it. Go the fuck away."

"Righto!" she grinned, looking insanely happy. Oh Lord why? At least she left. Gay British freak. I turned the page.

"Hello Evalin."

I twitched. "Hello fat ass."

"Goddamn it don't call me that! How the fuck do you know everyone calls me that al'eady!?"

I didn't look up. "I didn't know. But that's the most obvious thing to call you. Since you're a fat ass."

"I am not! I'm big boned!"

I snorted with laughter, "big boned? Oh Jesus really?! Who told you that, your mom? Oh Jesus," I looked up at his face which was getting steadily angrier.

"Hey! You're the new kid; I'm supposed to make fun of YOU! That's how it works you, uh, you stupid bitch!"

I chuckled, "nice insult, did you read that off a Fruit Loops box?"

"Sh-shut up cunt!" the fat kid snapped.

"Right. Well how about you try this one on for size," I stood up. I walked straight up to him and smirked before unleashing my wrath, "you are a fat rectal discharge of a whore who fucked with a retarded squirrel. So go fuck the devil in ass and have some more retarded butt babies in hell so I can go back to reading my fucking manga in peace."

He opened his mouth, and then closed it. He opened again, and closed it. Then turned around and walked away, wide eyed and staring at the ground. Then he turned again, opened his mouth, and then turned away again and left. I snorted and went back to reading. Or I tried. Next thing I knew I was surrounded by people all talking at once.

"Oh for fuck's sake, what now?" I snapped.

"That was awesome!" the green hat kid cheered, "Cartman's never looked so devastated in his life! You are SO my hero! Even if you are a girl, you're like, the coolest girl who ever lived!"

I sniffed. "That is not news to me. Now do you actually want something or can I please go back to doing what I was doing?"

"Actually," said a boy in a blue hat and I turned toward him, pinning his eyes with my own. He hesitated but still went on, "we were wondering if, you know, you wanted to hang out or something," he shuffled his feet.

I stared, then twitched, "Hell no," I turned back to my manga.

"What? Why not?!" the blue hat kid snapped. He was met by a chorus of slight anger.

"Hey calm down guys, she's a girl. She probably just doesn't want to play with boys. Stan should introduce her to Wendy or something," the green hat boy pointed out.

"No," I said turning the page in my manga again.

"What? You don't want to hang out with girls?" the green hat boy seemed confused.

I rolled my eyes, but didn't look up again, "I don't want to hang out with anyone. Because you're all assfuckers. And I'm reading. So fuck off and leave me the hell alone."

I had a feeling they were gaping.

"Well, that was rude," came a raspy, monotone voice I glanced up finally to see a boy in another blue hat, but with a yellow pompom.

"And should I care, seeing as I don't intend to hang out with any of you?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Well, uh," they seemed to hesitate, and they huddled from what I could hear, they seemed to be discussing if it was okay to duct tape a girl to a bench. I decided that I should probably go elsewhere. I got up and left so whenever they turned back I'd be long gone. I found a spot further away, under a tree. Then I got girls around me. Goddamn it WHY?!?!?

"Hey, you're the new girl right? We like how you hate Cartman," said a girl in a pink beret, "I'm Wendy, and this is Bebe, Powder, Heidi, Annie and Red."

"Okay. I'm Evalin," I said with a sigh. It had been my experience that girls were far more dangerous than boys if you are rude to them. So I normally would try to avoid it face to face. "It's nice to meet you."

"So we were wondering if you wanted to come to our next girl meeting," Bebe cut right to the point, "They're pretty cool, we make lots of lists."

I frowned, "Um… no offense but that isn't really my thing…"

"Oh come on, just try one meeting, we think you'd have lots of fun!" Wendy said smiling.

I rubbed my forehead. "Okay. I'll go to one of your meetings. But for now, I'm really into this manga and I'd like to finish it. Is that alright?"

"Oh, that's cool, you read manga? Those are Japanese comic books right?" Wendy asked excitedly.

"Yes. This is Chobits volume 7," I replied in monotone.

"Oh, well, maybe we should try reading it," Wendy said to her friends and they nodded and went away. Oh thank you Jesus. I cracked open my manga again. Life is hard enough without frequent interupt- aw SHIT!

"Hello M-miss Evalin is it?" stuttered a small blond boy, "I-I'm Butters."

"Great," I said dully. Were new kids really that rare here that I was the new star attraction of the freak show? How very, very gay.

"S-so, how're you liking South Park so far?" Butters asked, tapping his knuckles together in front of him. He actually looked a little cute being all nervous like that. He'd be easy to use… and it would probably be useless to just insult him. By the looks of things, it'd kind of be like kicking a puppy. Not that I'd have a problem kicking a puppy… especially if it was a Pomeranian. I fucking hate those fluffy things.

"Like a granny likes her half baked mashed potatoes at the retirement home," I said, flipping another page. Reading and talking at the same time is a talent I've possessed for a long time, but it does make me read a lot slower.

"O-oh. Well, that's good then," Butters said, obviously having no idea what I meant, "So, I heard you've been sort of mean to the other guys, w-why is that?"

I sighed, leaning against the tree and closing my eyes. "Because I'm reading Butters. And when I'm reading, I don't like being disturbed. The more I'm disturbed, the meaner I get. So you'd be doing me a favor to spread that around a little and leave me alone until I'm done my manga. Okay?"

"Okay! You can count on me!" Butters said happily and ran off. I felt prickly in my chest. Letting someone off nice like that was SO not me, but as much as it was fun to toss insults and act superior I knew making enemies with EVERYONE wasn't a good idea. I was smarter than that. This is why I talked peacefully with the girls and let Butters off with a warning.

I finished the last page, and stood, holding the book to my chest. I noticed Cartman sitting in the sand box looking pissy. I laughed a little. He seemed the type to have more insults then bitch and cunt… maybe I could coax out some more. Later though, the bell rang.

*****

"What's 7 times 5?" Mr. Garrison snapped, "come on you little fucktards I know you're smarter than THIS, what about you smartass Canadian?"

I'd finished my manga so I'd been paying a little more attention but I was still bored "Goddamnit…" I muttered, "Seven times five? Well let me do a mental picture. If we assumed you watched seven bestiality porn videos last night, and then jacked off five times for each one… hmm, let's see, I'd say you jacked off 35 times last night." The orange coat kid next to me burst into hysterical laughter. I smirked just a little.

"THAT'S IT YOU STUPID LITTLE- wait a minute, 35 _is_ the answer…" Mr. Garrison seemed shocked.

"No duh fucktard," I rolled my eyes.

"Wow…" came a gasp from that stupid green hat kid.

"Great, another stupid brainiac in the class," Cartman groaned.

"Great, another oxymoron to deal with," I groaned.

"AY! What's an oxymoron you dumb whore?" Cartman snapped.

The green hat kid seemed to answer for me, "that's when you say two things that are the opposite of each other fat ass! Like a stupid brainiac!"

"Well… well, shut up Jew!" Cartman snapped.

I rolled my eyes and rubbed my forehead. This idiocy was giving me a headache. Budding sociopathic intelligences shouldn't have to deal with this sort of bullshit.

*****

At lunch I walked by the cafeteria worker Chef. He looked down at me and smiled.

"So, you're the new girl huh? How've the other kids been? I know it's hard being new but-"

"Not that hard. They won't leave me the fuck alone though," I snorted as I grabbed my tray.

"Well, if they're teasing you-"

"Oh I WISH they were teasing me," I sighed, "it's more like they're stalking me."

"OH! Oh hey Evalin! You have to come sit with us!" Wendy waved from the table grinning widely. I sighed.

"It's been like that all recess too, why don't they just, fucking, URG!" I shook my head and sighed, heading to Wendy's table. Refusing the invitation might be unwise… Chef seemed to stare as I left. I placed my tray in the midst of the girls but then quickly excused myself to the washroom. I headed out passing Cartman, the orange coat kid, and the blue and green hat boys at the front of the lunch line.

"Hello children!"

"Hey Chef," the boys said in unison.

"How's it going?"

"Bad," said Cartman.

"Only for you fat ass! That Evalin girl is fucking sweet! She just tore you down like you were nothing! AND she's smart!" the green hat Jew snapped. Huh, interesting they hadn't noticed me. I stood outside the doorway and listened.

"Well Kyle, if you like her so much then why don't you just go marry her!" Cartman growled. I snorted. Yeah, like that'd ever happen. Not to sound anti-Semitic but… ah to hell with it. Yeah, I wasn't going to marry a fucking Jew and have to deal with some Jew-bitch mother–in-law pissed for eternity that her precious little boy didn't marry someone of his own religion. I wasn't against Jews exactly, I just didn't want to marry one. Hell. I was nine. I didn't want to marry anyone at the moment. And as my life was heading at the moment I could well decide never marry anyone, ever. Anyway. this Kyle kid seemed annoying to me. Fuck it if he was defending me, I didn't need it.

"Shut UP Cartman!" Kyle shouted.

"Children, children, you shouldn't go getting all upset over a woman" Chef said.

"Well, I'm not upset I just want to break her stupid bitch legs that's all," Cartman muttered.

"Yeah, and then she'll STILL beat you up fat ass!" Kyle screamed.

"Kyle, calm down," said blue hat boy, "I mean, she's not that great. She mostly just swears a lot. And she wasn't that nice to us either."

"Well, she's going to be friends with me!" Kyle sounded very confident. Yeah, sure, in some alternate reality. Here though, not a chance. I walked back inside and went to sit with the girls, but the Jew caught up and babbled something. Damn.

"My God. What?" I growled. He took a deep breath and started again, slower.

"I said, um, would you maybe like to go to a movie after school or something, uh, just as friends?" he asked. I stared.

"No."

He seemed crushed, "b-but… why not?!"

I rolled my eyes, "because we're not friends"

"Oh," he said as I started to turn back to the girls' table, "but wait! What if, it wasn't as friends, like, a date?"

I stared again. I stared long and hard. Then I broke into loud, hysterical laughter until Kyle walked away in absolute horror. Oh, that was fun. That was really, really fun. I chuckled as I returned to the girl table. Bebe looked shocked.

"D-did Kyle just ask you out?" she gasped.

I nodded, "And I turned him down. I mean, sorry but that hat just makes me laugh."

"Well… yeah his hat IS pretty stupid…" Bebe said thoughtfully, "Hey! Maybe that should be our next list! Who has the best hat! So Kyle's would probably be low on the list…"

I sighed and bit into my apple, wondering vaguely if I should've accepted the young Jew's offer. Purely for entertainment purposes of course. He could be my next victim of toying and heartbreak which sounded like fun. I'd think about it.


	2. So Much For That Date

**What Happens When the OC is Technically Evil: a Mary-Sue Gone Weird and Scary Fanfiction**

**Part the Second**

After school I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked, irritated, out of the classroom. I didn't know why I was irritated but the feeling had grown since lunch and it was starting to eat me alive. Actually, maybe I wasn't irritated. Maybe I was feeling… guilty? Oh God no! I knew why too. I knew that messing with that Jew could be the most fun I'd had in months and I'd just screwed the opportunity. I honestly didn't think it was too late though… I looked around for Kyle. I had to kill the guilt. I spotted him walking out of the school, the blue hat kid looking concerned at him. I took it they were probably friends. Also, Cartman was dancing around him taunting in a sing song voice.

"You got turned down! You got turned down! Guess she- oh," Cartman shut up and glared as I approached, trying my best to look a little sheepish. I scratched my arm.

"Okay. Fine. I'll go to a movie with you," I said frowning.

"Y-you… really?" Kyle asked eyes wide and almost glistening in excitement. Jesus. I hoped he wouldn't wet himself. That would be awkward.

"Urg, yes really. Now wipe your damn nose and let's go," I sighed and grabbing his mittened hand. He seemed to swoon. What the hell, he was acting like a fucking girl. Lame, lame, LAME. Had to think positive, after I dated him a while and then I could dump his ass and then make him feel awkward for months, taunting him with prospect of getting back together and tearing him down again and again… the thoughts were tantalizing I could nearly taste his tears of despair.

As we left, I saw a reflection in a car's window of Stan and Cartman staring after us. Stan seemed totally shocked, and Cartman seemed pissed off. That was amusing at least. I chuckled a little as I half led, half dragged Kyle from the school into town.

"Just so you know," I said as we approached the theatre, "I'm only doing this because I feel guilty about ripping on your hat to the other girls."

"Well, it's better my hat then my actual hair," Kyle muttered but I caught it anyway.

"What's wrong with your hair? Lemme see," I said reaching for his hat.

"NO!" He shouted and clamped both hands on his head.

"Okay okay…" I said, backing up a little. He brought his hands down "NOT!" I lunged forward and yanked off the hat. I froze. A poof of red hair burst up into a huge Jewfro. I naturally burst into insane laughter. The hairstyle itself was hilarious but that _colour…_ a ginger. Could this GET any more awesome? Oh shit, I might have to use the restroom soon…

"Okay I know I know!" Kyle snapped, grabbing back his hat and jamming it on his head.

"Geez dude, bad break with hair like that, can't you get it cut?" I asked.

"No, my mom loves this look," Kyle said bitterly.

"Hmm, I'll bet," I said vaguely, "well what movie did you want to see?" I asked as we looked at the titles.

"Um, Asses of Fire 2 is-"

"Oh Lord not a sequel movie, those always suck," I groaned.

"Well, uh, what about Hotel for Dogs?"

"Lame."

"Haunting in Connecticut?"

"Super lame. gave it a crappy review. I usually agree with them."

"Well, uh, what about Monsters vs. Aliens?"

"Isn't that for kids?"

"Well we ARE kids. We're nine, remember?"

"Oh, oh yeah," I shrugged, "ah why not. Doubt it'll kill me," we walked up to the ticket booth and bought tickets.

Honestly… I did enjoy the movie. I got most of the references because I was a bit of a monster movie junkie, and I had to say Dr. Cockroach or whatever was awesome.

"He so wanted to crawl into Susan's pants and make a nest somewhere warm and dark lemme tell yeah!" I exclaimed with a laugh as we left. Kyle scratched the back of his head.

"Oh, um, yeah. Actually… well I kinda liked Insectosaurous but I don't think I got as many of the jokes as you did…" Kyle admitted.

"Kyle, it had a cockroach man playing DDR to hack a computer. Movies these days don't get much better than that, sorry," I shrugged and smirked, "unless it's anything with Johnny Depp in it. He is pure, pure smex. Especially In Sweeney Todd. That was an awesome movie," I sighed contentedly, thinking maliciously of all the blood. "Well anyway, I'll see you in school tomorrow," I turned and headed for home. After dragging Kyle by the arm to the movie I hadn't touched him since. He didn't seem to mind. In fact, he seemed pretty nervous the whole time. In fact, he shook like a little girl. I wondered if he was actually gay and didn't know it, or at least maybe bisexual. Dang it, this was the problem with exerting a sort of masculine presence; you get some weird attractions. I'd been girl crushed more than once and definitely not being a lesbian that had been very uncomfortable. Still, I can't help it. I do read teen girl manga but that isn't all I read. My interests don't always match that of girls my age and my swearing like a trucker sure as hell didn't help either. Oh well.

*****

At school the next day I overheard a bunch of guys questioning Kyle on what his date with me had been like. I was curious as to what he would say but he was a very predictable good boy. He said nothing happened; we'd just seen a movie. I was actually sort of hoping he'd make up something more interesting, but no. Ah well, I'd expected as much so…

I was heading inside when I was pretty much cornered by the blue hat kid. I think Kyle had mentioned his name yesterday… Stan right?

"Listen Evalin, if you're leading Kyle on, I'm going to SO beat the shit out of you! I don't even care if you're a girl!" he snapped. I stared.

"Stan, I only went out with Kyle on a pity date and I thought I made that clear. I didn't do anything with him other then see a movie," I rolled my eyes, "I mean, he's the type I mess with, but not-"

"Well DON'T mess with him!" Stan shouted. "He was devastated after how you laughed at him in the cafeteria and now he's happy, you're leading him around like a dog on a leash!"

I rolled my eyes again and shook my head. "Geez Stan, who put sand in your vagina?"

He froze and stammered, "H-have you been talking to Cartman again?"

"No, why?" I raised an eyebrow.

"That's what Cartman always says to Kyle."

"Really?" I was vaguely interested now. "Hmm… well anyway. If you don't want me messing with Kyle then tell him not to ask me out again."

Stan rolled his eyes now. "Yeah and he's going to listen to me. He called me last night and spent an hour talking about you!"

"Really? My God he IS like a girl," I muttered, "well then try to get him with someone else."

"Why don't you just tell him you're not interested?" Stan demanded. I sighed.

"I don't function like that Stan. If you want to fix this, do it yourself. I'm still going to do whatever I want. Actually, he might be very, very fun to mess with. But I'll give you this. I will not mess with or show any more flirtations towards Kyle unless he asks me out again. Then all bets are off and he's pretty much mine to, as you say, yank around on a leash, until I get bored or he wises up to it. So stop him from asking me out and it will be fine," I said quietly and then headed into the school. Stan stared after me. I smirked to myself, wondering vaguely if the blue eyed boy would actually succeed in stopping Kyle. But if Kyle was actually so infatuated… I wondered why he was so infatuated… not that it was so unusual for me I supposed.

In any case, I sat in my desk and pulled out volume 8 of Chobits. It was the shortest of the series and the last so I expected to finish it by recess if I got through class uninterrupted. Not to be though, I was confronted next by that British chick.

"Oh, hello Miss Evalin! Jolly nice today isn't it?" she said happily.

"Yes. It is a nice day. And I'm trying to read. So shut the fuck up wanker," I froze. Did I just do it AGAIN?! SHIT!

"Oh glorious!" she seemed to be having an aneurism. Fan-fucking-tastic.

"Look little British girl, I-"

"Erm, terribly sorry but, I'm a boy," the Brit said seeming a tad crestfallen.

"You're a boy," I sounded disbelieving.

"Yes, erm, since I was born I'm afraid," he chuckled a little at his joke, "Well, I was just wondering, if you need anyone to show you around-"

"I'm fine," I said bluntly.

"Righto then," HE said, pulling out a Charles Dickens novel, Great Expectations. I'd never read it myself, but the cliff notes of Wikipedia said something about robot monkeys. Not that I really cared. I was still wondering if the Brit was actually a boy or if he was fucking with me.

"Mmph!" parka boy now. Great.

"Hello." I replied with a sigh, "Are you just going to mumble through your coat or are you going to put your damn hood down so someone who doesn't deal with you on a regular basis can understand you?"

The parka boy hesitated, and then slowly lowered his hood. My eyebrows nearly vanished under my bangs. He was _cute_. And not little Butters cute, or Kyle's girly boy cute, but squealing Japanese school girl cute. As in he could make Japanese school girls squeal in his presence. Wow. Just… just wow. Not that I was interested but I'm not blind to what's cute.

"Hey, I'm Kenny. So, you're dating Kyle now?" he asked.

"Um…" I frowned a little, "I suppose I might be, but it's not like I'm tied down or anything," I shrugged, "It was more of a pity date but if he asks again I might go for it."

Kenny smirked, "Well you know, if you're looking for something else, I'm down for a one night stand."

I couldn't help it and let out a laugh, "Kenny, you're nine. I'm nine. Do you even get erections?"

"Um, well no," Kenny admitted, "But I wouldn't mind a blow job-" he paused, "Uh, you don't have syphilis do you?"

"No, but I don't give bjs," I said raising an eyebrow, "I AM nine, despite my swear vocab. Sorry boy-o. Not happening."

"Eh, worth a try," Kenny shrugged, "Have any age you might want to try? In case I might want to call you up?"

I smirked a little, "Well, try when I'm sixteen and we'll see."

"Nice," Kenny smiled and put up his hood again. I turned back to my manga.

"What did I hear about you giving Kenny a blow job?"

"Hello fat ass," I said, not looking up, "Kenny was just asking if I was as good as your mom was to him last night. Sorry to say I'm not nearly as experienced, but I haven't met a Popsicle yet who complained…"

Kenny broke into violent hysterics. I smirked at my manga.

"AY! Wait… were you insulting me or you?" Cartman asked, seeming confused.

"Figure it out fat boy. If I gave you all the answers I wouldn't have nearly as much fun watching you squirm," I chuckled.

He was staring at me, I could feel it, but I let it go. He sat behind me so I couldn't really go after him for it without seeming like a spaz. The rest of the class gradually filed in. Kyle and Stan seemed mad at each other; I think I could guess why. Kyle waved at me and I raised my eyebrows in vague acknowledgement. I wouldn't play with my new toy until he was out of his wrapping paper. That being my promise to Stan I wouldn't touch him unless he asked me out again. His choice.

"Okay, now who can tell me which of the ancient world wonders is from Egypt? How about you smartass Canadian?" Mr. Garrison smirked. I sighed.

"The Pharos, or Lighthouse of Alexandria," I said, flipping a page.

"HA! WRONG retard! They built the Pyramids! You're WRONG!" he was getting pretty excited.

"Oops. You got me. I should've realized you were too much of a retarded dog shit to know the Egyptians built two of the world wonders and you meant the most obvious one," I sighed, "though I suppose the Greeks did design the lighthouse, I would expect the Egyptians to have put in a lot of hours work into the thing. And by the way, of the Pyramids of Giza, only the Pyramid of Khufu was a world wonder."

"Huh?" Mr. Garrison stopped his celebratory dance.

"Do you even know the seven world wonders dipshit?" I asked skeptically.

"Oh, I do! I do!" Kyle said hopping up and down in his seat, hand raised. Cartman seemed to be doing an imitation behind me.

"Shut up Kyle," Mr. Garrison snapped, "Well Miss Smartass, if you think you know so much, then how about you teach the class about the ancient Egyptians!"

"Gladly. Anything's better than your ugly ass face droning on," I spat, getting up and making my chair screech. I walked boldly to the front of the class and took the chalk from Mr. Garrison, "Egyptians. Okay. I know about these fuckers. Everybody grab your paper and pens cause I'm only saying this crap once so you'd better have it down somewhere," I sent a glare and several kids yanked their paper out immediately. Not Cartman but I wasn't surprised and I didn't care.

"Right. Egyptians lived in Egypt. Duh. Egypt is in Northern Africa. It's mostly desert, except around the river Nile. It's the second longest river in the world, coming from the Mediterranean Sea. The Nile floods in a pattern and it irrigated the land, so you could grow things on the shores. They, unlike most ancient civilization who based their calendar after the moon, based theirs after the Nile flooding. That's where the Egyptians lived, on the Nile. It was sacred to them. Okay, they had a bunch of Gods, most importantly, the Sun god Re. He had a symbol used for healing called the Eye of Horus, it looked something like this," I drew on the board. A hand was raised "Yeah Butters?"

"Can I go to the bathroom Miss Evalin?"

I glared and he shrunk in his seat, "No you can't dumbass, I said I was only saying this once and no one here's gonna share notes with you so just deal with it," I sighed, "kay. So the Egyptians were actually one of the more advanced ancient civilizations. They had the pyramids up earlier then 3000 B.C. You've got your rumors of aliens and slaves but no one really knows how they did it cause they don't have any writings about how they did it or anything. But all the pyramids are positioned under a star, and each side exactly faces north, south, east and west. They were originally decked out in white stone and gold, but robbers pretty much got all that over the years," I took a breath. Some were writing furiously. Others just sat mesmerized almost. Whatever, "Kay, so, they've all got these passages under them that have the Pharaoh's, that's the Egyptian king's, mummies under them. Mummies are their dead bodies preserved by yanking out the internal organs and drying them out. Death was important to Egyptians and they had an intricate belief system about it but that is way too long to bother with and I doubt you even fucking care. Just remember it was recorded in the Book of the Dead and you'll be fine. Oh, and it involved weighing the heart in the afterlife."

Cartman raised his hand. I raised my eyebrows. "Yeah? What fat ass?"

He scowled, "AY! I'm not- ah whatever. Didn't they rip the dead guy's brain out though his nose?"

I smirked. "Actually, yes they did. No surprise you'd know something like that…"

"AND the Egyptian God of Mummies was Osiris!" Kyle piped up.

"Uh… yeah…" I said looking uncertainly at him, "Okay… well, anyway. It wasn't just the Pyramids. They also had a bunch of step Pyramids. They looked something like this," I drew a rough sketch on the board, "so yeah, those were tombs too. Then they realized that they were like beckons to grave robbers and then tombs were hidden."

"Like King Tutankhamen! The most complete tomb of a king ever found!" Kyle said excitedly, "and it was cursed!"

"Kyle, would _you_ like to teach this class?" I asked menacingly. He shrank in his seat. "Thought so," I sighed once again, "Anyway, the more important you were, the better your coffin. Coffins were called sarcophaguses. That's all for death. Now, you've got a bunch of fucking Egypt peasants out in the fields toiling away. Back in the palace you've got Pharaohs living like fucking living gods. Worshiped and lavished with everything. But, they were in charge so… ah whatever. Came at a small price, mostly they married siblings. Of course often they spent more bed time with their personal harems. Eventually the Greeks invaded and their city of Alexandria became largest of the ancient world until Rome. There is the Lighthouse of Alexandria. Biggest at the time anyway, used a mirror to reflect the sun or fire to warn ships. Alexandria also had biggest library at the time, but that got torched at some point… hmm…" I thought about what else there was "Oh yeah, Egypt got ruled by Greeks for a while and later Romans. Cleopatra the skank had it on with Julius Caesar and Mark Antony and got powerful till Augustus smacked them up and Cleo committed suicide, supposedly by trying to suckle an asp. So then Egypt became Augustus' personal possession and had to give a lot of grain to Rome until the fall and then I guess it's not so ancient anymore. The end," I stretched and went back to my seat to a storm of applause.

"That was great!" Wendy cheered, "You must've just went over pretty much everything in one period!"

"Yeah great, now what am I supposed to teach these little monsters?!" Mr. Garrison snapped.

"I don't know, how you fuck a man, a woman, a dog and Cartman's mom all at the same time?" I suggested.

"AY! Who told you my mom was a hermaphrodite?" Cartman demanded, "It was Kyle wasn't it?!"

I turned and stared at him blandly, "Your mom is a hermaphrodite. That explains a lot," I turned around again and picked up my manga as Mr. Garrison fumed.

"Listen Miss Evalin that does it! You can just march yourself right down to the office!" he snapped.

I sighed, got out of my chair, and headed out of the classroom. I went to the office and sat outside next to the boy with the yellow pompom on his blue hat.

"So, what're you in for?" he asked in monotone.

"No idea. I think I taught circles around Mr. Garrison and then implied he liked group sex with animals. Whatever. You?" I inquired.

"I flipped off the Home EC teacher. I think. Actually it might've been anyone. Everyone always complains I do it," he flipped me off.

"You just flipped me off," I said blandly.

"No I didn't."

I rolled my eyes, "Kay, whatever. It's one of the tamer offensive gestures. I wouldn't care even you admitted it."

"But I didn't," he flipped me off again. I looked at him closely.

"You seriously don't notice do you? Must suck to have that reflex," I shrugged as the door opened and I was called inside. A man with glasses and a ginormous head was shuffling papers.

"M'kay, now you're Evalin Smyth is that correct? I'm Mr. Mackey," the big head guy said with a smile. I shut the door behind me and took the seat obviously meant for his student visitors. Oh god, I had to think that now? I suppressed a laugh. His student visitors. Classic humor of a dirty mind.

"Mmm-hmm," I nodded vaguely once I had control of myself.

"Now, Mr. Garrison tells me you've been using some foul language in class, m'kay? Now, uh, foul language is bad," He said in drawl and I really fought to not roll my eyes.

"Actually, I don't agree with you Mr. Mackey," I said as intelligently as possible. He stared.

"M'kay…" he said, cocking his giant head to one side.

"You see, swearing is a much healthier release of bad feelings then violent actions is it not? Furthermore, used correctly the shock value balanced with intelligent conversation can evoke a positive reaction from the right audience. In fact, this audience being children in my age group, the swearing becomes something like street cred. If you don't swear you end up verbally and physically abused. Although… I'll admit I swear more than necessary for a decent position," I explained articulately.

"M'kay…" Mr. Mackey said again. Clearly his catch phrase.

"However, I will tell you that a truce can be reached. I will no longer imply that Mr. Garrison sleeps with animals in class if he stops referring to me as 'Miss Smartass Canadian'. Does that sound reasonable to you?" I asked innocently.

"Mmm… yes. Yes that should be good. Right. Well, pleased to meet you anyway Miss Evalin and I'd like you to know that if you have any problems, you can just come straight to me, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey said smiling. I looked skeptical.

"I doubt it will be necessary. Still, thank you for the offer," I reached up and grabbed the doorknob, letting my nine year old self out. I went back to class and sat in my seat. Mr. Garrison didn't say a word. I wondered if Mr. Mackey had called him already or something. Anyway, wasn't like I cared. The bell rang and recess was on, like, now.


	3. How I Love My Evil Plans

**What Happens When the OC is Technically Evil: A Mary-Sue Gone Weird and Scary Fanfiction**

**Part The Third**

_((Joyful Note: Now 2 people commented on this story! Great! I'll keep putting up my parts then I guess. Lucky you))_

Recess. I tried reading Chobits 8. I didn't _really_ expect to go uninterrupted I suppose, but I had hoped. Ah well. That's my fucking luck as per usual.

"Hey Evalin" Kyle squeaked and I looked up. He was shifting uncomfortably above me and I sighed, bookmarked the page with my finger, and closed the book around it.

"Hey Kyle" I said blinking slowly.

"Th-that was really cool in class. The lesson part I mean. Not that totally ripping on Mr. Garrison wasn't cool! It was! But, well, you know a lot about ancient Egypt. Do they teach it early in, you know, Canada?"

"No, not really. I just seemed to read a lot, it's not always manga." I shrugged.

"Ha, yeah" Kyle awkwardly "So, uh, I was wondering if… uh…"

"KYLE!" Stan's voice ran gout and I jumped just a little as blue hat boy appeared out of nowhere and grabbed his best friend's hand "No Kyle! She's not really interested; she's just going to hurt you!"

"Shut UP Stan! You don't know anything about it! Evalin, do you want- MMPH!" Stan clapped his gloved hand over his friend's mouth.

"Come ON Evalin! Tell him yesterday was a pity date! Tell him you aren't really interested, he isn't going to believe me!" Stan begged. I raised my eyebrows.

"Why do you care so much Stan… are YOU interested perchance?"

Stan froze, eyes widened, as if he was having a random epiphany. Or maybe just gas. Still, this allowed Kyle to break free. But he still stared at Stan, not me. Hmm… perhaps there was something gay to him. I had suspected as much.

"N-no, of course I'm not! He's my best friend, a-and I have a girlfriend!" Stan insisted.

"Then don't try to run my life asshole! I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself!" Kyle snapped; apparently to Stan's shock "Evalin, do you want to come over for dinner tonight? Only you can't swear, my mom will go ballistic."

I smirked ever so slightly at Stan and then flashed a grin at Kyle "It won't be easy for me of course, but I suppose I could give it a try"

"Really? Awesome!" Kyle cheered and I chuckled slightly as I returned to my manga. Kyle left happily, Stan not so much. How absolutely fantastic. I pissed off Stan and set up Kyle for possible weeks of entertainment…

I managed to get through two more pages anyway before Cartman showed up.

"Alright bitch, I'm ready for you this time!" he snapped. Looking eager, evil, and fat. It was a pretty killer combination. And honestly, extra weight isn't really a problem to me. Cartman was so fun to provoke.

"Are you now?" I said with a small smile "Alright fat ass, let's see your guns"

He seemed taken mildly off guard by my intrigued look. Then he smirked, and I raised an eyebrow. Then… he started… to sing? Whoa.

"_WELLLLLLL!!!!! Evalin's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the second biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she-"_

"Wait wait wait!" I said, holding up my hands and scowling just a tad "What do you mean second?"

"Well, Kyle's mom's already the biggest" Cartman explained, seeming a little put out.

"Aw, I get it. You already wrote this little song for her didn't you?" I sighed "That hurts Cartman. Really, you couldn't even put in the effort to make a new insult song for me?" I widened my eyes into my best 'innocent' look and pouted a little.

He seemed shocked "I- but- you- aren't-" he sputtered "Aren't you dating the Jew?"

I laughed "I guess, but I wasn't hitting on you fat ass"

"W-well, you, Urg!" he stomped a short ways off and I burst into laughter. He turned, glaring bullets "THIS ISN'T OVER BITCH!"

I shouted back "IT BETTER NOT BE! THAT WAS THE MOST HILARIOUS THING I'VE SEEN ALL DAY!"

He looked confused "What is?"

"Your angry fat ass waddling away. Hil-fucking-arious."

He grew red in anger "You know I once killed guy's parents and had him eat them, just cause he pissed me off!"

I froze, blinked, and gave a genuine impressed smile "Really?"

He faltered at my look "Well… yeah"

I chuckled darkly "Well, in that case, I think I'll have to piss you off worse next time" I sighed, turned back to my manga, and read, Cartman was still staring. Then the bell rang.

"Lame" I sighed and Cartman growled at the same time. We glanced at each other briefly and I gave an uncaring shrug before heading back to class.

*****

Lunch time I sat with Wendy's crew. They were all babbling about my new relationship with Kyle.

"So, do you LOVE him?" Powder asked me with a smile.

I frowned a little "Uh, not exactly… well we only just met, and he asked me out kind of suddenly…"

"He is a fine piece of ass…." Bebe sighed deeply.

I laughed "I'll give you that." I sucked on my bottom lip a little "He's kind of like a girl though"

"Well, you're kind of like a boy" Wendy pointed out and froze "N-no offense. Hey, we should double date sometime!"

I smiled wanly "No offense taken. I've heard it before and I can't help it. It's probably the swearing thing. It's probably a phase... But I'm not a lesbian, so I'm not sure if this relationship's going to work out" I ged "Honestly, Kyle's a nice guy." I fidgeted.

"Well, maybe you'll like him later?" Red suggested.

"Mmm…" I nodded.

So, during class I sent Kyle a note.

_Kyle,_

_ You're mom isn't, you know, the stereotypical bitch mother who's going to hate me just cause I'm not Jewish is she?_

_Evalin_

Kyle stared at the note a long time. Then he put his head down on his desk. Aw shit. Then he raised his head and scribbled on the note under my message. He sent it back.

_Evalin,_

_ No, she isn't going to mind. Have you been listening to that fat assed anti-Semitic? I swear to god he's just an asshole, don't believe ANYTHING he says!_

_Kyle_

_P.S. Even if she DOES mind, I don't, and I know she'll get over it._

I smirked and wrote fast a reply under his post script.

_ Okay sweetheart, just making sure. I don't need to make anyone upset over this._

I waited for a reply, tapping my pen on my desk lightly. Finally it was passed back.

_ Don't worry! There's no way anything could go wrong tonight!_

He was watching me chuckle softly at this and I gave him a reassuring nod and smile, with a small wink attached. He blushed. My eyes flashed to Stan who looked away, though he seemed to be glowering. Oh, this was so much fun…

"Hey bitch! Stop passing notes to your boyfriend for a second and tell me the answer to number twelve!" Cartman hissed. I glanced down at my completed paper and shrugged, handing the whole thing back to him.

"Go wild fat ass, it's not like it counts for anything"

"Wha- like- seriouslah?"

I rolled my eyes "If I wasn't serious I wouldn't have just handed you my work to copy would I?"

He eyed my answers suspiciously "Did you answer wrong on purpose or something?"

I smirked "You're call on that one fat ass" I turned back to my desk as Cartman broke into annoyed mutterings of 'bitch'. I didn't care if Garrison noticed me handing over my work or not, but I know Kenny did anyway. Since the second I got it back from Cartman, Kenny asked for it. I gave it to him without hesitation. Then Craig asked for it and before I knew it my work was being basically copied by everyone in the class, save for goody goods like Butters, Pip, Stan, Wendy, and Kyle. Luckily Mr. Garrison wasn't in the room. So much for him noticing.

Kyle turned around when it landed on his desk "Evalin? You're passing around your work?" he seemed shocked. Why the fuck… did he just ignore all my evil crap I do or something?

I shrugged "Yeah, so? It's just going to get taken up right after anyway and used for studying. Why deal with a page full of cross outs? Though I make no promises about my answers being right. Ah hell, they probably are. Just attribute it to my fine lesson and we're cool"

"But… this is a geography work sheet" Kyle pointed out "Not history"

I smirked "Say I was teaching while he was out rolling joints for the kindergarteners. Who cares? One answer share won't kill anyone" I chuckled "Besides, if you get really good at cheating, you can get anywhere in life, THAT'S the sort of thing they should teach in schools!"

"You know Evalin…" Wendy said slowly "I'm starting to think you might be more Cartman's soul mate then Kyle's"

I raised an eyebrow. Interesting take on the matter, even if I knew that myself having a soul mate was really impossible. "Hmm, well I do have a thing for fat guys. But since Cartman's big boned and NOT fat, I don't know" I stroked my chin in thought and laughed at the looks "Oh come off it, I'm joking. Hell, I have my fine piece of Jew ass, why would I need a fat ass?" Kyle blushed brightly at that and seemed to sink down in his seat.

"AY! I- well, I don't need you either bitch! And you'd better watch out you got that?!" Cartman snapped behind me.

"Mm-hmm" I said skeptically as Mr. Garrison returned, looking flushed. Huh.

*****

At recess, I discovered sitting behind a certain large tree at the edge of the field did appear to hide me from the constant stream of badgering and I whipped out my manga. I was at the climax. I was reading as Hideki had to finally admit his love for Chi, his persacom.

Suddenly, a voice came from beside me "That… is not what I expected"

I jumped, and my head twisted to see Cartman standing next me, reading over my shoulder. Oh God, when did he show up? I slammed the book shut. He raised a questioning eyebrow at me.

"What the fuck are you talking about Cartman?" I growled.

"I didn't except you to be into gay crap like that is all" he said with a twitch at his lips now. I narrowed my eyes.

"Well, with a cover like this, I don't see how you would accept anything less from it. It's quite plainly a girl manga and I AM a girl. Anyway, I just happen to be reading this right now! It's not like I don't read other stuff too!" I snapped, my eyes hard and defensive. I know I shouldn't be so embarrassed but I swear, I HATE people reading over my shoulder.

"Geez ho, who put sand in your vagina?" Cartman rolled his eyes "I just said I didn't expect it"

"What are you doing sneaking up on me anyway?" I wanted to switch the topic off my choice of reading material, though I suppose I didn't have a clear reason as to why I didn't want him knowing exactly what I was reading about in my romance manga.

"Well, this is my spot. My name's on it" he pointed to the tree and ERIC was cut into the bark.

"Phht, then go cry to your whore mom about it"

"AY! Shut UP bitch!" Cartman screamed "I'm trying to talk nicely to you and you keep-"

"Being a bitch? Well maybe that's just how I am" I sighed. My head was buzzing from my reading and I wanted to get back to it. The tension was falling. My eyes fell out of focus and I stared at the fence.

"Yeah well, I like Titanic"

I froze, and stared at him, eyes back in focus "I've never seen it"

Cartman frowned "W-well, don't tell anyone about it. But, you know, if I like crap like that, you can like crap like your faggy manga."

I raised an eyebrow "I don't need your permission to like something fat ass"

He seemed angry. Huh "Well I'm trying to be nice ho!"

"Well I'm not! I don't need to be fucking nice to you or anybody!" I stood angrily and stormed away. Then I stopped, turned, and gave a strange, shaky smile "You know… I think you might've won this round. Good show" I turned and walked away as Cartman gaped after me.

*****

That night, dinner with Kyle's family went well. I could be charming when I wanted, and I turned on full force for Kyle's parents. His mom seemed hesitant at first, but a simple couple of flattering comments and agreeing with her rant on how some television show portrayed a very anti-Semitic character I was so in her inner circle. She was soon asking me my interests and my answers of reading and learning about history seemed satisfactory. I offered to help Kyle with the dishes and I swear she was beaming widely. Mr. Broflovski seemed more happy his wife liked me then happy with me myself, but that wasn't a problem.

"Whoa dude, it's almost creepy how nice you're being" Kyle whispered as he dried the dishes I was washing. I was used to doing dishes, and honestly it wasn't so bad. If you didn't care about prune skin, and I didn't.

I smirked a little "Yep, haven't sworn or anything. I'm going to have to wash my mouth out with wasabi to get this sweet taste out of my mouth" Kyle giggled. I forced myself to concentrate on removing the grease from the pan I was washing, not on how girly he was being. By the gods…

We finished the dishes and I told Kyle I should probably go home. He nodded, seeming slightly disappointed as he escorted me to the door. He offered to walk me home by I hastily shook him of the necessity, promising to stay longer next time.

"Well, alright, but I'm not sure you should walk home alone- mmph!"

That's right. I kissed the little fucker. He was still stammering with a stupid grin on his face as I scrambled away. I groaned deeply as I rounded the corner and shook my head.

"God what a clingy son of a bitch" I giggled to myself. I often spoke to myself when I was alone "Really a bitch. My god." I sighed deeply "Ah well, I'll lead him on a while, humiliate him a bit, and then break it off with him brutally so he'll cry for a week. Oh I hope he commits suicide, that would be SO awesome!" I laughed wickedly. Wildly "And then that ridiculous kid in the blue hat… Stan? Oh how pissed he's going to be at _me_… heh heh heh… ah… well I doubt Kyle will _actually_ commit suicide…" I hmmed to myself.

"So, you're out to humiliate Kyle?" I spun on the spot and stared into the darkness. I made out the bulky shape and raised an eyebrow.

"Fat ass? Yes, as a matter of fact… will you tell him?" I asked.

He laughed "Helluh no! I think that's awesome, I hate that Jew son of a bitch!"

I smirked "Excellent" I turned and started walking again but found Cartman had caught up and was now walking in step beside me "What's up?" I asked casually.

"Well, can I help?"

"Help with what?"

"Humiliating Kyle duh!" Cartman sounded annoyed.

I thought for a moment "Um… maybe. I don't know, if I think of something you can do I'll let you know"

"Well I thought, you know, when you break up with him, you know what would really piss him off and make him upset?" Cartman asked excitedly "If you went out with me! He hates me too so-"

I stopped in my tracks "Are you asking me out?"

Cartman froze as well "Uh… well, I mean, totally to humiliate Kyle of course!"

I cocked my head slightly to one side "Of course… and of course you thought nothing of Wendy's comment today either?"

Cartman frowned, clearly annoyed "Wendy's a hippie bitch, what the hell does she know?!"

I was taken slightly aback by the furiousness of his retort "Uh, well yes, calling us soul mates is going a bit far. After all… I'm about three times more evil then you are"

Cartman's mouth dropped open and he sputtered a bit before choking out "You are NOT!"

I raised my eyebrows and a smile played on my lips "Oh?"

"Have YOU ever made a kid eat his own parents?" Cartman asked with a smirk.

"No but… I've drowned my cousin in a hot tub" I said quietly. Cartman stared.

"W-what'd he do to you that'd make you do that?!" Cartman gasped.

"Nothing" I smirked "Absolutely nothing. I just looked at him and wondered if I could get away with murdering him. And I did"

Cartman stared at me, and I stared back.

"Okay… then perhaps… perhaps we're… _equal_ in evilness." Cartman said with a thoughtful expression, stoking his chin.

"Perhaps" I giggled, knowing him a total amateur. "Well, I have to be getting home… I'll see you in school tomorrow… _fat ass_…" I walked past him.

"AY! YOU BITCH!" Cartman snapped angrily. I laughed and turned back to him.

"I don't mind being a bitch you know, you might want to consider finding something more irritating" I smirked at his angry expression and then turned and left once again, this time succeeding to shake the fat boy, and wondering if this alliance might come to something interesting… I wasn't sure how long I'd be staying in South Park so setting up a little something for after Kyle might be a good idea.


	4. How I Hate My Hippie Parents

**What Happens When the OC is Technically Evil: A Mary-Sue Gone Weird and Scary Fanfiction**

**Part The Fourth**

_((Joyful Note: I probably shouldn't post 2 parts in one day due to the fact I haven't really written that many, but I'm in the mood so…))_

At school the next morning Kyle ran up to me right away and asked if I wanted to hang out after school again today. My God was he clingy... urg. Was it really worth it? At my hesitation his eyes got big and worried, his whole look was so scared... I felt tingly inside. This would be so worth it, I could tell.

"I don't know, I mean, I hung out two days in a row and my parents-"

"Oh, oh I get it!" Kyle said suddenly, looking sooo freaked "I know, I-I shouldn't ask every day, I mean, th-that's like... right. I totally get it, no problem" Kyle laughed and then walked away, red faced in embarrassment. I gave a small smirk, holding in my excitement at causing him such discomfort. Oh he was fun…

"Hmm, I seh..." I jumped a little and turned to see Cartman standing next to me, stroking his chin.

"OKAY FAT ASS! How the FUCK do you keep sneaking up on me like that?!" I shouted.

Cartman's lips twitched, apparently pleased to get a rise out of me "That's for me to know and you to NOT find out. Anyway, I was simply expressing interest in your plans to humiliate the Jew"

I rolled my eyes "Well alright. Do you want to me to divulge my grand scheme to you fat boy?"

He twitched, but didn't retort as I expected "Yes ma'am" hmm... I kind of liked being addressed like that.

I smirked "In that case... how about I go to your house tonight? I could tell you then"

Cartman blinked "You want to come to my house?"

"Yeah..."

"Not your house?"

I narrowed my eyes "Fuck no"

He seemed surprised at my blunt response but before he could question it the bell rang and I went inside.

*****

Class passed normally, me buried in a new manga series, a slightly less girly one this time. Slightly, it was Yurara. Obviously you haven't heard of it, it's a 5 volume series involving a girl who sees ghosts and has an alter ego and these two guys fight over her... they also see ghosts... well anyway, I was on volume 2. Mr. Garrison was yammering on about some sort of scandal involving Jim Carrey, Oprah, a bucket of ketchup and a bagel factory.

First recess I actually sat in on a girl meeting for the first time. They were making a list of the best romance movies ever. To do that, everyone had to write their top ten favorite romance movies and then all the ones that had been mentioned at least twice would be considered for the list. I know, you want to know my list, don't you? Well you know what? Fuck you. I'm not going to tell you what god for fucking movies I picked for this. Suffice to say, 3 of them made the final top ten list, which I'll also not be telling you. Duh.

Back in class I managed to finish my manga and was left to actually listen to the teacher. My God. To make matters worse, Kyle decided to write me a love poem, which he tried to pass to me, got caught, and ended up reading in front of the class, and I personally did not find it very well done. I was left only to be thankful that it was a Haiku so I only had to be mortified for seventeen syllables.

_"Evalin is cool/ She is beautiful and smart/ Be my girlfriend please?"_

I stared at him as the class sat in anticipation. I twitched.

"Uh- I... um..." I shifted "I... I thought we already were? Well I guess we didn't say it... alright" I shrugged "Okay."

Kyle looked absolutely thrilled spouted another Haiku "_I am so happy/ You will never regret this/ I love you so much!"_

"Oh, uh, me... too?" I felt my face go red. I hadn't expected this, I REALLY hadn't pinned Kyle for a public love confession. A quick glance at Stan saw him with his head down on his desk, in a symbol of utter defeat. I liked seeing him so helpless at least... I then heard Cartman roaring with laughter behind me and whirled in my seat, glaring him down.

"URG! SHUT UP FAT ASS!!!!" I screeched. The room was completely silent. Cartman blinked at my red face and angry eyes.

"God Evalin, did Kyle shove some of his sand up your vagina too?" Cartman asked 'innocently'. I gaped a little. Normally, I would not resort to a violent act. I prefer, on a regular basis, words and manipulation to a physical act. In this case, I might even have been a bit impressed. However, I was already embarrassed about those damn Haikus and Cartman had to piss me off directly afterwards. So I lunged back and clocked him one in the face. He started crying and shit, I had to go to office and apologize, blah blah blah...

As we walked back to class, Cartman was holding a tissue to his nose and kept glaring at me. I groaned.

"For god's sake, what?!" I snapped.

"You didn't mean that apology at all!" he snapped back.

I rolled my eyes "Duh, and neither did you. People like us don't apologize when we cause any pain to others. I don't expect you to feel bad about what you've done and you shouldn't expect it of me"

Cartman blinked "People like... us?"

I gave a small smirk "Yes, I think I might consider you cut of the same sociopathic cloth as I... which means I assume you can understand that if you try to push me again, you're gambling with your life. You're a boy sociopath of course... so perhaps you wouldn't understand. Males of our kind usually reach for major violence after slowly working their way to it. Females like myself are random. I may be totally calm about an insult one moment, and the next I might end up drowning you in a hot tub. So... something to think on" I raised my eyebrows at his slightly freaked expression and walked into the classroom once again.

*****

At lunch I walked through the lunch line alone again, and reached for my tray in front of Chef again.

"Hello children!" he smiled. I blinked and looked around.

"Um, I'm the only one here..." I raised an eyebrow.

Chef looked confused "Uh... I know?" he shook his head "Anyway, I heard what little Kyle read for you in class today. Pretty romantic"

I snorted "Yeah, for a preschooler maybe, that Jew hasn't a clue how to write poetry"

Chef looked a little concerned "But, I heard you clocked Cartman when he laughed at it, so you appreciate the effort, right?"

I frowned "Wow, word travels fast around here doesn't it? Eh, I know he was trying, but I didn't clock the fat ass for him. I clocked him because when you're involved with someone, if a person laughed at them, they laugh at you. I do not like people laughing at me unless I approve of the reason" with that I took my tray and hastened off, wondering vaguely what sort of impression I was leaving on the black man.

I sat with the girls again and all they talked about was how 'romantic' Kyle had been in class. By God, how they could possibly... well, I supposed if everyone other then Cartman thought it was romantic then maybe I didn't need to be so embarrassed. But I had to avoid him trying something else, it was really, really sickening. Last recess I managed to sneak off school property and was able to rest in complete solitude for fifteen minutes. Thank fucking Jesus. Christ. In fact, I loved it so much I just skipped the rest of the day. I figured I could forge a note and say I had to go home for... some reason. I'd think about it later. Anyway, I waited outside the school when it let out.

I saw Kyle walking out of school looking worried, no doubt about me. I smirked as I saw Kenny try to comfort Kyle and ended up getting yelled at. Then he got run over by a car, and I laughed hysterically. Oh that was good. Oh, oh yes. I wondered if he'd died. That would've been epic. Wish I had a video camera...

Anyway, I saw Stan come over to Kyle as they passed my hiding spot in the bushes.

"Kyle, hey Kyle!"

"What?" Kyle glared at Stan "If this is another anti-Evalin rant-"

Stan's face turned red with rage "NO IT'S NOT! I still think she's bad news, but-"

"No one else does Stan!" Kyle snapped "Even Cartman admitted she was cool, even if she still pissed him off!" He said that huh? Interesting...

Stan's teeth ground together "And you don't take this as a bad sign? Cartman only finds really vulgar and evil things cool!"

Kyle rolled his eyes "Well yeah she swears a lot, that's probably why. But she's not evil Stan, she's really smart!"

"And smart people can't be evil?! What about Bill Gates? Did you forget about him, or even Hitler was smart!"

"No, he was charismatic, there's a difference!" Kyle snapped, getting heated. I stifled a snort of laughter. Oh he looked so funny when he was pissed off... and Stan looked like he might burst into tears. OH God, please let him burst into tears, that would be...

"Well still!" Stan's voice cracked and Kyle's eyes lost a little of their anger "Even if she's not evil, sh-she's still... she's all you think or talk about anymore!"

"Well did I complain when you started dating Wendy? No!" Kyle paused a minute, then sighed "Look... if this is about me not spending time with you then... maybe we could, you know, double date? Then we'd all hang out together, Wendy's friends with Evalin isn't she?"

Stan looked at his friend a long moment, then seemed to relent. No tears. Damn "I- well... I guess that'd be okay. Yeah, sure, I'll ask Wendy"

"Yeah, I'll ask Evalin when I call her tonight, I wonder why she left?" Kyle said as the two walked away. I looked around and saw Cartman nowhere. I frowned and went back to the school, glancing in each window, and found him sitting in detention looking pissed. I tapped on the glass and he glanced over, looking surprised to see me. I saw the teacher get up to leave the room, some random lady. No idea her name and I didn't care. Cartman immediately went to the window and pulled it open.

"What the fuck are you doing here bitch? I thought you'd skipped out to _avoid_ detention" he asked, as if bitch were my name. I swear, no malice or anything, it was like a new nickname. Actually, I kind of liked it; I smiled a bit at it anyway.

"I wanted to know when I should come to your house tonight duh" I rolled my eyes.

Cartman looked even more surprised, if that were possible "What, y-you like, still want to?"

I raised an eyebrow "Uh, yeah?" I paused a moment "What, you like, grew enough balls to say no?"

Cartman scowled "AY! What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Nothing" I shook my head "Give me a time fat ass or I'll just come over when I feel like it and if that's at five pm or two am is my call"

Cartman cocked his head to one side in confusion "Why would you come over at two am?"

I sighed "A time fat ass, teacher can't stay away forever"

He looked annoyed at the fat ass comment but decided to let it pass "Well, this is kinda lame so, I could just jump out the window and you can come over now?"

I sucked in my cheek a little in thought "No... That's no good. I have to swing by my house quick to call Kyle and tell him I'm not dead so he won't come looking for me." I raised an eyebrow "But if you want I could come over after that."

Cartman shrugged "That's kewl I guess, but I'm still getting out of here. This is totally lame" he jumped out the window into the snow. All this damn snow... fuck. I fucking hated it. I thought if I left Canada I wouldn't have to deal with all this bullcrap snow but no, my goddamn parents had to move to a place where there was snow ALL YEAR instead of six months...

"Okay, so I'll see you in a bit then" I shrugged and headed behind the school, intending to cut through the field behind and take a trail that would bring me to my backyard. I wasn't that far away, but the trees blocked my house from view. Thank God.

"Ye- hey! You don't know where my house is!" Cartman yelled suddenly. I stopped. Slapped my forehead, and groaned. Oh. Yeah. Fuck.

"Okay, where's your house then?" I said trying to keep my voice level. Cartman wrote out his address and I took it, stomping off annoyed. I slipped on a patch of ice, went down, and got up immediately after. I heard laughter and turned, glaring "What the FUCK is so funny?!"

Cartman snorted and laughed, unable to reply. I hated being laughed at. I did. But... at the same time I knew why he was laughing. He wasn't laughing at _me_, he was laughing at my pain. This was understandable. Pain is hilarious. I rolled my eyes and walked away again, careful to avoid the icy patch.

*****

"... Evalin?" Cartman asked when I showed up at his door.

"Yeah?"

"How long do you plan on staying at my house?"

I glanced down at my bag. And sleeping bag. I looked back up, frowning slightly "Um..." I shifted slightly "The whole night?"

He stared "Okay... may I ask why?"

I glared "No."

"I seh" Cartman blinked and I pushed past him into the house. Yeah I could tell you why I was staying the night. But I'm not going to, because you don't fucking need to know. All you DO need to know is that it wasn't cause I liked him or anything, I just knew I'd probably be able to stay the night. I knew his mom was a crack whore (via Kyle of course), so she wouldn't care about her son having a girl over, and I'd be able to swear as much as I wanted without offending anyone.

Anyway, I dumped my bag at the foot of his stairs and turned to chubbo "Okay, is your mom home?"

"Uh, well, she said she'd be back late tonight." Cartman shrugged.

I grinned "Excellent. Then I don't have to charm anyone. Even when it's a crack whore, it's still a pain" I rolled my eyes.

"AY! Don't talk about my mom like that!" Cartman growled and I sighed.

"Why the fuck not? She's a crack whore isn't she? Whatever. So where's your room?" I asked, heading up the stairs as Cartman sputtered below. I started opening doors till I saw a room with stuffed animals and toys in it. Typical of a nine year old boy... except the dolls. Hmm... seems like a typical sociopath thing though. That was fine. I dropped my stuff on the floor and turned to see Cartman glaring from his doorway.

"What the fuck are you- you can't just waltz in here like you own the place bitch!" Cartman snapped. I sighed.

"Obviously I can since I just did." he frowned "Okay... okay" I sighed deeply, trying to be calm and find the best approach "Look... I'm not very good at asking for stuff alright? So I don't like leaving an option for someone to say no"

Cartman seemed caught off guard my directness "Well... I- I guess that's kewl..." he seemed unsure but decided to fix that by bringing up the original reason for me coming over that night "So, what's your grand scheme to humiliate the Jew?"

I smirked and sat down on his bed "Ah yes... that..." I giggled a little "Well, it's not too complicated but the reactions are going to be priceless, always are" I giggled again "Okay. Well, obviously I've led him on a short while. Tomorrow I'm going to go on a double date with Stan and Wendy. During which, I intend to win over Wendy completely. That way, if Stan thinks of trying to stop Kyle again Wendy could easily argue against it and halt that. Once she's secure, I'm going to work hard on making Kyle completely addicted to me, and gradually break him away from all his friends. I'm going to drop a few clues to his family that I might not be that good for their son, and by that point I intend to have Kyle to a point he'll leave home for me. By the time we reach this point, he'll obviously come to me first. Then I'll tell him I was never that into him to begin with. Crushed, and I can't wait for that part as I intend to film it, he'll no doubt go to Stan's. Only by this point I will have arranged for an... an accident to befall Stanley Marsh." I giggled softer this time "Nothing fatal but... it will be blamed on Kyle. So when Kyle goes to ask for help, he'll be turned down. Details of the plan may alter as time passes naturally but… Then it will be up to Kyle, I'm hoping for suicide myself... I did get that once before and it was... amazing..." I swear I must've been dewy eyed as I recalled that memory.

Cartman blinked "Um... okay..." he cocked his head to one side again "But... how do you know you can get Kyle, you know, addicted to you?"

I laughed easily "I've done this since kindergarten when I turned down this one little boy and made him cry. When I found out how much fun that was, I started purposefully attracting boys to me on purpose so that I could make the cry" I raised an eyebrow and smirked "But of course you're too smart to fall for me… especially after all I just told you. I would of course have no problem faking a relationship with you and dumping you royally, but honestly, I think you might be interesting as an ally. Just don't expect anything more than acquaintanceship and mild co-operation from me. I suppose…" I took a short breath "I suppose the best you could get out of this partnership is the satisfaction of causing some pain… is that enough for you, do you think? To hurt a Jew and his best friend? Perhaps others?"

Cartman stared at me. He stared for a long time, but I held his gaze. He finally gulped "Y-you're absolutely seriouslah… aren't you?"

I smiled slowly "Yes, perfectly. Actually, I was hoping you could work on widening the rift between Stan and Kyle… and even assisting in Stanley's little 'accident'. If you don't mind" my eyes darkened suddenly and Cartman looked a little freaked "But if you _do_ mind, I'd better not hear that Kyle discovered my plans. Or anyone for that matter. Because I will blame you. And you _know _what I'm capable of."

Cartman stared again, then to my delight a smile spread across his features "I never thought I'd ever say this to a girl, but you are so my fucking idol now"

I fell into gut wrenching laughter and my eyes teared up "Oh God… dude, you can't be serious."

Cartman shook his head "No, no!" his voice was a slightly higher pitch then before and I cocked my head slightly "I'm seriouslah, you are totally my idol. You're manipulative, you like to cause pain and suffering, and you're… well, you're kick ass!" he laughed.

I smiled wryly "Kick ass huh? Well maybe"

Cartman noticed my melancholy edge it seemed. He shut up at least. After a moment he finally asked "Seriouslah, if I'm going to help you, can I at least know why the fuck you're staying the night?"

I frowned. My eyes darkened, and I sighed deeply "Honestly? It's because… my parents are… having a party. One I- uh, would rather not be present for" I made a slight face.

Cartman stared, and then his eyes widened "M-my mom said she was going to a party tonight"

I blinked, groaned and slapped my forehead "Oh for the love of GOD! Okay, I'll level with you on this one Cartman; my parents are total drugged up pot smoking hippies!" Cartman gasped.

"No…"

"Yes! And they do this all the fucking time, invite a bunch of whores of both sexes and some more hippies, do all sort of crap drugs, and have orgies all night. Think that's fun? I think not" I rolled my eyes "Luckily I'm done with those assholes"

"… done?" Cartman looked at me uncertainly.

I smirked "Yes, I've decided tonight that after I've finished with Kyle, I'm taking care of those idiots… permanently, if you catch my drift."

His eyes widened once again "You're plotting to murder your parents?!" he yelped.

My eyes narrowed "They aren't my parents. They stopped being my parents the moment they stopped getting haircuts. I fucking hate hippies."

Cartman's eyes now seemed to dance, he turned to face me completely "Evalin I- I hate hippies too!" his lips were turned upwards and my eyes seemed to dance as well.

"Then perhaps… perhaps I might have use for your assistance after the Jew is dealt with after all…" I laughed softly. The sighed "Well, enough of this for now" I rose and looked briskly around the fat boy's room "What movies do you have? Never mind, I brought Sweeney Todd. Love that movie" I smiled as I fished it from my bulging bag. Cartman frowned.

"Uh, that's rated R right?"

"Yep. Blood. Gore. Swearing. Cannibalism. And a musical to boot. What could be better?"

Cartman shook his head "Figures you'd be into something twisted like that bitch"

"Of course. Part of being a sociopath is you get sick fantasies coupled with a love of music and romance. Lucky us eh?" I headed for the bedroom door, then to the living room television. I quickly popped the movie in as Cartman followed me "Um, have you seen this movie?" I asked as Cartman frowned during the opening sequence of blood dripping over gears.

"Uh, no" Cartman said, sitting down awkwardly.

I glanced at his gut "You don't like meat pies do you?"

"Course, I like meat pies!" Cartman said as if it were obvious.

"Uh-huh" I said slowly.

"…why?" Cartman asked after a brief pause.

"Oh, no reason" I said with a shrug, but figured watching Cartman go through the movie might be more fun than watching the movie itself.

The first proper song started up. Cartman was fine as Anthony sang… then Johnny Depp showed up.

"Aw, aw, not this guy!" Cartman groaned "Tell me you're not a fan girl?"

I gaped "Why the fuck not?!" I demanded "Depp's a great actor! He did Edward Scissor hands! In here he's awesome, as Jack Sparrow he was kind of iffy and as Willie Wonka he was clearly not heterosexual, but in dark stuff like this he's a freaking god!"

Cartman slapped his forehead "I fucking hate fan girls"

"Well we don't like you either lard butt" I muttered, and felt waves of excitement as Mr. Todd started up.

_"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit/ And it's filled with people who are filled with shit/ and the vermin of the world inhabit it…"_

"You know that's so true" I sighed contentedly.

Cartman seemed to be staring at me with a raised eyebrow "You really do hate everybody… don't you?"

I shook my head "I don't hate Johnny Depp"

"I bet you would if you met him"

I thought about it for a moment "Yes… yes probably. But as long as he stays a fictional character I don't hate him."

"Why do you hate everyone Evalin?" Cartman asked curiously. He was using his 'manipulation' voice though. Oh well, I didn't mind fielding the question anyway.

"Because I'm a sociopath" I smirked "And I'm a sociopath because first of all my parents are hippies"

"… understandable…"

"Definitely. Besides the pot smoke I had to endure in the womb that definitely messed with my brain, growing up in that house would grow in me contempt for human kind. Throw in being raised in Canada, country of the floppy headed idiots and dealing with a bunch of whiney bastards… well. Not the best of circumstances. Then, I was often mocked as a child for not having a floppy head as those idiots do. So I spent much time alone, reading books and the like. Time passed, and picture books wouldn't do it for me. Instead I would start reading teen stuff… and that of course warped my mind more than anything else. I turned to teen movies and such… my parents didn't care. Even said it was 'educational' and would help me 'expand my mind'. Well I've expanded alright. Expanded to the point of absolute hatred for mankind... and reality too I suspect"

"Son of a bitch" Cartman said in a mix of awe and… maybe disbelief? Aw well.

"So what about you?" I asked after a moment. I'd seen this movie so many times I thought nothing of talking over the actors "Don't you hate Jews or something?"

Cartman shrugged "Yeah, but that started mostly cause I hate Kahl. He's a dick. I do hate hippies too though. I've thought about it for a bit and I must say I'm looking very forward to helping you kill your parents."

I raised an eyebrow "Um, thank you?"

"You're welcome. But first… are sure that _you_ are not a hippie yourself?"

My mouth dropped open "Me? You're accusing ME of being a hippie?! ARG!" I turned and smacked Cartman in the jaw.

"AH! SON OF A _BITCH!"_ Cartman gasped, clutching his face.

"NEVER CALL ME THAT!!!! NEVER ACCUSE ME OF THAT!!!! I AM NOT A GODDAMN HIPPIE!" I screeched. Cartman stared as I towered over him, Sweeney Todd murdering Pirelli in the background.

"Okay okay!" Cartman whimpered "You're not a hippie!"

"Damn straight I'm not" I muttered, sinking back into my seat and crossing my arms over my chest. We watched until Mr. Todd began his 'They All Deserve To Die' number.

"God I love this song" I sighed.

"Figures" Cartman rolled his eyes, seeming to get over his smacked jaw easily enough since he knew he was getting zero sympathy for it "So, uh, do you want some Cheesy Poofs or something?"

I shrugged "Yeah, sure"

When Cartman returned we shared a bag of Cheesy Poofs. This felt really… normal. Kind of weird for me. Usually when I would share food with a guy I would be strategically finding ways to brush my hand against his and dropping hints. Right now it almost felt like a normal night with a… a… a friend? No, no that couldn't be. I don't have those. Especially not friends that are boys.

"Are you sure? About hating everyone I mean" Cartman said suddenly and I looked at him curiously.

"Yes"

"Even me?"

I rolled my eyes "Yes"

"I seh. And, uh, there's no chance of reversing that?"

"No"

"Okay… but we're still working together?"

"Yes…"

"Okay" he said that with such contentedness that I had to question it.

"Okay? Just like that?"

Cartman nodded "Well yeah. I mean, it's not like hating me is personal or anything. You hate everyone, and even though you hate me you're still going to hang out with me. It's not like the Jew who's always trying to ditch me or make fun of me or something"

I frowned "Really? Geez, what a prick. Maybe I should rethink my strategy a little… the Jew might surprise me."

"I doubt he could too much" Cartman shrugged.

"Maybe..." I considered that a moment, then brushed it aside "Well in any case, yes I do hate you, and yes I hate everyone. If you're okay with it then there's no problem"

We watched the movie a while longer and when the barber shop of death montage ended Cartman spoke again "Seeing as I'm okay with it... there's no way you'll ever pretend to be nice to me?"

I looked at him curiously "You... want me to pretend to be nice to you?"

Cartman shifted a little "Well, just so I know if you can actually fake niceness of course"

I chuckled a darkly "Of course... well is there a particular kind of niceness you'd like to see?"

Cartman stroked his chin thoughtfully. Most people would ask what I meant by what kind of niceness but Cartman was of course not most people "How about... best friend niceness?" he smirked, obviously thinking he'd have me totally floored on that one. Fat chance fat ass.

"Okay" I smirked, closed my eyes and breathed out slowly. I opened my eyes and smiled winningly at Cartman. His eyes widened a bit, and that was normal. I'd completely relaxed my muscles and was looking at him with a slight sheen of appreciation in my smile.

"So Cartman, how're you liking the movie so far?"

Cartman stared for a long moment, jaw slack and then shook his head vigorously and started in a 'sweet' voice I would guess "Why, I do believe it's the best movie I've seen in a long while, thank you for bringing it over Evalin"

"No problem" I giggled here "Still like meat pies?"

Cartman snorted "No, now I _love_ meat pies" we both broke into hysterical laughter and then Cartman sighed "Okay, fine, you can stop being nice now." Immediately the grin fell from my lips and my eyes turned back to mild amusement as my lips held at a small curious smile.

"So was I convincing?" I asked softly.

Cartman breathed out slowly "Hells yeah bitch. God, if I didn't know any better I'd say you were actually having fun, you know, bonding or something"

"Mmm..." I hummed to myself "Yes. Well, it just comes easily, manipulation by acting. I expect you manipulate a bit differently?"

Cartman snorted again "Yeah. I can't seem to do the best friend thing, but I can play 'poor little boy' like you wouldn't believe and my 'epiphanies' have swayed crowds."

I smirked "I'd actually like to hear about that... but at some other time. When the movie's over I'm going to sleep"

"Oh, uh, sure" Cartman shifted slightly. As the movie went on, I did notice him getting a little... queasy as the people ate the meat pies. None the less, he did seem to enjoy it. As the closing credits ran Cartman laughed.

I raised an eyebrow "Okay I know it's an awesome movie, but what's so funny?"

The fat boy snorted "Best ending ever, Johnny Depp getting fucking killed"

I scowled "Hey!" this provoked a butt load of laughter from fatass. I growled, socked him in the ribs, and went to get my DVD out of the player. He started crying about it so I sent him a look of disgust before sweeping upstairs again. He sniffled a little, and then followed. Clearly he hadn't gotten the attention he wanted. Heh heh heh...

In his room, and rolled out my sleeping bag and glanced at Cartman's alarm clock. It was about midnight. Great. I couldn't even skip school tomorrow because I was here. Why the fuck did I do these things to myself? Now I'd be tired out of my mind. Oh well, maybe I'd just sleep in class. Anyway, Cartman came in as I was fishing my pajamas out of my bag.

"You have… footie pajamas?" Cartman said blinking "_Pink_ footie pajamas?"

I glared at him "My parents bought them for me, and in a town as fucking cold as this I think 'footie pajamas' are startlingly appropriate. So shut the fuck up and tell me where your bathroom is" I snapped.

"Down the hall bitch, don't forget to change your tampon, I think it's been sitting in the sand too long"

I looked at him for a moment and then smirked "Good one." I said in an impressed tone and passed the fat boy, heading for the bathroom. When I finished brushing my teeth I went back to Cartman's room and found him sitting on his bed eating cheesy poofs in teddy bear pajamas, a stuffed frog tucked under his arm. Huh. The fat lump was almost cute like that somehow. Almost.

"What're you looking at ho?" Cartman glared.

"Nothing important" I shrugged and crawled into my sleeping bag, and easily falling asleep.


	5. Home Sweet Home does not apply

**What Happens When the OC is Technically Evil: A Mary-Sue Gone Weird and Scary Fanfiction**

**Part The Fifth**

The next day I woke up a few minutes before Cartman and decided to dip his fingers in warm water. He wet the bed. I quickly disposed of the water and so, when Cartman awoke to his alarm soon after, he freaked out and tried to hide it from me. I didn't bother calling him on it, instead content to watch him try to discreetly get me out of his room before he got out of bed and showed off his wet pajama bottoms. I found that hilarious. He yelled at me to shut up and get the hell out of his house. I shrugged and prepared to comply, but his mom caught me on the way out of the house. Apparently she had shown up in the night.

"Oh, hello dear, were you sleeping over last night?" she asked good-naturedly. Huh. I decided to turn up the charm a little on her, and gave her a smile.

"Yes, I'm Evalin. Unfortunately, I was unable to stay at my house last night" I said, uncomfortably conscious that my smile wasn't quite meeting my eyes. Luckily, she didn't seem to notice.

"Well that's nice, I'll make pancakes for breakfast then I suppose?" she asked and I gave a tiny frown.

"Uh, yeah, sure" I shrugged offhandedly. She set about the kitchen in a very matronly way. Interesting. My own mother usually contented herself with my breakfast (if she thought of it at all) by giving me a spoonful of some tasteless oatmeal that I would hide in my shoe for later disposal and would steal some cash out of her hippie bag to buy yogurt on the way to school. This was an interesting change.

"So what's your name hon?" she asked after a moment.

"Oh, um, Evalin" I said with a small frown. I had just told her that… still she seemed very warm towards me, considering I had stayed the night with her son without permission. Then again, she was a whore herself, so perhaps she saw nothing strange about it. Not that I was a whore, but I'm just thinking from the point of view of a random girl sleeping with her son. At age nine. Um… perhaps I was over thinking this one.

"Well Evalin, why were you spending the night with Eric?"

… She just had to ask "Uh, my parents were having a party I would rather not have been present for" I replied. She froze in her pancake making.

"Oh… is your last name Smyth by any chance?"

"Unfortunately" I sighed.

"Well, if your parents throw any more parties, feel free to stay again! My little poopsikins just loves having friends over!" she laughed breezily and went back to pancake making. Great. That sounded like the 'maybe if I'm nice to her God will forgive me for having a 3-way with her parents' laugh. Or 4-way. Or more. I had no idea. Nor did I really have a desire to know. Ever. Then Cartman entered the kitchen and sat at the table, glaring at me. I couldn't resist hopping into the chair across from him and staring calmly back, with a small smirk of course.

"I saw the bowl among my stuffed animals with drips of warm water in it" he said bluntly after a moment. My smirk widened.

"Oh?"

His glare darkened "What the FUCK bitch?! I let you stay overnight and you made me wet the bed!"

"Oh, did my poopsikins wet the bed again last night? Well if you want, we can go back to the pull-ups sleepers for another month and maybe-"

"MOM!"

Needless to say I burst into insane laughter at that one, and Cartman got pissed. Classic. The pancakes were good too, and soon the two of us were walking to the bus stop. We were nearly there when I froze.

"Wait a second… we can't show up together! Kyle would suspect something. You go as per usual, I'll double back and go the long way around to the bus stop and I'll say I came by to talk to him early about the date tonight but he'd already left for school. Okay, break!" I said speedily in one breath and took off as Cartman stared after me as I took off into the trees.

I met up with the boys easily. But Cartman was still giving me a weird look. The others didn't notice though. Stan was glaring at me, itching to ask what the hell I was doing there. Kenny greeted me warmly enough, and of course Kyle seemed delighted.

"Hey Evalin! What're you doing here?" the Jewish boy asked in excitement.

"Oh, I got up early and went for a walk before school. I was going to your house but then I realized you'd be at the bus top by now so I came here" I explained smoothly. Kyle bought it completely, and I believe Kenny and Stan did as well, what reason did they have to doubt me? They had no idea I was speaking rationally to Cartman, let alone on terms good enough to sleep over at his house. The bus pulled up and we climbed on. I consented to sit next to Kyle. Stan and Kenny sat in front of us, while Cartman sat behind us, next to Butters if you can believe that. Kyle actually grabbed my hand, seeming very happy with himself. I fought to stop myself from advising him to calm down before he wet himself. That would be awesome if it happened. I'd have embarrassed two boys with urine soaked pants in one day. I could make a record of it and try to beat it later.

"So Evalin, I was thinking maybe on the weekend you could come with my family to Denver, there's a new ancient Egypt exhibit at the museum there" Kyle said after a moment of silence. Huh. That was… thoughtful.

"Uh, sure" I shrugged. Why not right? Besides, this gave me a chance to drop a few clues to his family that I might not be right for their little boobelah while getting Kyle more attached to me.

When we got to school and entered the classroom I immediately pulled out Yurara volume 3. Volume 2 was long done, and with only 5 books in the series I expected to be done by the end of the week. In fact, this was made easier because Mr. Garrison had at last learned that the best way to teach a class with me in it was to just let me read whatever I'm reading and leave me the hell alone.

At recess though, the same problems as usual ensued. No one was going to leave me alone. Aside from Stan trying to get me alone to yell at me, Kyle trying to kiss me and Cartman shooting me frequent knowing looks for some reason, I also had to deal with the girls trying to get me to go to another meeting, that transexual Frenchie trying to talk to me and in general I was not going to get any reading done during that period.

So by the next break at lunch, I was getting the hell AWAY. I snuck carefully form the girls table to the bathrooms and from there ran outside early, manga clutched in hand. Now I had roughly five minutes to find a place no one would find me all recess. That was a problem. Most of the place was pretty wide open. A breeze ruffled my hair and I did up my black jacket. Yeah, that was a badass jacket all right. I smirked at that thought and looked back at the school. I figured that I might be a bit obscured more around the side. When I got there though, I saw a group of kids I hadn't seen around before I could only describe them as Goths, and they probably were. A couple of guys, a girl in a black dress and a kindergartener. I think it was a boy too actually. They were all smoking. I had nasty visions of pot smoke, though I doubted those were magic dragon joints.

But… they had taken a very good hiding place. There was room for 5. I approached, did not acknowledge them, and leaned against the bricks on their left, pretty much behind them from the view of the play field. As I opened my manga I could feel their eyes boring into me. Luckily I was used to this and had no intention of returning their gaze without good provocation.

The glares lasted a good minute and a half before one of them finally spoke.

"What the hell are you doing?" I had no idea which of the old boys said that, and didn't care. They hadn't really addressed me, and for all I knew they might NOT have been talking to me, so I didn't answer and simply flipped a page.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!" the voice snapped again.

"What's your problem? This is our space!" that sounded like the girl.

I sighed and glanced up at them. Yep. They were talking to me.

"I'm hiding from massive amounts of idiocy. Just leave me alone, I'll leave you alone, and I'll leave when I finish my manga." I then looked back at my book. There was some silence for a while. I supposed maybe they'd decided to tolerate me. That worked well.

When I did finish my manga, and after reading it during class that only took me around 20 minutes, I went back onto the field. And of course, I was immediately assaulted by Kyle.

"Evalin!" he grinned, kissed me, and drew back. My stomach clenched but I forced a smile.

"Hey Kyle"

"Where were you?"

I frowned a little "Um… I felt a little sick"

Kyle frowned "But the girls said you weren't in the bathroom, were you in the Nurse's office then?"

"Ah, no. I went home to get some Tylenol." I lied easily.

"Oh, that makes sense" Kyle nodded "Well I was just worried, I'm going to go play football with the guys, later!" he ran off. He played football? Really? Well whatever. I kept walking. Then I was pulled behind a bush.

"AH!" I turned to my new assailant. Stan. Spectacular.

"Bitch! I saw you over with the Goth kids, why'd you just lie to Kyle?!" he demanded.

I raised an eyebrow and replied unmoved "If you saw me over there, why didn't you tell Kyle where I was?"

Stan didn't answer. He appeared to be chewing his tongue before stalking off. Weird asshole.

Then I found Wendy. She was excitedly going on about our double date. Right. Forgot. Damn.

"I thought we could go to a really nice restaurant and then to the movies and _then_-" I tuned her out, and somehow shook her off without offending her. Finally, I thought I was in the clear. Then I realized I was finished the manga. I had nothing to do now. Why was I shaking everyone off…?

Luckily I didn't really have to deal with that because I saw Cartman waving me down from behind 'his' tree. I sighed and headed over.

"Yeah fatass?" I asked once I disappeared behind the tree with the fat boy.

"Bitch" Cartman replied automatically without much thought. Hmm, was that getting so normal already? Anyway, he went on "So why were you over with the Goth kids?"

"Finishing my manga in relative peace" I held up the book.

"Oh. And why the hell did Stan pull you behind a bush? Does he like you too or something?"

I snorted "If anything, I think he has a boner for Kyle. He's super pissed at me"

Cartman sighed "I fucking knew those guys were gay for each other. Well, Stan's gay for Kyle anyway I guess. Assholes" he shook his head "So when's this double date?"

"Uh, I think after school" I shrugged "Does it matter to you?"

Cartman looked horrified for some reason "NO! Why should it?"

"Uh… it shouldn't?" I raised an eyebrow "Don't wet yourself man" I grinned "You already did that once today" I hastened away from his fresh explosion of rage.

*****

Oh. My. God. Note to self: double date is officially code for extreme torture. Especially with Kyle, Stan and Wendy.

First we went to Burger King. This was a nice restaurant? Well I suppose on a nine year olds allowance it was… still. Kyle was trying desperately to play footsies. Stan was glaring at me whenever he got a chance, and Wendy talked nonstop about issues I seriously didn't give a damn about. I mean, seriously, I'm a nine year old sociopath. I would care about feeding starving Ethiopians because…?

Well I still managed to smile and nod at least. Wendy deemed this an excellent response and I think I might've upped in her friends ranks. That may or may not help me I guess…

After getting through the meal we went to the movie theatre. Wendy wanted to see Hotel for Dogs. Great. That sounded gay. Oh well, I still had to go. Kyle pulled me aside as we went inside and told me that if I didn't want to see the movie it as okay and we could see something else instead, but I assured him I could last a couple of hours. I might even get some sleep in the process. He seemed relieved at my smirk and nodded as Wendy and Stan yelled for us to hurry up. Before we went to them though Kyle leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I sighed, smiled, and let him take my hand as we went to catch up.

As we approached, I gave Stan a more evil smile. He glared back. Kyle noticed Stan and glared at him. Stan noticed Kyle's glare and seemed upset. Wendy was oblivious and was talking about how adopting dogs is important or something equally as dull.

I'd review the movie but I don't really remember much. There were dogs, I ate lots of popcorn and fell asleep. I bet Kyle thought I was kidding. Oh well, I think he liked being used as a makeshift pillow so goodies for him.

All in all, the date sucked ass. I kissed Kyle, told him we needed better date ideas, and headed for home. Yeah Kyle offered to walk me but I quickly shook him off by repeatedly telling him I was fine. I don't know how it worked that easily, I was just glad.

So I went home. And I suppose I have to finally show you what my charming home is like for me.

*****

I didn't bother announcing my stellar presence when I walked in the door. On the off chance my parents were sober enough to answer, that would inevitably lead to me being asked to do something that sounded 2 parts serious, 2 parts joking, and 4 parts bong high, creating an 8 piece pie I just didn't feel like eating.

But I was still unlucky, because as I went upstairs to my room, my parents' door fell open and I got to see them rolling on the floor naked, making out. I wasn't shocked, this happened often enough. I was rather disgusted though. Well, who wouldn't be in that situation? I was hoping to discreetly slip into my room unnoticed and move a chair under the doorknob for protection. Unfortunately, I was spotted before I could manage this maneuver. Fantastic.

"Eviiiiii?" my mom. Long matted black hippie locks frame droopy eyelids, hollow cheeks and the IQ of a walnut. Though she apparently graduated high school with honors and enrolled for 3 years in university. I get my smarts from her side of the family. Unfortunately she met my father in her third year, and he introduced her to Mrs. Sex and Mr. Drugs. Though I have to admit, it wasn't quite to the degree it is now. I'll explain in a second about that.

"Evalin baaaaby! Go clean the cat and gutter the front porch! WOO! Fight the power!" my dad. Hair to his ass and greasy blond. Eyes dead as posts. Sadly he did not come equipped with a previous IQ percentage. The only reason he got into university was serious bribery. That's why we live in a decent house despite neither of them having a decent job. I mean, their main sources of income are change they get dumped on them when they pass out in the park with a random container beside them or else the stuff their friends leave behind at their parties. But yeah, my dad's parents were rich. I have no idea what for, and I doubt he knows either. All I know is that it's invested in a thousand different things and he's on an allowance from the will company or whatever. I don't question it. If I need cash I just get some from his wallet, he doesn't notice, he could've lost it anywhere.

I groaned, opened my door, and slammed it shut. Chair in place, I sighed. Well, it could've been worse. I dumped my bag at the foot of my bed and yanked out my homework. I had every intension of going to university, and if I could manage it I was sort of hoping for a scholarship so I wouldn't have to attribute any of my success to my parents. But I would take the cash if I had to. I would NOT end up like them. Actually, I was kinda hoping to end up ruler of the free world…

Anyway, I guess I'll describe my room. I'm on the second floor. Outside the window is a really big assed tree, excellent for sneaking out, which is why I picked this room to start with. My furniture is pretty standard fair. I went out and got a huge paint can of dark blue paint and covered all the psychedelic shit colours my parents had picked and made the room livable about an hour after finding a hardware store.

The bed is right under my window so I have easier access to it. And even though I have blinds, I usually don't bother closing them except during the weekend when I decide to stay up till 4am and sleep until 3. I like stars though. Plus, the tree branches block view from the street, so it's cool.

I don't have a TV in my room, but I do have a stereo. I turned it on now and started pumping Beethoven's Symphony number 5. I hear classical music makes you smarter, and I figure it's a sociopathic thing to listen to probably. Along one wall I have all my books piled up. As soon as I figure out how to hijack the bookshelf my parents put their records on from the basement to my room I will. This space was supposed to be my haven of sanity. Piled up books were way too disorganized for it.

Anyway, that was my space. Now if you believe you have that firmly in your mind, I will move on to the point where the last of my math problems were fractioned out of existence and stowed back in my bag. I stretched and reached for my pink footie pajamas. Well they WERE warm! I took off my shirt when I heard an unusual sound from the window.

"WOAH!" I believe was what it sounded like. My head whipped around and saw Cartman, in my tree, staring wide eyed in the window, hands clamped over his mouth. And I wasn't wearing a shirt. Of course I was nine, so it's not like I had a rack to show or anything, but that was still pretty icky. I glared at him and shoved my shirt back on before opening the window.

"What the HELL are you doing out there fat ass?!" I demanded angrily. He actually looked a little sheepish.

"I was… I was just…" he seemed to struggle with himself a second before glaring "Have you ever heard of CURTAINS bitch?!"

I rolled my eyes "Have you ever heard of knocking at a DOOR bitch?" I matched his glare.

"I DID" Cartman growled "I didn't get an answer! And no wonder, you're blasting your ears out to this shitty music"

I glared at that "Shitty huh? You're right, maybe next time I should try listening to Brittney Spears perhaps? I hear you give a good rendition"

Cartman's piggy eyes bulged "Wha- you- KYLE!" he seemed to be angry. Good, good.

"Yeah." I giggled "So what do you want?" I was in better spirits now. Angering people helped me with that.

Cartman groaned "Can you let me in bitch? This fucking tree's got a branch up my ass"

"Whatever" I rolled my eyes and stepped back to let him rolled over the edge and onto my mattress. I shut the window "So what do you want?"

Cartman glared "I want to know what all this fucking 'kissing hugging' bullcrap is about! When is Kyle going to cry damn it!"

I slapped my forehead "THIS is what you're here about? For god's sake… these things take TIME you maroon! And let me remind you that once I do this to Kyle I'm setting myself up for minor to major social death! Yeah it'll be fun, but I don't want to hit it too early. I need time to plan how I'm going to take out my parents, inherit their cash, be declared a legal adult or else find somewhere to go-"

Cartman raised an eyebrow "Holy shit bitch, that's WAY too much stuff for a nine year old"

I sighed "Tell me about it. So much to do. So much pain to plot. Ah well, Rome wasn't toppled in a day. Now if that's all, I'd like to get some sleep"

Cartman frowned "Uh, yeah, that's the other thing…."

My foul mood was bad. My eyes narrowed and I crossed my arms "_What_ other thing?"

"Erm…" Cartman shifted a little on my bed "My mom kinda… ah… locked me out of the house…"

"…"

"Evalin?"

"…"

"Come on, I let you stay last night-"

"Can't you break into your own house?!"

"Well I've never actually had to before!"

I groaned "Then go beg your friends for mercy and leave me the hell alone"

Cartman looked pissed "Now look, you fucking owe me Goddamnit!"

"I so do not!"

"You so do… so!"

"Fat ass!"

"Bitch!"

We glared each other down. Then there was a knock at my door.

"EVIIIIIIII!!!!!!!! THE FLUFFY BUNNIES WENT IN YOUR ROOOOOOM!" my mom's voice. Great.

"Shit shit shit…" I growled and went to my stereo to turn up the Beethoven. Cartman frowned. We looked at each other for a few minutes. Then I sighed "Whatever. Just don't fucking bother me. You can take the floor" I shouted over the music and grabbed my pajamas and headed into my closet to change.

"Uh, why is there a chair under your door handle?" I heard from my room.

"So my parents can't get in"

"I seh… but what if, like, something bad happened. Like someone broke into your room or something?"

"What, like you? I doubt they'd be much help" I said coming out in pink. Cartman shook his head.

"I don't get how you can wear that."

"I pretend I'm colorblind" I said deadpan as I went to my bed.

"Uh, aren't you going to turn off the shitty music?" Cartman asked.

"I don't know, do you want the sounds of my parents having sex all night to infiltrate your dreams?" I asked.

"Wouldn't exactly be a new sound for me" Cartman said quietly, looking down. I mostly just read his lips on that one actually, what with the so called 'shitty music' blasting. Oh yeah. His mom was a crack whore. Well then.

"Goddamn… fine, if you're going to fucking whine about it…" I turned off the music, shuddered as my mom let out a pleasurable scream, and went to bury my head with my pillow "Turn off the light fat ass"

"Hey, don't I get a pillow or something?!" the fat boy seemed irked. I poked out my head.

"Hey, you've got a roof, don't get so fucking greedy"

"AYE!" he yelled as I smacked his head with a well aimed pillow throw. He looked at it for a second, raised an eyebrow at me, but then saw fit to push it "I need a blanket too bitch! It's fucking cold!"

"For God's sake…" I muttered. But he had a point, it WAS cold… I jumped out of bed, crossed the room, and grabbed my pillow from Cartman. I then grabbed his arm, dragged him across the room to my bed. I tossed the pillow back where it belonged and Cartman started whimpering. Idiot probably thought I was going to throw him out the fucking window… not that I hadn't split second considered it as an option of course. But instead I simply pushed him onto the bed "There. Now get under the fucking covers and quit being a fucking baby"

"… you're giving me the bed?"

"I'm staying here too asswipe"

"EWW! I don't want to sleep with a girl!"

"Gaywad" I rolled my eyes and turned off the lights, heading back to my bed. I got under the covers and Cartman quickly shuffled to the far side by the wall. Hmm… that was mildly entertaining. With a tiny smirk I shuffled closer to him.

"… Evalin…"

I shuffled closer.

"Evalin what are you doing?" He turned over to face me and saw my smirk. He frowned in the moonlight from the window. In fact, he seemed rather perturbed.

"I ought to get something out of having a space heater in my bed fat ass. It's fucking cold in the mountains" I snuggled up directly next to him and buried my nose in his flabby chest. Oh, this would work nicely. His heart sped up, he started sweating, and I had seriously needed a heater in here. As if my parents ever remembered to pay a bill unless it was forced on them or I forged the signature on the cheque.

"You- but- I- you- can't-" he sputtered and I punched him in the gut "OW!"

"Shut UP asshole!" I growled and he surprisingly fell silent. I turned over and pressed my back up against his warm stomach. Yeah we were spooning sure, but it wasn't like it meant squat so why worry about it? He was a good space heater that Eric Cartman.

And as a bonus I soon discovered, his snores that close to my ears masked the scraping of my parents doing it up against my bedroom door.


	6. Why Are South Park Kids Such WIMPS?

**What Happens When the OC is Technically Evil: a Mary-Sue Gone Weird and Scary Fanfiction**

**Part the Sixth**

_((Joyful Note: So… this is the one where things really got weird for me as I was writing it. Evalin is totally out on her own now if she wasn't before and the whole story is beyond my control. So I'm just letting it run itself from now on and we'll see how that works out I guess. Keep commenting!))_

When I woke up with a fat arm slung over my shoulder I was a bit surprised I'll admit, but only until I recalled Cartman showing up in the night. Then it made sense. I squirmed out from beneath it and checked my calendar. Ah Friday, god I love you. I sat up and smacked Cartman on the noggin.

"OW! What the fuck?!" Cartman's eyes snapped open and he rubbed his head "Bitch!"

"Get over yourself and get out of here. Your mom'll probably let you back in now"

"What the fuck time is it?"

"…seven maybe?"

"The fuck… I don't have time to go home and eat and-"

"Well I'm not showing up at school with you fat boy so get the hell out!" I growled.

"No!"

My mouth opened a little. Did… did he just say _no_ to me? Oh FUCK he was dead!

"GET OUT ASSHOLE!" I shouted, grabbing him by the collar and dragging him up. Cartman's eyes got really big.

"Dude… did… did your eyes just flash red?" he asked in shock. I stopped and raised an eyebrow at him.

"Um… I don't normally see my eyes Cartman. It was probably the light though." I shrugged. Rage was suddenly abated. Oh well. I dropped Cartman "Whatever, I'll change and we can get breakfast"

After donning my blue pants, a red shirt and drawing my black leather jacket over the top we prepared to go down to breakfast. But before that I saw fit to give Cartman a briefing on how this time of the day went at my house.

"Alright. Now, _normally _at this point my parents are passed out somewhere in the house. If you see them, or if they're in the way, step around or over them, do not touch them. Especially my dad, he might grab your leg. In this case we simply go to the kitchen, and look for some food. If we can't find food, we'll have to just get some money from my mom's purse or something and stop at Harbucks for a bagel or something."

"… kay" Cartman said with a small frown at this point.

"Now if they _aren't_ passed out and are awake and moving, we might have a slight problem. But the problem will depend on how sober or hung over or stoned or whatever they are. Our first step is to ignore them completely and continue the regular plan. Even if they talk to you, ignore them. If they touch you, you might want to- wait" I stopped, suddenly distracted by a random thought "Hang on, I thought you hated hippies. My room isn't as filled with pot smoke as the rest of the house, but I can't believe you actually came here…"

"Erm…" Cartman shifted slightly "Well yeah I know it fucking stinks in here, but… well… if you can stand it I can stand it! I can take whatever a fucking girl can!"

"… thanks" I said flatly, deciding not to pursue this. We were on a time limit "Okay, if they touch you, just scream at them. This will usually send them backwards. If anything else happens, just let me handle it. Okay let's go- shit" I groaned as I opened my door and my parents fell snoozing into my room. My mom had been slumped against the door. My dad was on top of her. And the back of my door was… sticky…

"Eww… goddamn I feel sorry for you. Those are hardcore hippies" Cartman shook his head "No wonder you want to off them. How the hell did you turn out okay?"

I laughed darkly "I wouldn't call what I am 'okay' by any accounts BUT, I wasn't actually raised by these idiots my whole life. After I was squeezed out my mom was under some weird hallucination that I wasn't her kid or some shit and I was sent to live with HER mom for my first 4 years of life. Then her mom died and I was sent back to my parents. My mom seemed to get over it by then. But yeah, those 4 years basically stopped me being a freak like them. I hated them to death, and then I started reading, torturing males, etc. Anyway, step carefully around the morons" I sighed and managed to squeeze around them. Cartman had a tad more trouble but still managed as well. We went downstairs.

"Goddamn" Cartman shook his head as we entered the kitchen "This place is worse than Kenny's house. You know, except for the food."

"Mmm, it's not pretty. Lucky my dad was craving pop tarts yesterday it seems…" I said looking at the foot-high pile of them on the floor. Many were still in packaging. I picked up a few and tossed them to Cartman before digging through the newspapers to the toaster. A few minutes later we were licking up pink strawberry frosting and chocolate fudge.

"Awesome" Cartman grinned as he finished the last.

"Okay let's gooo- shit. I forgot my bag. Gimmie a sec" I groaned and headed upstairs. I went into my room, grabbed my bag, and as I was leaving it occurred to me. My parents were gone…

"AH! DIE HIPPIE DIE!"

"CARTMAN?! Shit…" I yelled and swore, rushing downstairs to see my parents, having grabbed up their house coats mercifully, demanding to know what Cartman was doing there. Cartman was of course terrified, holding a butter knife pointed at them and screaming 'BACK BACK'

"Erm… Mom? Dad?" I asked entering the kitchen. They rounded on me.

"And who are- oh. Evalin" dad is such an intellectual prize, really. Not.

"Eviiiiii, who's this kid?" my mom whined.

"An idiot. We're going to school" I said flatly, walking past them to grab Cartman's arm and drag him out. But dad grabbed my shoulder.

"Who is he Evalin?" he seemed mad. Great. I sighed and rubbed my forehead.

"Eric Cartman. You know, the kid whose mom you screwed last night?" I spat.

"Oh… oh yeah she was hot!" mom said gleefully. Cartman looked slightly scarred at that. Well at least his mom was more discreet about it then my parents…

"Whatever" I proceeded to leave the house with Cartman trailing behind. We marched up the street towards the school. I was one of the few South Park Elementary walking students.

Cartman was silent for a while. A long while. But at last he managed to find his voice.

"The HELL are you doing sleeping there at night?!" he demanded. I raised an eyebrow.

"Uh, free room and board and easy money access? My parents are loaded, even if they are retarded… plus they don't ask too many questions" I shrugged.

"Dude, that level of pot smoke can't be good for your brain!"

"I think I know that- wait. Why the fuck are you calling me dude? I thought I was 'bitch'." I raised an eyebrow.

Cartman stared at me "Whatever hoe" eye rolled. Phht, whatever. We walked in silence for a while. Just as the school came a little into view, I grimaced.

"Goddamn… I forgot my manga!" I stamped my foot "That's it. I'm skipping. This school is fucking retarded and I can't deal with it like this"

"So what, you're going to go home?" Cartman asked, looking a little disgusted at the thought.

I rolled my eyes "Where else would I go?"

"Well… you could go to my house" he seemed to be excited about the idea.

"So I take it you'll skip too?"

"Yeah! And we can play Lambs!"

"… Lambs?"

*****

Well. I've never seen Silence of the Lambs. But from the looks of things it seems to be a rather awesome movie and I wouldn't mind giving it a viewing. Apparently some chick got thrown down a deep hole… which is incidentally am odd thing to note here. Cartman had a very deep hole in his basement. I kind of wonder how he went about getting this dug. Did he dig it himself or… what? I have not a clue. To be honest, I felt I'd rather wonder then ask, so I did not ask. Sorry if that disappoints you for some reason.

"She puts the lotion on the skin or else she gets the hose again!" Cartman said gleefully as he dangled a basket with a bottle of moisturizer in it down the hole next to Polly Prissy Pants. I didn't seem to have much to do in this 'game' but I was fascinated by Cartman's utter happiness at supposedly 'torturing' his doll. He was even doing her voice. Weirdo. Hmm… I wonder…

"You know, I'm not doing too much in this game" I pointed out.

Cartman scowled "Well you won't say what I tell you to, you keep making stuff up!"

"Control freak" I muttered, but smirked as I did. He was speaking true of course. He told me to say 'put the lotion in the fucking basket' and I said 'I'll chop your hands off and feed them to you if you don't use them to put my lotion in the basket bitch!'. Honestly, I thought I said it much better but apparently Cartman prefers to rip off movie lines or something "So how about I go down the hole?"

Cartman gave me a completely weirded out look "Um… but you won't know what to say…"

"I've got some ideas"

Cartman glared "We aren't playing Lambs if you don't say the right thing!"

I rolled my eyes "Then we aren't playing 'Lambs' anymore. We're playing 'The Hole'. Which is by far more interesting."

Cartman bit his lip and seemed to fight this idea in his mind for a minute before asking what 'The Hole' game involved. A smile played along my lips.

"Well, we'll say I'm a prisoner" I began to explain, standing up and walking across the room before turning back to face a still-resistant Cartman "In a top security prison. And I've done something bad to my cellmate. Specifically, I've-"

"Raped and sodomized him?" Cartman asked.

I stared at him for a long moment "There's so much wrong with that sentence. No, that's not it. Now then. Specifically, I've cut off his hands and fed them to him"

Cartman slapped his forehead "Why are you so hung up on that today?!"

I shrugged "I don't know, it just sounds like a fun thing to do to a person"

Cartman winced "Seriously, you are a twisted bitch"

"Anyway, I've cut off his hands and fed them to him. So I've been sent to the hole. Oh yeah, this prison was before all those humanitarians went in to root out inhumane behavior towards prisoners and all that shit. So I've been sent to the hole. No light. Little food. No way out but up, and the guard is in total control of whatever goes down in the hole. Total authority"

Cartman's eyes lit up at that "A-authoritah?"

"Yep" I smirked. Cartman looked excited for a moment, but then looked uncertain.

"Why do you want to be the victim in this?" Cartman asked.

I sighed "Because I'm curious as to what you'd do to me in this situation. It's one thing to ask that question, another if you're experiencing the answer. Now then" I glanced down the hole and then glanced around Cartman's basement. There were some pillows. I went over, got them, and threw them down the hole before jumping down onto them. I had no intention of breaking a leg thanks. Then I threw the pillows back out. Cartman looked down the hole.

"Hey, catch the corpse douche bag! I don't share space!" I shouted and threw Polly Prissy Pants out into Cartman's chest.

"Christ Evalin, what the hell am I supposed to do?" Cartman demanded.

I raised an eyebrow "Whatever you want fat ass. You're the guard. I'm the prisoner. Incidentally, I believe in prison you should refer to me as 'Smyth' as that's my last name. Now then" I closed my eyes, cleared my mind, and let a scowl fill my features. I glared up at Cartman with pure condescending hate in my eyes "So guardy, you're gonna stop me escapin' huh? Well lemme tell ya, you turn your back one second and I ge' outta here, the next dickhead eatin 'is hands gonna be YOU!"

Cartman raised an eyebrow at my strange talking pattern. But I was role playing. He gave a curious look.

"Hey, can you be Jewish?"

I was a bit startled "Um, okay… why?"

"Cause then I could be a Nazi and torturing a Jewish captive!" Cartman seemed excited. I grimaced.

"Cartman, that's not cool. You shouldn't want to be a Nazi torturing Jews"

Cartman's jaw dropped and he started sputtering "B-but, you're torturing Kahl! Or, like, you will be, and he's a Jew!"

I stared up at him "I'm not doing it because he's Jewish retard! I'm doing it because he's a goody goody and girly as hell! Plus it'll make Stan go insane, I swear I wasn't planning anything intricate until I found out how pissed this was making Stan. HE is just hilarious. God I can't wait to see him cry over Kyle's mangled and hung up body… but anyway. It's not cause he's Jewish. Genocide is just wrong dude. Because you're saying your race is better than another race and the fact is that every race has strengths and weaknesses and individuals frequently break the molds set for them."

Cartman stared at me "So… you want _Stan_ to suffer?"

I shrugged "Well, I mean, isn't it obvious? Kyle's going to be happy for a while dude. I mean yeah, I'll break his heart, and yeah it'll crush him hard and he might commit suicide and it'll be hilarious, but Stan's hilarious right now. He's completely horrified that'd I'm using his best friend so easily. And when I manage to get Stan to give up on Kyle, that's when I'm hoping Kyle will commit suicide. If he does, when Stan finds out, he will become naught but an empty shell…"

Cartman stared down the hole "But… I LIKE Stan."

I froze. Then laughed hysterically "I had NO idea you swung that way!"

Cartman looked enraged "I don't mean like THAT bitch! I mean, I don't hate him like Kyle, he's basically a pussy, but he's a good guy too"

"Well whatever, I'm still going to fucking destroy him" I shrugged "Now anyway, I think school's letting out so I guess I should get out of this hole."

Cartman smirked then. I didn't like that.

"I don't believe prisoners are allowed out of the hole"

"… oh sure, NOW you're going to play" I rolled my eyes "Seriously, get me out of the hole. Just like, I don't know, get a ladder or a rope or something"

"No way bitch! You want to jump down there and play prisoner then that's what you're going to do!" Cartman snapped "I've got the authoritah! Respect meh authoritah!"

My mouth opened a moment. Then I closed it. Okay. Fine. This might be interesting. Even if I was getting a tad annoyed.

Cartman smiled at my silence, and decided to go on, pacing the rim of the pit "So I hear you've been cutting off people's hands and feeding it to them. Well I have bad news for you. I've been sent in to make you sorry for doing that. To… eat your words I suppose you could say. Well, someone's words anyway… we'll see"

I raised an eyebrow. Where was he going with this?

He walked away from the pit's edge. I heard him fumbling with something. Then something turned on.

_"We were both young, when I first saw you…"_

"No…" I whispered breathlessly.

"_I close my eyes and the flashback starts"_

"No…" I repeated, eyes widening.

"_I'm standing there on a balcony in the summer air"_

"H-how… how could you…" I was floored. He knew my hatred. My insane hatred for Taylor Swift. How, how could he? HOW?!

_ "See the lights see the party the ball gowns"_

"NO! CARTMAN TURN IT OFF! I CAN'T TAKE THAT FUCKING SONG NOOOO!!!!" I shrieked, covering my ears and squeezing my eyes shut "KILL IT! OH GOD KILL IT NOW!"

_ "See you make your way through the crowd"_

Then I felt something hit my head. It felt like it squished a little. The hell… I looked up. I seemed to be viewing a mooning. Wait… no…

_ "And say hello"_

I reached up. Took hold of whatever was on my hair. I pulled some out and looked at the chocolate brown color. I looked back up to see Cartman yanking up his pants and grinning. He sort of stopped at my totally bewildered expression. Taylor Swift still went on in the background but I was just frikken confused.

_"Little did I know…"_

"You… you shit on my head? _Really_?"

_That you were Romeo, You were throwing pebbles_

"Uh… yeah?"

_ My daddy said 'Stay away from Juliet!'_

"But…" I glanced back at the poo in my hand.

_ But I was crying on the staircase_

I realized I had no idea where I was going with that 'but', so I stopped it. I mean… how the hell do you respond to this sort of thing?!

_Begging you please don't goooo……_

I kind of shook my hand a bit and smeared off the shit on the wall of the pit "Can… can I please come out now?"

_And I said 'Romeo-'_

" And for god's sake turn off that shitty music!"

Actually, I was a bit surprised that Cartman complied with that. He shut off the music and threw down a rope. I climbed out, still giving him a strange look. He gave me a confused one back. I went to his bathroom. I washed my hair out. I stared in the mirror. My cheeks were flushed, but not in anger. I felt sick.

I threw up in the toilet. The vile taste shocked me back to my senses. I washed my mouth out with water from the sink after flushing and then opened the door. Cartman was standing outside.

"So, erm, what are you going to do now?" he asked. I was about to answer when the phone rang. Cartman frowned and answered it "Yeah? Oh, what's up Jew? Oh, the bitch?" oh, this was about me? "Yeah, actually she's over here" a pause where I wondered what the fuck he was thinking "Because she called me a fat ass one too many times so I decided to lock her in my basement and force her to listen to Taylor Swift until she begged for mercy" another pause "Sure" he handed me the phone with raised eyebrows and a smirk. I gaped at him for a second before shaking my head and taking the phone.

"Uh, hey-"

Kyle's voice came fast "Evalin?! Are you okay?!"

I frowned a bit "Erm… yeah I guess. As good as I can be after listening to Shakespeare getting butchered on repeat, Cartman is a fucking psychopath" I had to hold back a chuckle at that.

"Oh my God, how the hell did he even get at you? You're way tougher than him!"

I rolled my eyes "He caught me outside my house and used chloroform. I woke up in a hole in his basement. What the hell does he have a hole in his basement for anyway?!"

"I have no clue! A-are you still down there now?"

"No, he let me out. I just finished washing my hair out, but I'll have to shower when I get home, that freak shit on my head!"

"………….WHAT?!"

"I know, I was confused too" I said blandly "Seriously, what do you even _say_ to that? But yeah, I'm out"

"That's okay, I just, I can't BELIEVE…." Some mumbling I didn't catch "I'm coming to get you out, don't turn your back on the fat ass for a second!"

"Sure thing dude" I said with a smirk and hung up. Then I turned to Cartman "What the _hell_?! You shit on my _head_!"

Cartman raised an eyebrow "Well, what else did you think I would do? I mean, in that situation I can't think I'd do anything else…"

I stared at him long and hard. Then I slapped him. As he screamed and whined about it I went upstairs. Idiot.

Kyle showed up in a few minutes and I left with him. He was on the warpath about my supposed 'kidnapping'. Unfortunately there was a downside to Cartman's explanation of why I wasn't at school even if it kinda DID save my hide. Namely, now I had absolutely no excuse whatsoever for being around Cartman outside of school. I thought maybe if we were caught together I could make up something about him going to show me something stupid or I was going to rile him up or something. But now if I said that I'd sound really stupid. If he supposedly tried this once it only stand to reason he might again, I had no backup plan for this situation. Well, maybe I could think of something in time, but for now I was pretty fucked.

Anyway, I had a new problem. Kyle was insisting upon walking me home.

"Look, you're a long way away, and I wouldn't put it past Cartman to cut you off somehow. Besides," he smiled "I really want to meet your parents!"

I winced. There it was. Oh well, on Kyle my sob story would doubtlessly work wonders "I don't think you do"

Kyle's smile faded "Why not?"

"Well… it's just…" I sighed "They aren't… really… sober a lot…"

Kyle let out a slow breath, seeming understanding filled his features "Oh… they're alcoholics?"

"And drug addicts. And pot smokers. And sex freaks. Not to mention refugees from the hippie era." I shook my head "They had a party the other night and invited a bunch of crack whores"

"Oh, was Cartman's mom there?" Kyle asked with a wry smile.

"Actually yes" I said deadpan. Kyle's smile faded again, this time into a disgusted look.

"Dude, that's pretty fucked up"

"No kidding." I sighed "But that's also my life. Fucked it may be, but if it wasn't fucked like it was I wouldn't be who I am today. It's possible that would be a good thing, but I wouldn't exactly trade my life for someone else's. I might work on improving it though. For example I'm trying to work out how to move a bookcase from the basement to my room with the manpower of one nine-year-old girl."

"Yeah… hey maybe Stan and Kenny could help, I would too of course"

I raised an eyebrow "You know this isn't really much of a reaction to my fucked family life."

Kyle looked confused "well… I'm nine. What am I supposed to do?"

I rolled my eyes "I don't know, never mind. Look, I can walk myself home. Cartman catching me off guard was a total onetime thing. I kind of heard him behind me, but I didn't bother turning or anything because I didn't think he'd knock me unconscious and dump me in a pit in his basement. Ninja he is not, he won't succeed again"

Kyle sighed in defeat. He couldn't fight me long "Okay… just be careful" he leaned over and kissed me lightly on the cheek before we parted ways. What a loser.

*****

My parents were having a party when I got home. So. That's where Cartman's mom was. I managed to sneak by the naked bodies and hid out in my room. I was there about 3 minutes when I heard a knock on my window. I looked and Cartman was waving with a shit eating grin on his face. I did my best to look irritable as I opened the window.

"So you've chosen to delight me with your presence why?" I said loudly, so as to be heard over the screams and loud music echoing through my house.

"I'm here to rescue you. My mom said she was going to a party, and didn't she say if your parents threw any more parties you could stay at my house? I came over to get you" he seemed rather happy. That was weird. I nibbled my bottom lip.

"Erm… I guess that's okay" I set about my room grabbing stuff. Then I paused "Would your mom mind if I packed for the weekend? I never exactly know when these parties end, and we typically have some drunk people around the house for a couple days after their more wild parties…"

"Well since my mom's going to be here I doubt she'd mind" Cartman said blandly. I nodded and went to my closet. A drunk guy stumbled out.

"Duuuuuuude, I'm sooooooo high right now…"

"Aw fuck" I twitched "I NEED a lock for my door. Get out of here asshole!" I snapped, pushing him out the door Cartman opened for me. I closed it and replaced my chair under the knob "AW! He puked on my sleeping bag"

"Whatever, you can sleep in my bed" Cartman shrugged "I slept in yours last night."

"I guess" I sighed and shut my closet door. I grabbed up my backpack and we two sociopaths went from my bedroom window to the tree and onto the ground. We walked in silence until the sounds of the party dimmed enough for proper thought.

"So I'm slightly weirded out that you came all the way to my house to… to 'rescue' me as you call it" I said finally.

"Phht, whatever bitch" Cartman rolled his eyes. We walked in silence a little longer.

"So I was planning on starting to make Kyle's parents hate me when we go to the museum next week"

Cartman looked rather disgusted by this "Ew… why would you want to go to a museum?"

I frowned "Well I normally like museums. But usually I go alone. If I'm with a guy I usually have trouble concentrating on anything in there. I don't quite get why but whatever"

"Heh, yeah" Cartman looked uncomfortable. I didn't care about the reason for this.

We walked in silence the rest of the trip before Cartman let us into his house. It being Saturday tomorrow, I was in no rush to go to bed but I did dump my stuff in his room. Once that was done we went down to his living room and Cartman flipped on the television and we started watching some random sitcom. I wasn't really paying attention… strangely I didn't think Cartman was either.

In fact, soon I discovered we were looking at each other.

"Um, Evalin?" Cartman said after a few moments of that.

"… what?" I asked.

"Erm… nothing" Cartman looked back at the screen. I glanced there briefly as well, but decided I couldn't keep watching some idiotic fake family make minor jokes to a laugh track. I got up.

"I'm going to bed" I announced and headed for the stairs.

"Oh, uh, I'll be up in a minute" Cartman said, seeming startled.

I shook my head "It's okay, I can go to bed by myself. Just don't wake me up when you come upstairs"

"N-no, it's okay. I'm tired too" Cartman said letting out a loud very fake yawn to prove his point. Whatever. I shrugged and continued upstairs and into the fat ass' room. I quickly changed into my pink footies and crawled under Cartman's clean sheets. Hmm… fabric softener. Pleasant. I snuggled into his comforter when the door suddenly opened.

"… Evalin? Are you awake?" he hissed.

"Possibly" I grumbled, turning over to face him "What do you want?"

"Erm.. I was just, kinda thinking" he muttered.

I raised a tired eyebrow "Well alert the media. Is that what that smoke was?"

Cartman scowled "Goddamn it bitch! I'm trying to say something"

I sighed "Alright, but if you decide to rethink it tell me in the morning, I don't think I could stay up late enough for you to work through this twice"

"Wha- you- phht FINE BITCH! I won't tell you! Move over!" he grunted in a rather pissed off manner as he climbed onto the bed. The light was already out so that was fine. I breathed out gently as I pressed my body up against the warm bulk of Cartman's fat stomach. He shifted in discomfort "Seriouslah, what the hell is wrong with you bitch?! You're fucking condescending to me then you're fucking cuddling up to me like I was your fucking teddy bear or something!"

I rolled my eyes "Don't be ridiculous, I don't have a teddy bear. Now shut up, I'm tired. It's freezing. You're warm. If it wasn't so cold up here in this damn redneck mountain town I wouldn't be anywhere near you."

"You know I don't have to put up with this!"

"But you will" I chuckled.

"And why would I?!"

"Oh like it isn't obvious you like me" I snorted "I'm experienced at this, as if I wouldn't notice that your mannerisms scream 'crush'."

…

Okay, I admit, I didn't actually expect to be pushed across the bed so hard I fell off. I mean, how could I assume he had it in him?

"OW! What the FUCK Cartman?!" I demanded as I pulled myself into a seated position on the floor.

"So you fucking knew that and just let me act like a fucking pussy asshole?!" he seemed unreasonably pissed off.

"You are such a retard Cartman…" I growled "You _knew_ I hated everybody. You _knew_ I was an evil sociopathic nutcase. How could you expect anything less? What else would you expect me to do in that situation?"

"You… just… well…" Cartman took a pause to growl "MotherFUCKER!"

"Whatever." I snapped and dragged myself back on the bed and burrowed under the covers "You are such an asshole" I muttered as I snuggled up to him again. He seemed rather bewildered "Hey, look, you've got me here, with you, in your bed. Up against you. There are dozens who wish I would do this with them. So take your bone, dog, and move on with your life. Yeah I'm going to end up playing with your heart, it's what I do. Get over it"

"Just my fucking luck…" Cartman snapped "I find a girl who's like the female me and even SHE doesn't like me!"

I pushed myself back from him a little, with a look of digust "I am SO not the female you fat boy. Yeah I'm a sociopath and you're a sociopath but that doesn't mean we're alike in any other way"

"Excuse me. You swear. I swear. You want to kill the Jew. I want to kill the Jew. You fucking hate people. I fucking hate people. We like musicals. We liked fucked up shit. Our parents are whores. I mean yeah, maybe you're kinda smarter in some things and maybe I have a better home life then you do, but you might as well change your name bitch, you're Erika Cartman"

My jaw dropped "Oh you did NOT just… NO! I am NOT girl you! F-FUCK YOU!" I screamed and jumped right out of the fat asshole's bed. That was just BULLSHIT right there!

Cartman glared "Well, fuck you back bitch!" he growled, giving me the finger. I shot one back.

"I'm going home. Fuck the party, I've lived through them before" I muttered, gathering my stuff together. Cartman's eyes bulged but he didn't stop me as I marched out of his room and in turn out of his house into the snow. But I didn't head for home. My legs seemed to be taking me to Kyle's house. I could only imagine the reason…

*****

"E-Evalin? It's 11:45, what's wrong?" Kyle asked in surprise when I showed up in his bedroom window. He of course let me inside.

"My parents are having another orgy party" I said deadpan "Any chance I can crash here? I really don't want to deal with drunks in my closet tonight"

"… weak dude" Kyle blinked "Uh, yeah you can stay here I guess. I think I have a spare sleeping bag in my closet" Kyle said crossing the room. I sighed and leaned against the wall. Somehow I wasn't thrilled to be sleeping here for the weekend, even though I was escaping hell house. Maybe I was losing it. I don't know. But soon I was settling in a Terrence and Phillip sleeping bag on Kyle's floor. My eyes were just closing when Kyle suddenly leapt from his bed.

"The hell-?" I asked wearily as Kyle looked at me wild-eyed as if in sudden realization.

"My mom! She can't see you in my room, you're a girl!" Kyle gasped.

I wanted to say something witty but I was too tired "Bleh" I mumbled and closed my eyes again, only to have Kyle shaking my shoulder.

"No, no seriously, she'll kill me! I-its okay. We can call… Wendy. Yeah! She's friends with you right?" Kyle said hurriedly. I groaned.

"Erm… kinda I guess" I muttered "But it's kinda past midnight already, won't she be asleep?"

Kyle frowned "Maybe I guess but… the only person I think might be awake at this time of night whose parents wouldn't care would be… Cartman"

I glared "No way"

Kyle sighed "I understand but… hell, at least it's better than your house right now right? And I don't think you'd let him do anything-" clearly Kyle was too tired and freaked to think this through properly… it seemed unlikely he'd send me near the fat boy if he was in his right mind.

"Kyle, no" I said darkly. Kyle failed to detect my tone.

"Look, it's not like I WANT to send you to Cartman's, but I can't let my mom find me with a girl in my room! I'll call him" he went for his phone and I groaned, pulled myself out of my sleeping bag and took the phone from Kyle right when he finished dialing.

"I'll talk to him" I said flatly.

Kyle raised an eyebrow as Cartman's phone rang "Why?"

"Please Kyle, I'm tired, don't question me" I sighed, rubbing my temple with one hand as the phone picked up on the other end.

A snort came from the receiver "The hell… who's calling me? Fucking asshole I'll make you eat your parents!"

I chuckled in my head but that made it hurt. Ow "Hello Cartman. It's Evalin"

"… Evalin? Why the fuck are you calling me, didn't you go home?" he sounded tired and pissed. Just like m- NO! Not like me! I wasn't female Cartman damn it!

"Actually I'm at Kyle's house. As you know, there's a party at my house. And I decided I didn't actually want to stay there. But Kyle's too scared of his mom to let me stay here and we figured everyone else would be asleep" I explained.

There was a silence for a second. Then "WELL I WAS ASLEEP TOO BITCH!!!"

"Well I'm leaving here anyway. Don't call back, I'm going" I said hanging up. There. Now if I changed my mind and decided not to go back to Cartman's I had deniability with him for never actually saying I was going to his house. I packed up my stuff; bid Kyle an annoyed adieu and left. Seriously, this kid was a WIMP. This was his MOM. She hadn't been hard to win over at all, I didn't see the problem. Whatever.

*****

I was sort of wandering the streets dragging my bag and trying to decide if I should actually go back to Cartman's, if I should go home and brave the party, or if I should find another person's house to try. The problem in that last option was that I had no idea where anybody else lived.

While passing one house I heard a familiar voice call down to me and I looked up to see his blond head looking innocently downward.

"Oh, uh, h-hi Evalin! What're you doing out so late?" Butters asked from his 2nd floor bedroom window. Huh. Well it beat sleeping out in the street.

"Um, I can't exactly go home right now, wild party. Kyle says he's afraid his mom will find me in his room and I don't particularly feel like going to Cartman's… can I crash here?" I called up.

"O-oh." Butters rubbed his knuckles together "I-I don't think my dad would like that, I'd get grounded"

I groaned, rubbed my forehead, and prepared to work my magic "Hey Butters, please, don't you think you could _try_ to break the rules, just this once? I'll be gone before they even find out, really!" I said with a small pout. Butters did for his credit blush furiously.

"I-I really can't Evalin! C-can't you just go to Wendy's house?" Butters suggested hopefully.

I rolled my eyes "I WOULD except I don't know where her house is!"

"O-oh. Well I guess she probably is asleep by now anyway…" Butters admitted "But… you could go somewhere like… like Kenny's! Yeah, Kenny's parents are alcoholics so they won't give a crap about a girl in his room! O-of course, he might molest you"

I blinked and shivered. Okay fine "I'll take it. Where's Kenny's house?"

"Oh, he lives on the bad side of the tracks, 4 houses down from Eric's" Butters explained.

It took a moment to remember Cartman's first name but I got it "… kay" I said and went down the road again, heading in the direction of Cartman's house safe in the knowledge I'd be passing it by. When I was in the process of passing it by however, a familiar fat face poked out of his bedroom window.

"AYE! Where the fuck are you going bitch?! My house is over here!" he screeched to my annoyance.

"SHUT UP!" I shouted back "I'm going to stay at Kenny's, I'm still fucking pissed off at you!"

Cartman's mouth gaped and he made a strangled sound before looking pissed again "Now hang on a second! All I said was that you were a fucking female me, that's fucking true!"

"NO IT ISN'T!!!" I screamed "SHUT UP! I'M NOT FAT!"

Cartman stared "I… I never said you were."

"You said I was the female you so-"

"What?!" Cartman now looked REALLY pissed "AYE! I'm not fat I'm big boned! And you're not fat OR big boned, I just meant our personalities are similar! Jesus Christ!"

I stared for a long moment. I chewed on my bottom lip. Then I turned back down the street "I'm still going to Kenny's"

"BUT HE'S A POOR ASSHOLE! His house has like, rats and stuff!" Cartman whined.

"I don't care, my house gets the occasional infestation itself. All the pop tarts lying around" I explained and continued on my way as Cartman whined and raged. Little bitch. I crossed the train tracks and the stream of profanity dimmed. I saw the window with Megaman stickers on it. Clearly the kid's room. I chucked a rock at it.

The window opened after throwing three of them. Kenny appeared, and he appeared naked. Hmm.

"Evalin?" He asked, looking rightly confused.

"Hey Kenny, mind if I crash here? Cartman's a dick and Butters and Kyle are too afraid of their parents to let me stay" I explained in a slight shout up to him.

Kenny stared sleepily at me "And you can't stay at home because…?"

"My parents are throwing an orgy party" I said flatly. Kenny's eyes widened.

"And, uh, where did you say you lived again?" Kenny asked slowly. I frowned and gave my address. He grinned and disappeared from the window for a couple of minutes. Then he returned in a parka at the front door. He flashed by me rather fast. I stared at the empty space he previously occupied for a moment. Then I burst into laughter.

"Oh God… what a slut!" I gasped and sighed. Damn. No more options now. I turned, swallowed my pride, and marched back to Cartman's.

*****

"Oh no, you're not coming in now bitch!" Cartman snapped from his front door. I glared.

"What the hell Cartman?! I could've been sleeping ages ago if you hadn't been such a fucking asshole! Let me in!" I snapped and tried to push my way past the fat ass but he proved to make a good wall. I pulled back and glared "Cartman, I'm very, very tired right now. I'm certain I have big dark circles under my eyes right now. I am about to spaz worse than I ever had, so you'd better get the FUCK out of my way before you DIE. GOT IT?!"

But, to my surprise, Cartman did not look afraid, nor did he look angry. Instead, he looked thoughtful, with an annoying smirk and stroking his double chin "Hmm… well maybe I could let you in- for a price"

I sigh/groaned, folded my arms, and raised a tired eyebrow "What, you want cash or something? I think I might have about $20 on me, but the hell I'm giving you $20 to sleep in your house."

"No, I was- wow twenty dollars?" Cartman looked surprised, but then shook himself out of it "No, I want something else… and your twenty dollars."

I glared "I just said I wouldn't give you my twenty dollars!"

Cartman blinked "nineteen?"

"No!"

"Fifteen?"

"No!"

"Ten dollars, and that's as low as I'm going!" Cartman snapped.

I looked at him for a long moment. Then "I'll give you five dollars"

"Seven"

"Deal…"

Cartman grinned "Oh, and you have to kiss me."

I stared. I stared a long time. "But… you know I don't like you."

Cartman shrugged "I don't care"

I stared some more "But… even if I acted like I liked you, it'd all be a lie"

"Yeah, and I don't care" Cartman shrugged "You want in right? Give me the money"

I frowned, and went through my bag, pulling out a ragged $5 bill and two singles and handing it to him. He smirked.

"And you have to kiss me"

I rolled my eyes "But _why_?"

Cartman grinned "Because it'll embarrass you. You'll be humiliated completely, and I shall revel in it"

I blinked, the annoyance somewhat leaving my face "Huh…" I flushed slightly. The sky was already lightening. I'd been out all night… fuck "Well- fine!" I growled and leaned forward and pressed my lips against the fat boy's. He made a pleased noise and I drew back, flushing and slightly disgusted with myself for giving in so easily.

But I was tired, and I don't make my best decisions when I'm tired. In any case, the fat ass finally stepped aside. Asshole. The moment I hit warm air I burst into goose pimples and sneezed, shaking. Oh God. A cold. Lord have mercy.

"Eww… but- you kissed… OH GOD!" Cartman gasped and ran to the bathroom where he started gargling. Served the asshole right. I heard a sneeze. Hmm, that passed on quick. I laughed slightly and then coughed. Damn. Cartman came back and we looked at each other with slight glared.

"Well?" I asked after a moment.

"Goddamnit" Cartman muttered and headed for the stairs. I followed. We went to his room, collapsed in his bed, and I couldn't even find the energy to curl up next to the flab master before I fell fast asleep… hopefully my nose wouldn't plug up and suffocate me.


	7. Okay, Now I'm Delusional

**What Happens When the OC is Technically Evil: A Mary-Sue Gone Weird and Scary Fanfiction**

**Part The Seventh**

_((Joyful Note: Hmm… so this is my last pre-written part. I've written a bunch of part 8 already so that's cool. But anyway, I believe I had a cold during this so I was writing from experience. Hooray. Not that you care))_

When my eyes at last fluttered open, halfway at least, I discovered myself pressed against Cartman as per usual. I didn't remember taking the initiative in this, but whatever. It was warm, I was still tired, I closed my eyes again. I tried to breathe in through my nose. A snork. Oh good. I tried breathing through my mouth but that dried it out pretty fast. Fuck, fuck, fuck… I didn't want to get up to get a tissue. I didn't. I was warm and comfy and goddamn I shouldn't have to go get one! I glanced at Cartman's face. He seemed asleep.

I looked at his pj top. Oh no, that would be disgusting. I shouldn't even think of that. But didn't he shit on my head? This was totally deserved. I leaned forward, grabbed a bit of it, and blew my nose as quietly as I could manage. Cartman snorted a bit and I froze, but he still seemed asleep. Thank you Jesus. I owe you a cookie for that one. I had used a bit on the side of his top, so I could still safely warm myself in his bulk. Nice. My eyes were about to flutter closed again when I felt Cartman nuzzle forward and rub his nose in my hair. Oh goddamn it. I knew what his handkerchief was. Shit. I was going to need another hair washing now.

"Asshole" I murmured.

"Bitch" I heard as a soft reply. I noticed it was light in the room.

"What time is it?" I whispered.

"I don't know, probably eleven or something" Cartman muttered. We weren't looking at each other. My eyes were in fact back to being mostly closed, and I was facing Cartman's pj top.

"Mmm…" I sighed and closed my eyes completely again "You're so disgusting"

"Thanks, so are you" Cartman said half-sarcastically.

"Whatever." I muttered and sighed "Fucking colds."

"Yeah, you just had to share your cold with me didn't you?" Cartman growled.

I chuckled darkly "Totally. Best thing to share. I assure you Kyle will be the next victim of my illness, so don't feel too bad"

"Heh, I like it better already!" Cartman shook a bit in evil laughter and I joined in. This was actually very peaceful. I wished it could have stayed this way for a while. But then my stomach growled. Oh Lord no. Oh God don't make me have to leave the warmness. No no no no no….

Then I sneezed and my ears plugged up… shit. I was sick all right. I burst into a coughing fit and pushed back from Cartman to sputter that one out. Then he started coughing… fuck. We both had to stagger out of bed and dig out some tissues or something. I stumbled into his bathroom to wash out my hair, he changed his shirt and then in my dizziness all I could manage to do was stumble back to Cartman's bed and collapse again, sneezing. When Cartman came back to I raised my head slightly.

"Please tell me you have cough syrup in your house somewhere?" I moaned.

"Uuuh…. Maybe in the bathroom" Cartman said hoarsely and turned to head out. Huh. He must be sick if he's going to get it for me. And him too I guess. He came back with a bottle of the red stuff. Nice.

"Yessss…." I said happily as he took a swig and handed me the bottle. I knew that the serving was roughly a small mouthful and we both already had the cold so fuck germs. I took one myself and groaned "I fucking hate being sick."

"And it's Saturday! I mean God fucking damn it, you could've at least given me this fucking cold on Monday when I could miss school!" Cartman snapped and collapsed on the bed as well. Things went swimmy for a second. Then the bedroom door opened. Weird…

"C-Cartman? Evalin?" Kyle looked surprised "What the hell are you doing on the same bed?!" he seemed horrified.

"Asshole didn't have a sleeping bag. Don't worry, I caught a cold and gave it to him. Yay revenge" I said monotonously and then coughed.

"Bitch" Cartman muttered and glared over at Kyle "The hell are you doing bursting into my room anyway Jew? You don't like it when I break into your house, hypocrite"

"Why the fuck are you breaking into his house fat ass?" I growled.

"I don't know, various reasons!" Cartman snapped, and then broke out coughing again.

Kyle looked livid "I don't think I feel comfortable with my girlfriend sleeping in the same bed as my worst enemy!!!"

I glared at the ceiling, unable to raise my stuffed up head "Then you shouldn't've sent me back here!"

Kyle rolled his eyes "Well I figured you'd get a sleeping bag or- wait a minute, _back_ here?" uh oh. I think I might've fucked up here and didn't notice… "I thought you came to my house first, how could you-"

Cartman rolled his eyes and huffed "She means send her back here after I kidnapped her before, stupid!"

"Oh" Kyle frowned, still looking pissed though "Well still, this is just- just-"

As Kyle tried to figure out what it 'just' was, I was marveling at Cartman saving my ass. Did this mean I owed him one? Fuck. I hated being in debt worse than having colds. Oh well, more pressing matters at the moment.

"I know Kyle, I'm sorry, but when I got here I was sort of too tired to argue about anything regarding sleeping bags or what have you. It won't happen again I assume. I assume because I'm hoping to find somewhere else to hide out in the event of any future sex parties. You understand" I paused "What exactly are you doing here anyway?"

Kyle paused "Well I went by your house to see if you'd gone home yet but your parents were still a… a… well I'm planning on mentally blocking the images" Kyle grimaced "So I thought maybe you'd still be here… you'd been out kinda late I thought- but geez…" Kyle frowned. I rolled my eyes. What a frikken idiot.

"Well that's fucking fantastic Kyle. But as you can see I'm sick, Cartman's sick, and now because you have infiltrated our snot-ridden domain you too are doomed to the disease. Unless you maybe run home and drink a gallon of orange juice. I don't know. I feel slightly delirious anyway." I glanced up.

"Well… I really only was checking on my way to Stan's but- okay" Kyle frowned "I- I guess I trust you Evalin. But I don't trust fat ass, watch out for him" Kyle, seeming out of character, left. Hmm.

I burst into a coughing fit a minute later.

"Uh, maybe you should like, actually go to a doctor or something. You might have pneumonia or something" Cartman said sounding concerned.

I groaned "Ah fuck I hope not" I sniffed "That means that I need to get a significantly greater amount of cash to pay a medical bill. Which means I need to get my parents to actually leave the house and go to the doctor to pay. Which will suck ass. If I can wait it out without that horror I will, thanks"

Cartman frowned "That's great Evalin, except that you're kind of infiltrating on my hospitality right no-"

"God I could use some OJ" I muttered, eyes half closed.

"Evalin, you can't stay he-"

"OJ would be so awesome right now"

"Goddamn it Eva-"

"OJ is really good for colds and stuff"

"No Evalin I'm not getting you-"

"Geez, I sure could use some-"

"NO EVALIN THAT'S A BAD EVALIN!"

"I- wait." I stared at him. Then I went on "You know, orange juice has-"

"FINE! GOD!" Cartman yelled, throwing his arms in the air and hobbling off the bed. Heh heh. Win.

Cartman returned with a glass of OJ… and a smile. Uh oh. I looked at the glass warily for a moment. Then it occurred to me. Damn, my reflexes were slow.

"You peed in it didn't you?"

Cartman's jaw dropped and he glared "You- but- n-NO!"

"Right" I said deadpan. Then I smirked "Then you take a sip first."

Cartman looked stricken "Uh… I uh- I shouldn't have to prove myself to you bitch!"

I rolled my eyes "Oh come on Cartman. It's totally obvious you peed in that glass. Now just pour it out and let's forget about it"

Cartman glared "You are such an ass ramming dyke."

"Whatever" I muttered. I felt a bit dizzy again, and couldn't really go all out on an insult at the moment. We looked at each other. He glared for a bit but noticing he's looking at just a tired expression it seemed to somewhat dissipate. He sighed.

"Just… just go back to sleep. I'm getting breakfast" Cartman left the room and I sniffed again, burying my head into the pillows. Worked for me, I was still out of my mind tired and I was perfectly willing to sleep my illness away.

Or, you know, I would have. Except for sudden insomnia. Fuck. An hour later I was lying still, eyes closed, no blissful unconsciousness. Crap.

I heard fat boy calling my name. I didn't answer.

I heard him approaching the bed. I didn't move.

I felt his lips on mine.

I kissed back.

Goddamn, I must really need to see a doctor.

*****

I spent the whole of Saturday at Cartman's. His mom didn't come home and no one came over looking for either of us. And I attribute everything I'm about to describe that seems like affectionate actions towards Cartman to the incapacitating sickness I have undergone. Because I did hate Cartman, just as I hated everyone else and that wasn't going to change. Forget it.

Really.

So after Cartman and I kissed we sort of looked at each other for a moment.

Finally I said "You know I don't like you"

Cartman shrugged "I don't really give a fuck"

We stared another moment. Then I returned his shrug "Okay" and we went back to kissing.

Don't look at me like that. I don't know why I was doing it. I was just doing it. End. Don't question it. I felt nothing. Really.

REALLY.

So following that we sort of laid on his bed a while longer before we both sort of went downstairs and got some cereal (Super Sugar Nuggets, luckily my stuffed nose prevented much taste from it). Then we went into his living room and watched TV for a while.

Yes my head was on his shoulder. Yes his arm was around me. No, I didn't feel anything. I didn't like him. I hated him, just like everyone else. He just made a good pillow is all. He was soft. And warm. But I didn't feel anything.

REALLY.

I-I was just setting him up to break his heart, like any other boy! Duh!

The Simpsons ended and Cartman changed channels. A music video was playing,

Taylor Swift.

Love Story.

My God.

_And I said "Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone"_

"Urg, turn that bitch OFF!" I moaned, covering my ears. Cartman looked down with a raised eyebrow.

"Dude, it's not that bad a song"

_"I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run"_

"Yes. It. Is. It butchers Shakespeare!" I complained angrily.

Cartman looked confused "How?"

_"You'll be the prince"_

"The two idiots are supposed to DIE!"

_"and I'll be the princess"_

"… well maybe it's not about Romeo and Juliet" Cartman said slowly.

"… what do you mean?" it came out breathlessly. I have no idea why. Probably my nose was preventing proper breathing.

YES! REALLY!

_"It's a love story, baby just say yes"_

"W-ell," Cartman dragged out to my annoyance "Maybe it's just about two people who love each other and she just used the names Romeo and Juliet as an allegory to get listeners to register the love concept with her song." Weird. He knew the word allegory.

_"So I sneak out to the garden to see you"_

"But… but it said… Romeo and Juliet…" I faded out.

_"We keep quiet cause we're dead if they knew"_

Cartman snorted "Seriously, other than the names, WHAT about that song has to do with Romeo and Juliet? Both young sure, but Romeo never spoke to Juliet's dad, Juliet and Romeo never went anywhere together, Romeo didn't throw any pebbles, there's nothing. It's just… A Love Story"

_"So close your eyes"_

I stared. Wow. Uh… that… really never occurred to me before now. Really. That was a bit jarring.

_Escape this town for a little while_

"Okay… okay you're right" I muttered, flushing a little. Goddamn.

_Cause you were Romeo I was a scarlet letter_

"No duh. Besides, I kinda like this song" Cartman grinned. I glared.

_ "and my Daddy said "Stay away from Juliet!"_

"Well I still don't! It still pisses me off for some reason! But due to your goddamn logic now I don't have a decent excuse as to why!" I snapped. Cartman rolled his eyes and lean down to kiss me again. I let him. I didn't give a crap. It's like I said, no feeling whatsoever towards it. And I was leading him on too.

REALLY GODDAMNIT!

_But you were everything to me, I was begging you please don't go!_

And then… and then… w-why was I pushing Cartman on his back against the couch?! Oh God! Oh God Evalin stop! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

_And I said "Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone"_

I was… I was KISSING HIM?! No Evalin! B-bad! Oh geez… no, no, calm down. Be cool. There is a reason. Maybe… maybe I'm delusional. Due to illness. Yes. That is the reason. It… it has to be! Or I'm leading him on like Kyle! Yeah! Just like Kyle!

_I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run_

And Kyle standing there staring at us horrifically was a hallucination! Yeah!

_ You'll be the prince_

"E-Evalin?" Kyle gasped. I didn't stop. Had to be a hallucination. Oh God it had to be.

_And I'll be the princess_

"K-Kyle?" Cartman gasped as my lips drew back. My eyes flew open. They looked at Kyle.

_It's a love story_

"Oh. Fuck." I grimaced. Kyle had returned and looked completely deflated. We stared at each other, Kyle's eyes going slowly between mine and Cartman's "Um… I'd say I can explain… but I don't think I can"

_Baby just say yes_

"This… this isn't happening" Kyle whispered. I sneezed.

"EWW! GOD!" Cartman gasped. He'd gotten a face full "Evalin!"

"Well excuse my wretched illness fatass!" I snapped down at him.

_ Romeo save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel_

"You… but… C-Cartman…" Kyle's eyes looked like they were going to water. Damn it. Damn it Damn it Damn it! This has NEVER happened before!

_This love is difficult, but it's real!_

I have NO IDEA how to deal with this! This was detonating a bomb before I even tried to light the fuse! WHY?! I hadn't even got a chance to turn him against Stan! All I could get now was the Jew crying, that was IT!! DAMN DAMN DAMN!

_Don't be afraid we'll make it out of this mess_

Kyle did cry a bit, but mostly strangled sobs. Cartman seemed ecstatic but I was pissed.

_ It's a love story, baby just say yes_

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Your girlfriend likes me more then you!" Cartman laughed. I glared. So much for saving my ass. I fumbled the remote and managed to click the Swift Song off anyway. Thank God.

"NOT HELPING!" I growled.

"But it's… it's CARTMAN Evalin! How can you like HIM!?" Kyle demanded.

"I- I don't know, I-" I paused to think. I didn't like him. But he liked me. Kyle was upset but my payoff was lost. But… but what if I led Cartman on a while? Hadn't I just been doing that? I could break him… I just… I just needed time to figure out how. Yes, yes this could be my best challenge ever! "I just do"

Cartman raised an eyebrow, unsure what the hell I meant by that. I gave a small smirk his direction. Kyle's breathing came in strangled gasps.

"But… but… I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Kyle grabbed at his hat and seemed totally unable to comprehend anyone having the slightest attraction to the tub of lard currently positioned beneath me.

"Well maybe if you spy on us making out some more you'll have an epiphany!" Cartman snapped at the Jewish boy. He glared.

"Fine! Just- Just fine! I'm going!" Kyle shouted and strode out angrily. I sighed. That was nothing. I'd seen boys cry before. This was a failure. How utterly annoying.

I hate it when plans go awry. This was only the 4th time I'd failed at this game since I started breaking boys hearts, and two of those were only because my parents moved away before I could land the final blow properly.

Oh well. Best to salvage something. I turned my attention to the lard butt. We looked at each other.

"So… now what?" he asked.

"I don't know" I shrugged, but smiled suggestively "But I'm all for continuing what we were doing before that little interruption"

"… Awesome" was his reply.

*****

So that went on. For a while. A long while. We spent the whole rest of the day undisturbed. Of course this horrified me to wonder if the guests had torn down my chair barricade in this clearly long party. It has happened before, and some of my books still smell like piss. I only keep them so I know what I need new copies of.

Finally we ended up in his bed again. No, no obviously we didn't do anything like THAT. We ARE nine. Even if I read too much teen manga. Cartman only knows that kissing feels nice, he isn't getting erections over it. So that's not happening. I'm certain when I'm sixteen I can figure out a whole array of wonderful ways to break a man with more sexual means. I'm sure they exist. I can find them. At the moment I needed to figure out how to break a boy who knew everything about my manipulation. He said he didn't give a damn. Okay. That was a start, but now I needed to figure out how hard it would be to convince him I actually fell in love with him.

Because you see, I already thought perhaps I could stroke his ego and make him believe he was just that special. It could work, but the major problem was figuring out if he really believed I liked him or if he was faking. Unlike Kyle who was honest as fuck, this kid seemed to be able to lie through his teeth. A challenge, but one I could easily rise to. And after that I can off my parents and begin my life as a true bane on the existence of men. So exciting!

"Hey Evalin?" Cartman whispered.

"Mm hm?"

"You aren't plotting to try to get me to commit suicide like Kyle are you? Because there's no way I'd ever do that" Cartman snorted. I rolled my eyes. We'll see.

"No of course not. I know you wouldn't commit suicide. But maybe some tears…" I ventured a sideways glance at him. He looked annoyed.

"So all that making out meant nothing bitch?!"

I groaned "And you expected it to?" really. After all he knew about me he would trust me so easily now? What an egotistical fucktard. That isn't challenging at all.

Cartman sputtered "Well, you spend all this time with me when you could be making Kyle like you, you fucking made out with me and wrecked your plans for destroying said Jew; you're lying in my bed right now. And you mean to tell me you're planning on just breaking me like any other boy toy?"

I was irritated "Of course! You seriously think I'd change for you? Fat chance" Wait a second… what was I doing? This was alienating him, not drawing him in…

Cartman seemed to fall into an angry stupor for a while, but soon his forehead wrinkles smoothed a bit and he seemed to be pondering something.

"Okay" he said finally.

"Okay?"

"Yeah. Okay. You can try to break me if you want. But you'll fall in love with me first" Cartman grinned.

I scoffed "I could dump you right now"

"But you won't. I don't love you enough to be devastated enough for you"

I raised an eyebrow "Good point…"

Cartman smirked with a raised eyebrow. Wow. That looked… cool. Oh shit "Then the race is on. Whoever falls first is at the mercy of the other"

Interesting "So the game is manipulation… sounds good to me"

So we snuggled against each other and pressed our lips together to seal the deal and signal the start of the 'game'

But it meant nothing. I didn't feel anything for Eric Cartman. I think.


	8. So Yeah, Time For a Trigger Incident

**What Happens When the OC is Technically Evil: A Mary-Sue Gone Weird and Scary Fanfiction**

**Part The Eighth**

_((Joyful Note: I know it looks like we're leaning towards Cartman at the moment, but Kyle is coming back to redeem himself! He isn't going to lose to CARTMAN! Not without a fight anyway, perish the thought! Evalin could end up with either, or someone else or no one, there's no telling what's going to happen! I'm CRAZY like that! HAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!... yeah.))_

Cartman's mom came home Sunday morning, looking rather hung over but still attempted to make powdered donut pancake surprise. Cartman enjoyed it, I looked at it and passed. I didn't feel like instant cavities.

After breakfast I told Cartman I was going back to my house.

"What? Why?" he said with a frown.

I rolled my eyes "Because my school stuff is at home, and I want to check the damage on the house. My room _should_ be okay with the chair block, but I can't know for sure and I'm going to be paranoid over it until I check"

"But I want to watch Terrance and Phillip…" Cartman whined.

"Then WATCH Terrance and Phillip, you don't have to come!" I snapped, heading out of his house. It took about 3 seconds for him to come at a waddling run behind me.

"Bitch" he gasped as he fell into step beside me.

"Mm" I hummed as we continued along. We were going alright until Stan showed up walking straight for us. Fuck.

"So this was your big plan? String Kyle along and then go out with Cartman and crush him? Well he's at home staring at the ceiling of his bedroom oblivious to the world, I hope your fucking happy!" he screamed at me.

I sighed "Not as happy as I would've been if things hadn't been screwed up due to… complications…" I glanced at Cartman. He cackled.

"Well if she's not thrilled I'm fucking stoked. I have to go gloat at him! I'll catch up with you later bitch!" Cartman grinned and raced off in the direction of Kyle's house. Well maybe raced is pushing it…. But with his lovehandles it was probably as fast as he could go.

"Right…" I said with a sigh and looked tiredly at Stan "Well anyway. No, I'm not happy. I had not expected Kyle to find out about Cartman… hell I didn't expect anything with Cartman to begin with! I wanted to get to a point where I could crush Kyle so hard he'd commit suicide or at least attempt it but Nooooo"

"WHAT?!" Stan shrieked.

I nodded "Yeah. But then he had to be a dick and walk in on me losing my senses to a savage cold." I paused "Which seems to have suddenly vanished completely…" another pause "Now the only thing I can do to salvage the situation is to string Cartman along and break him as hard as I can manage. A challenge true but…. Ah well." I shrugged.

"You… you're… you're joking. You have to be" Stan said softly.

I rolled my eyes "Duh." Stan glared "Anyway, I'm going home. I hope you catch up to Cartman and stop him from gloating at Kyle, he might actually shock him out of his funk" I giggled a bit and left Stan standing in the snow.

When I reached my house and climbed in my window to unbar my door (no one had gotten inside, thank God) I tentatively entered the rest of my house to check the damage.

Well, aside from some naked people and some burns on the walls (not to mention a thick cloud of pot smoke and broken needles) the house seemed more or less okay. As I inspected the kitchen, I noticed a cupboard was ajar with an arm hanging out. I opened it and found the corpse of Kenny rolling out. Naked. Fantastic. I noticed some rats gnawing on his flesh.

"Great. An underage death. I hope to God it wasn't homicide, that's the last thing I need to deal with" I groaned and went for the fridge. As I was fishing around for something that wasn't spoiled, I noticed a weird glow coming from behind me. I jumped a bit and spun to see Kenny rising like Jesus on the crucifix with light pouring from his orifices. All of them. Yes. All. Then the body fell to the ground and the rats scattered. To my great surprise he coughed a bit and staggered to his feet.

"Goddamn alcohol poisoning…" he muttered holding his head. He looked down "CRAP! Where the hell's my clothes?!"

I raised an eyebrow "No idea, so what was with the light show just now? I thought you were dead."

Kenny noticed me, looked startled, and started looking around frantically for something to cover himself with. He ended up standing behind the cupboard door and laughing nervously "Oh, uh, I kinda was dead. I die a lot, but I can come back from the dead so it's all good"

"… right" I said flatly "Well anyway, that's party's over so I suggest you get out of here… I'm not sure it was your coat but I saw an orange thing in the living room that someone seemed to be using to clean up cum. That might be it"

Kenny frowned "Oh." He sighed, then smiled a bit "Your parents throw a hell of a party. So where'd you end up crashing last night?"

"Two nights ago actually" I smirked "And I was at Cartman's"

Kenny raised an eyebrow "Really?"

I sighed "Yeah… and Kyle and I broke up. I think I might be with Cartman now. I don't know"

Kenny didn't seem all too surprised surprisingly "Well you did seem more Cartman's type then Kyle's so it was only a matter of time. You say two nights ago? Fuck, I have to do homework" he groaned and once he was satisfied I was looking away (though I didn't understand the shyness) he hurried off to the living room, wrung out his coat the best he could and quickly left the premises. I sighed. Well that was that then. I went back up to my room. Cartman was already up there. He looked a bit put out.

"What's up?" I asked as I entered to see the fat boy laying on my bed and glaring at the ceiling.

"Kyle's seriously messed up. I couldn't even piss him off enough for him to yell at me!" Cartman growled.

"What a shame" I said flatly.

Cartman raised an eyebrow "You don't seem very sorry"

"No really? Oh how horrible, you know how I would never wish to cause any male emotional pain" I said with heavy sarcasism and sighed.

"… what?"

"I dunno. Still pissed at missing an opportunity for a suicide I guess. Oh well" I glanced at my door "Hey… what do you think are the odds we could move a bookcase from the basement to my room?"

"… how big of a bookcase?"

"Um, 6 shelves"

"Then the odds are no way am I helping with that"

"Yeah I guess not" I stared at the wall "So… what do you want to do now?"

Cartman shuffled about a little in apparent thought "um… wanna do something evil?"

I shrugged "I'm okay with that" I cocked my head to one side "How evil?"

Cartman grinned "Really evil!"

I mulled that over "Well… what about blowing up the pyramids?"

Cartman gave me a weirded out look "Huh? Uh… I thought maybe paintballing the school or something…"

I snorted "That's not evil. What, are you afraid?"

"Well, ah, NO!" Cartman snapped "It's just… I don't… I don't know why you'd want to blow up the pyramids. I mean, I don't have anything against them!"

I glared "Well there's the last of the ancient wonders still standing! I think it'd be good to bring about its end- besides. They've already been excavated and now they're just tourist attractions. It's a shame to the pharaohs who entombed themselves in them! It's a service to them to blow them up!"

"… bitch, that's too crazy, even for me" Cartman said deadpan. I was pissed.

"WELL THEN I'LL JUST DO IT MYSELF THEN!" I screamed and marched around my room to start packing things for my trip to Egypt. Cartman was staring.

"Y-you're not seriously…"

"I'm serious!" I growled and Cartman raised a questioning eyebrow. Then there was a ring from downstairs "Doorbell?" I raised my head and glanced back at Cartman as it rang again. I went for the door, jumping around the naked bodies. Cartman followed a ways behind. I opened it.

"Hey Evalin"

"Kyle?" this was unexpected. The red head's eyes were wet, but determined.

"Yeah. I want to know why you picked Cartman over me!" Kyle demanded. He seemed to have gotten over his funk and was now into anger.

I groaned "Well, I can't say I exactly chose him… and anyway he's being very uncooperative." I smirked a little "Bastard won't even help me blow up the pyramids."

Kyle gave the same weirded out look Cartman had "Huh?"

"Yeah, and the crazy bitch is fucking serious too" Cartman shook his head as he came up behind me.

Kyle stared for a second, then his eyes seemed to glint "Then if I help you blow up the pyramids… wait, like, the actual Egyptian pyramids?"

"Yeah…" I said slowly.

"Well if I help you blow them up or whatever, will you give me another chance?!"

I gaped a bit. Daaaaaamn. Didn't know the little ginger Jew had it in him! I actually sent him an impressed smirk.

"Well… maybe" I smirked. Cartman was gaping now.

"WHAT?!" the fat boy looked a bit miffed. Heh, understatement "WELL YOU GUYS AREN'T GOING TO EGYPT BY YOURSELVES! And Goddamn, can you even speak Egyptian?"

"… I'm not sure they speak Egyptian anymore…" I said carefully "But yeah, no."

"Well then you'll need a master of languages, such as myself, to go with you then won't you?" Cartman smirked.

"A master of languages?" Kyle asked looking skeptical.

"Of course!" Cartman snapped "I'm fluent in English, German and Mexican! I can learn whatever language those sand monkeys speak on the plane ride!"

"Sand monkeys huh?" I said dully, not bothering to mention Mexican was Spanish "Well whatever fatass, you can come, I did invite you first. Now just let me grab my parents' travelers cheques and maybe a credit card or two and we can head for the airport"

"… I still can't fucking believe you're serious about this bitch" Cartman said shaking his head as I re-entered my house and Kyle followed me in. he looked rather horrified at the level of wreckage inside but kept his yap shut about it at least. Thank God.

So after getting together anything I thought I might need, we left my house and headed off for Cartman's. He easily got his stuff packed and just told his mother he'd be gone for a while. She didn't seem very concerned. Kyle would be just a little tougher. His parents might ask a few questions. Not that I gave a crap if he got in trouble or not, but he seemed to, and it wasn't as if I were forcing him to come.

So he basically wove a story to his mother about going to Cartman's grandmother's again for Christmas as apparently it was getting to that time of year again without me noticing. Huh. And he said Kenny was coming. Then we went to Kenny's house and when he said he wouldn't go, he did promise to hide out at my house until we returned. My parents would basically assume I was in my room when Kenny moved around in there, so it really shouldn't be an issue. He could forage for poptarts while my parents were passed out.

So that was it then. I and the two guys I had been trying to break the hearts of were going to Egypt to blow up the pyramids. And both of them knew I was basically a mean spirited bitch now and neither seemed to really care.

My God my life is weird as hell. Wow.

So yeah, anyway, we three were dragging out suitcases to the bus that would bring us to the airport when a certain blue-hatted annoyance heaved his way towards us with a severely angry expression. Interesting.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS GOING?!" he demanded when he'd caught up.

"Well Stan, if you must know, we're going to Egypt" I smirked. He looked livid… then confused. He glanced at Kyle and Cartman.

"No, seriously, where are you going?" he asked his friends.

"Egypt" Kyle said seeming awkward.

Cartman snorted "Yeah, the bitch is going to blow up the pyramids and we're apparently helping"

My jaw dropped and I reached over and smack Cartman over the head.

"OW! WHAT THE FUCK!?" He screamed and Kyle giggled. Ah, the power of Schadenfreude.

"You can't tell people- we don't want anyone to know that's what we're doing! Damn it!" I walked up to Stan who looked a little wary. Rightly so as I grabbed at his beck and performed the Vulcan Nerve Pinch. I rarely used this technique, but goddamn it Stan wasn't messing this up for me! He collapsed and I caught him in my arms and handed him to an open mouthed Kyle, whose giggles at Cartman's pain seemed to be forgotten.

"Stan? STAN?!" he seemed to be edging on freaking out. I glared.

"Calm down okay? It's Cartman's fault for telling him. We're just going to have to take him with us, say he fell asleep or something. When we get to Egypt… well then we'll have to get him to keep quiet somehow. But I don't want to risk him being found. Cartman?" I turned to the fat boy.

"Erm, yeah?" he looked uneasy.

"If Stan starts stirring, tell me. I need to keep him knocked out. Now let's get to the bus stop!" I smiled.

"Wait wait wait, I didn't sign up with kidnap!" Kyle snapped.

I rolled my eyes and gave an exasperated expression "Kyle, it's too late now. You're either helping me, or you're ending up like Stan. I thought you wanted to prove yourself good enough for me? Then help me with this. I promise, the only harm that may come to Stan is that he inflicts on himself. Now is that alright?"

Kyle frowned and bit his lip "I still-"

Cartman chortled and put a chubby arm around my waist, I allowed it "I guess the Jew's too gay for his butt buddy to stop me from doing this either" he kissed me on the cheek.

"ASSHOLE!" Kyle screamed and dropped Stan as he lunged at Cartman. Huh. I flipped Stan over on his back so he wouldn't be breathing in snow. I watched Cartman and Kyle tussle briefly before I saw the bus arriving. I quickly grabbed my bag and flung it onto my back. Then I grabbed Stan's arms and flagged down the fighting two on the ground. Kyle reluctantly- but with a glare at Cartman and not me- grabbed Stan's legs and we quickly got onto the bus. The adventure had begun. How exciting.

*****

The bus driver did not seem to think much about bringing an unconscious child onto the bus. In retrospect, this should've been somewhat alarming for me. And come to think of it, his pupils did seem a bit dilated as well. And… I think I might've seen him in my parents' house before. That really was a bad thing.

"Holy shit, where'd this guy learn to drive?!" Kyle gasped and dry heaved as we swerved around the road. I had to agree that this wasn't fun. I and the few others on the bus (3 others besides me and the boys) were clinging to the poles near the seats, though Cartman seemed to be enjoying the ride. You'd think he was on a roller coaster. As for unconscious Stan… well he was okay I guess. We shoved him under the seats and jammed out suitcases around him so he wouldn't roll. Kyle would've held him up in a seat I think if the bus driver wasn't A FUCKING DRUGGIE PSYCHO!!

"I agree" Kyle nodded. Huh, did I scream that last part out loud? Oh well.

"Uh… uh oh" Cartman blinked as the bus turned a sharp corner and we all let out a scream as the bus flipped into the ditch.

"SHIIIIIT!!!!" I screamed, but landed to my fortune on something soft of the bus roof. Namely, Cartman.

"OUCH! GET OFF BITCH!" Cartman growled and pushed me off. Lucky for him I was still too disoriented to punch him for that.

"WATCH OUT YOU GUYS!" Kyle's voice came from my right and I looked up in time to notice the suitcases that had been keeping Stan under the seats dislodging. And falling. Thank God I covered my head.

"OUCH! SHIT! FUCK!" I cried as the suitcases tumbled on top of me. I pushed them off and turned an angry eye on Kyle for not warning me sooner. Then Stan came down.

Fuck.

But, I was out of anger now. Now I was just pissed off in silence. I buried my face my in arms and mumbled out "Kyle… please get Stan off my back"

"Oh, oh yeah" Kyle came over and yanked off Stan as Cartman continued the insane laughter he had been enjoying since the suitcases had fallen. For fuck's sake… "Okay, okay, grab your suitcases. Since apparently the druggie bus driver has stumbled off into the ditch and everyone else besides us has died-"

"No we're not…" grunted one man. The young couple at the back of the bus made noises of agreement.

I sighed "Okay, since the others of the bus were fatally wounded-"

"No, I think we're okay, I'm just a little bruised-" the lady sat up.

"Well your boyfriend had a stake through his lung!" Cartman snapped.

"No, that's nothing, this happens all the time, only a flesh wound" the boyfriend gasped.

"Jesus Christ" I muttered "Well whatever. Come on you guys, let's hitchhike to the airport then"

"With Stan unconscious? And isn't hitchhiking dangerous?" Kyle said sounding skeptical.

"No it's not Jew! I've hitchhiked loads of times!" Cartman snapped.

"As have I" I nodded to the fat ass "So let's go. Kyle, grab Stan." I ordered. He obeyed. I love it when people do as I say. It gives me all these warm fuzzy feelings inside.

The bus driver had opened the door to wander around in the open so we also easily disembarked. We went to the side of the road. NO cars in either direction. Great. Oh well. We put our suitcases on the ground and sat on them, Kyle propping Stan up against his.

Exactly 14 seconds later Cartman whined "Why aren't there any cars?!"

"Because no one ever wants to go to a piss assed mountain town like South Park, no one in your town has the money or the intelligence to function outside of your town so you never go anywhere, and people passing through your town are likely few. But I expect there's probably some, so we'll just wait. Unless you'd like to start walking in the direction of the airport, dragging our suitcases and unconcious Stan behind us...?"

"Hey… I think he's waking up!" Kyle said suddenly. Stan did appear to be stirring. I calmly walked over and pinche dhis neck again. He fell still.

"Hey!" Kyle gasped. I rolled my eyes.

"Look, if we just keep him out like this it'll feel just like he took a long, refreshing nap. On his head. Anyway, oh hang on, headlights!" I grinned and stood at the side of the road, sticking out my hitchhike thumb "Pity I don't have my towel, really" I giggled at my joke, knowning full well it was lost on the redneck boys and not giving a damn.

As the car got closer, I frowned. It was a limosine. Not only was this strange for me as I didn't expect limosines around a lame town like South Park, but limosines aren't known for taking hitchhikers.

But it pulled over.

And out came

Johnney Depp.

HA! I wish. Nope, it was just… Pip?

"Oh, hello chaps! Miss Evalin!" the British Bitch grinned.

Cartman's mouth was hanging open and he was making unintelligable sounds so Kyle asked the obvious question that I'll be leaving off on.

"Pip… why the #$% are you riding in a LIMO?!"


	9. Distractions, Refrences, Must Be England

**What Happens When the OC is Technically Evil: a Mary-Sue Gone Weird and Scary Fanfiction**

**Part the Ninth**

_((Joyful Note: I shouldn't be writing this you know. I should be doing my end of semester assignments. This is going to be the death of me. Oh woe. Oh well. Here it is, enjoy it. Evalin will continue her evilness and Pip will explain his presence. Yay))_

Pip smiled winningly at Kyle and replied to his question "Oh! Why am I in a limo you ask? Well it's quite the funny story! You see I-"

"Don't care" I pushed past the Brit into the limousine and leaned back on the cushions. Pip looked rather upset by my lack of curiosity.

"Oh, but it's quite the excellent story! You see I was just-"

"No, like, seriouslah, your faggy French accent is just making me want to punch you now Pip" Cartman snapped and got into the limo as well. Kyle shrugged and dragged Stan in.

"Go get our bags Pip!" I snapped and Pip looked shocked a moment, then hurriedly went to get them. I sighed. Once we were all settled in and the door was shut I told Pip he was to take us to the nearest international airport.

"Oh! That's perfect, as I was also heading for the airport!" Pip clapped "You see I was just called back to England, apparently my uncle whom I have never met has just died and I have to go to England to collect the money! Only there's a catch-"

"Okay, that explains the limo, shut up Pip" Kyle said, satisfied and getting annoyed with Pip's yammering.

"Oh, I see" Pip shifted in his seat a little "It's just the catch is that first I have to live in an apartment for a year with a boy I don't know and take care of my uncle's dogs, and I don't-"

"SHUT UP PIP!" the three of us shouted together.

"Righto" Pip slumped forward, unhappy. I rolled my eyes. It was sad really, I'd revel in his misery if he struck me as being the slightest bit masculine. I didn't mind making girls feel bad or whatever, but it didn't bring me the same joy that causing boy emotional trauma does. Any girl can be a bitch to other girls that is extremely easy. I don't enjoy easy things that much.

Anyway, we were back on the road for Egypt and blowing up the pyramids… I had really better start working out how we were going to actually do that when we got there.

*****

"I spy-"

"The road"

"AYE! I hadn't said anything yet bitch!"

"Was it the road?"

"Phht! No!"

"Really"

"Yes! Really!"

"Then what was it?"

"It was the sky!"

"I guess the sky"

"Y-you can't do that! I just told you what it was!"

"It's not my fault if you're stupid enough to tell me"

"Grr…." Cartman seemed pissed off at me. Nice. I glanced over at Kyle who was looking between the window and Stan's unconscious body. Pip was also looking at Stan's unconscious form, either wondering why he was unconscious or undressing him with his faggy British eyes. Either way I didn't give a crap, because Pip was simply a pointless means of reaching the airport and surely would have no further use or purpose in my life.

Why do I feel like I just jinxed myself…?

"Hey Evalin?"

"Yeah Kyle?"

"How are we actually going to blow up the OUCH! FUCK!" Kyle stared at me wide eyed, rubbing his head.

"Not in front of the Brit asshole!" I snapped, perhaps a bit harshly. Kyle blinked.

"Oh, yeah…" Kyle shifted uncomfortably.

"You're blowing something up?" Pip's eyes were wide now "Oh my goodness! I can't give rides to terrorists!"

"Oh great! See what you did Jew?!" Cartman snapped.

"SHUT UP CARTMAN!!!"

"WHAT ARE YOU BLOWING UP?!" Pip cried in horror and fear, looking rather freaked out.

I glared, knowing I'd have to knock him out either way now. Hopefully I could store him under a dumpster or something though "We're blowing up the pyramids. Now hold still"

"What, like, the Egyptian pyramids?" Pip said looking bewildered.

"Yes" I said rolling my eyes.

"Oh, oh jolly good! May I help you? That happens to be one of the conditions to myself inheriting my uncle's fortune, causing the destruction of the pyramids!" Pip grinned.

"… who the hell was your uncle?" I asked, but rhetorically. I didn't really care. One less unconscious body might be helpful "Okay sure, you can come"

"What?!" the fat ass looked pissed off. Interesting "I am NOT having more competition on this trip thank you very much!"

"Competition?" I scoffed "Hardly. I'm not a lesbian, not even for effeminate males"

"… right" Kyle muttered, then continued louder "Well anyway, how are we going to blow up the pyramids then?"

"Ah yes, I've been thinking about that" I said with a sigh "Just so you know, 'blow up' is sort of a vague term, I mean really any sort of destruction of them. As long as it sends them crumbling down. The reason they stand of course is because they are extremely well engineered, you can get a playing card between the stones. It's going to be quite the challenge. I think we might have to use some strong acid or something to create a fissure in it, add some various explosives, but our biggest problem may be creating a distraction big enough to remove all the people and guards from the vicinity long enough to plant the bomb, get the fucking hell away from it, and have it go off. I sort of wish we could have got Kenny to come with us as he would be excellent to use in a kamikaze mission"

"Yeah… hey, he knows about the pyramid thing, we didn't you bring him along?" Cartman asked in confusion.

"Um…" I blinked. Why didn't I bring him along? I-I supposed it was because having someone back home to cover for us might've been a good idea… "I doubt he'd tell" I replied finally.

"Oh" Cartman shrugged "Unless someone bribed him with a dollar or a can of cat food or something"

I rolled my eyes "He's not a _prawn_ fat ass"

Cartman looked a bit pissed for some reason "Okay now seriouslah, I thought we were going out now, quit called me fat ass! Jesus Christ…"

I frowned. Perhaps he had a point… that definitely wasn't going to get him to fall in love with me so I could break his heart. And neither insulting nor cozying up to him would help my Kyle situation. Why did I go on this expedition with two potential suicide victims?! I must me the stupidest sociopath ever. But I did really want to destroy the pyramids. I wasn't quite clear as to why… but it sounded like fun. Hmm…

"Oh, Miss Evalin?"

I groaned "What Pip?"

"I have a better idea! If you'd only come with me to England for a short while, I happen to know of a man who has been designing a machine that disintegrates only non-living materials in a rather large radius, if he gets it to work it will turn the pyramids to dust without harming any living creature!" Pip said happily.

"Except the ones who drown in the dust" I said flatly, but I was interested none the less "Can it be detonated remotely, or on a timer?"

Pip looked a bit sheepish "W-well I'm not sure. But I think we ought to check it out…"

Kyle bit his lip "Well… that sounds okay with me. I mean, Evalin's got plenty of money to get to England and then Egypt, and this sounds like a safer method"

"Fuck that! I don't want to go to Britain with all the faggy French people!" Cartman snapped.

I groaned "Cartman. You are a dumbass. French people are from France"

"Oh really?" Cartman said with a smirk "Then why were there Frenchmen in castles in Monty Python and the Holy Grail?"

My mouth opened and shut. He had me there. I sighed.

"Perhaps. But I'm going to England, apparently so is Kyle and we're bringing Stan. So if you'd prefer to be left behind…" I trailed off. Cartman looked at me for a long time.

"You know what? I do want to be left behind." He looked at Pip "Stop the limo Limey! I'll hitchhike back or call my mom or something, I'm not going to a faggy city like England, especially not with this French dildo" he looked pointedly at Pip.

"Oh, well, I suppose I understand…" Pip said nervously and opened the divider between the front and back of the limo to get the driver to pull over.

I was shocked. He was going to leave me with KYLE?! What the HELL?! "Wha- but- you-" I hate surprises like this. When he got out I followed him, assuring Kyle I'd be right back. I grabbed Cartman's shoulder and hissed "What the hell?! You're seriously going to leave me with Kyle? I thought we were in a competition!"  
"We are" Cartman replied smugly "But I happen to know you only want to get close to Kyle in order to destroy him completely, which is what I want. And also, maybe after being surrounded by the Jew and the Frenchie long enough you'll start to miss me. And this" He leaned forward and kissed my lips before turning and leaving. I stared. I touched my mouth and stared. That was… smart. Very smart actually. Especially coming from _Cartman_ of all people. I'd call it out of character except it could be related to manipulation. So. Cartman had left my team to destroy the pyramids. Bastard. I returned to the limousine.

*****

At the airport, we quickly bought tickets for Pip's flight, courtesy of Pip actually although it seemed the first class seating was all booked and Kyle and I would have to travel 2nd. I wasn't that disappointed, it really didn't matter too much and Kyle seemed glad to be out of Pip's cheerful presence anyway. We'd both had to deal with Pip smiling and chattering nonstop since we entered the airport and since the flight was late reaching the terminal I was rather close to throttling him myself. But lucky for him I didn't get that far. I didn`t care if he was kind enough to fund our tickets to England with his newfound riches, it didn`t make him any less useless or annoying. And don't get me started on the security measures. Not only were they invasive, but they confiscated my nail clippers. Seriously, who could hold up a plan with nail clippers? Oh well, although I hoped Pip's friend's invention would be able to bypass airline security.

The plan flight was dull, even though this was an expensive flight with individual touch screen TVs on the back of every seat. The movies were all ones I'd seen already or I had no interest in whatsoever. Not to mention the sky got progressively darker until they handed out pillows and the plan lights went off. I was glad for the window seat; it gave me something to lean against. However after being in a dull doze for about 30 minutes Kyle's headed fell over onto my shoulder. I tensed up when it landed, but slowly relaxed when I realized he was just asleep. Well… that was alright then wasn't it? I would be distancing myself to push him off me. I smirked a little and used my other hand to stroke his ugly green hat for a bit before settling down again, thinking how good it would be to be able to shake off the useless British brat.

Then I reached into my front pocket to check for my traveler`s cheque book and money. My eyes widened. I checked the other pocket. I always kept my money there. No. It couldn`t be, no one was close enough to me to take it, could it have fallen out without me noticing? I thought back, when had I last checked if it was in there? Maybe just after the bus crash… and then we were in the limo, then Cartman got out and kissed me and held me close and-

Oh that sneaky son of a bitch. No. Effing. Way.

"CARTMAN I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" I screamed and Kyle jolted awake, along with many people around us, many of whom began panicking, believing there was a terrorist on board or something.

"What's wrong?" Kyle asked in shock.

"Cartman stole my cash! Asshole! Now we _do_ actually need Pip! Fuck!" I snapped and folded my arms in anger. Kyle blinked.

"Um… well he has to do this anyway right? So that shouldn't be a problem…"

"I know. I just find him annoying" I frowned and retrieved my Death Note manga volume 3 from my carry-on. No way was I going to be able to sleep seething like this as the passengers worked to calm down again. Why hadn't the flight attendants shown up?

"Yeah… and goddamn, I didn't think Cartman would still from _you_… but I guess I should really expect anything from that asshole" Kyle glared. Then sighed "Are you sure Stan'll be alright inside that dog carrier? You only covered him in shaggy carpet and stuffed toy fur from the airport gift shop…"

"He'll be fine Kyle" I rolled my eyes "I used some proper knock-out alcohol on him before I put him in there, he'll stay unconscious"

"That's not what I mean!" Kyle snapped "I mean what if someone finds him out-"

"They won't. Trust me, people are very, very stupid." I said with a wry smile. Kyle looked uncertain about this. I put a reassuring arm around him "Really, it'll be okay."

"I still don't know why you want to… to do what we're going to do" Kyle had apparently learned his lesson about talking out loud. Good.

"To be honest, I'm not quite sure either. But it sounds like the thing to do, and by the sounds of it, if we didn't try it Pip would anyway so why not be part of it now?" I smiled my best impression of a warm smile and Kyle bought it.

"Yeah… yeah I guess. It feels sort of weird though, usually I'd be trying to stop something like this, not helping it"

"I sort of got that vibe around you, that's why I was surprised you volunteered to help me. I'm even more surprised you stuck around when Cartman left. It's almost as if you sort of _want_ to do this"

Kyle laughed a bit, quietly "Maybe I do, I mean, maybe causing a little mayhem would be okay, just once."

"We'd be causing more than a little. Now that I think about it we're probably lucky Pip's going to fund us, that way if we're found out Britain could be drawn into war with Egypt, not us."

"War?!"

"Shh! It's fine, we won't get caught" I said clapping my other hand over the Jew's mouth "It. Will. Be. Fine."

"… I guess" Kyle yawned then, and I leaned back against the window and turned on the overhead light for my manga. Kyle looked over my shoulder curiously "So what's that about?"

"Hmm? Oh, it's about this kid Light Yagami, he finds a notebook owned by a death god that kills whoever's name is written in it as long as the person's face is pictured in your mind when you write it. He uses it to kill criminals and gains the alias Kira while a world famous secretive detective known at L tries to find out who Kira is and bring him to justice. It's really original actually, and cool." I smiled a true warm smile at it. Most of my true smiles seemed to be reserved for malicious acts and reading material.

"Oh, hey, maybe I could borrow it when we get back?" Kyle suggested. This surprised me. I didn't lend out books though.

"No, no offense, but I'm not a library" I said sharply.

"I see" Kyle sighed, and I think read over my shoulder as I worked through Death Note 3 and went on to Death Note 4 where Misa Amane is introduced. I decided I hated her and wanted her to die. Hopefully she would.

*****

We landed in England. Once we'd gotten out of the plane Kyle threw up, sighting jet lag as the cause. I personally would've said the airplane breakfast if it had been more than a muffin and yogurt. Seriously. Who has a muffin and yogurt for breakfast? It could at LEAST have been things that go together but nooooo, it's like those cereal ads where they say 'part of this balanced breakfast' when they KNOW it's the only thing the kid is eating, none of this fruit juice and bananas and toast and crap. Absolutely ridiculous. Anyway. We got Stan in the dog carrier out of the luggage pick up easily enough. The bag check guy said he was cute and tried to give him a dog biscuit. He stayed asleep though. I had to watch closely to make sure he was still breathing.

Maybe I could leave him in England somewhere…

"Oh, it feels so glorious to be in my own country again!" Pip said with a wide grin as we left the terminal and hailed a cabbie. Stan was set up unconscious leaning against the window. I was on the other window, Kyle was in the middle, and Pip was in the front with the cabbie. Pip turned to us "Now remember, in England people are a bit crazier to you Americans then you're used to but-"

Kyle interrupted "Holy crap, there's a gang of old ladies beating up some teenagers!"

Pip nodded "Yes, and be sure to beware of vicious gangs of 'Keep Left' signs as well"

The cabbie was at a red light and a man in a military uniform shoved his head in Pip's open window "Now stop that, this is getting far too silly!"

"AH!" Pip yelled as the cabbie jolted forward and the military man's head was ripped off. Pip chucked it out the window and turned back to us again "Um, yes Britain is a little strange…"

"Luckily we're only here briefly" I said as we pulled up in front of a rather large and imposing mansion.

"AH yes! This is where my uncle used to live! I will inherit this if I live in a dingy apartment with a boy I don't know for a year! But for now we have to visit it so I get my full instructions and then we can see my friend Charlie who's been inventing that machine I was telling you about!" Pip smiled "He lives in a chocolate factory!"

I stared at Pip. I stared and stared. Then I looked at Kyle. He blinked.

"Evalin" Kyle said finally "I think I want to go home now"

I shook my head "Too late for that now buddy"

"Sng- w-where am I?" Stan snorted.

"Oh shit" I leaned over and pinched him again. His head fell forward.

"You really should stop doing that" Kyle said with a look of annoyance.

"Why?" I asked innocently.

"Because maybe Stan would help out! Or at least he probably couldn't stop us, we're in England, and I don't think he's eaten in nearly a day now…"

I bit my lip "Point taken… alright next time he stirs I'll let him wake up and eat something. But if he gets too annoying he's going back under the pinch, deal?" I put out my hand.

"Deal" Kyle nodded and shook my hand. Excellent. We got out of the taxi, retrieved our bags and headed for the front door. Kyle and I were carrying Stan obviously. We worked our way to the front door and Pip rang the doorbell. A few moments later it opened to revel a butler so tall he'd give Lurch a bit of a run for his money I should think.

"Grr…." He sounded like Lurch too. But he was sort of a yellowish colour. I blinked.

"If you're Frankenstein's monster, I should probably warn you that you're not actually British and therefore this reference will be null and void" I said honestly. He growled at me again and then a little bald roly-poly sort of man came up behind him.

"Out of the way, out of the way Gary! Scoot!" the little round man sent the monster-butler guy back a few paces "Yes dear, I realise he's not British, I had him imported."

"Wow" Pip grinned "Does he come with the mansion as well?"

"No" said the round man "He's mine personally. Now then, as executor of your uncle's estate, as I am probably right in assuming you are Phillip Pirrup also known as Pip, I suggest you enter quickly as we have much to discuss!"

Pip entered rather joyously and Kyle and I looked at each other before entering after him. The fat man hadn't made one word of notice towards Stan being unconscious. Ultimately that probably saved time in explanations, but you'd think he would've wondered. Huh.

We walked down echoey hallways and eventually reached the room I took for the library, mostly because it was filled with books and squishy armchairs. I love squishy armchairs. But after sinking into one, I couldn't help but feel as though my ultimate plan of causing boys to commit suicide was falling by the wayside at the moment. Well THAT wasn't happening. I got up, walked over to the chair Kyle was sitting in, and sat in his lap.

"Ah! Uh, um, w-what are you doing Evalin?" Kyle looked freaked out and was blushing. I softly kissed his cheek.

"I felt more comfortable over here, is that a problem?" I asked sweetly.

"N-no not at all!" The Jew's facial hue rouged dramatically. Good. I knew I could head for two goals at once.

_((Joyful Note: Oh no. I should've known if I sent them to England I'd start referencing things. Well don't worry, they'll probably reach Egypt eventually… probably. And hell, Cartman might come back, or might not. Really I don't know, I just write the adventures. They live them. And Lords knows I don't have any control over their actions. Sorry.))_


	10. Seriously, I Need To Get To Egypt Now

**What Happens When the OC is Technically Evil: a Mary-Sue Gone Weird and Scary Fanfiction**

**Part the Tenth**

_((Joyful Note: Alright. So here we are again, part the tenth. I have no idea how long this is going to get, no idea when I'll do my Stenny Story I've been planning, no idea if I should write stories on here for other fandoms. But here I am again. For Evalin. Whom I am both surprised and amused is being referred to as 'Evilin' in my reviews to this story. I understand why she could be called Evilin, though Evalin is already an anagram of 'An Evil'. Oh well, I hope you enjoy this))_

I sat in Kyle's lap with Pip in the chair next to us and Stan still collapsed in a coma state on the floor. The roly poly man in front of us seemed to be addressing the Brit.

"I am Mr. Eugene Wyfurdensherbertmanheiser, executor of your uncle's estate." The man said with a smile. I made a mental note to refer to him in my head as 'Bob' so as not to have to remember such an unnecessarily long name. Just seemed like the easier route to me "Mr. Pirrup, I assume you received the list of instructions you must carry out before the bulk of your uncle's assets may be transferred to you?"

"Oh, yes indeed! In fact, I was already planning on completely item one hundred and thirty six!" Pip said happily.

"One hundred and thirty six?" I questioned with a scoff "How many things to you have to do to get this estate?"

"Well, I counted the numbers, but they aren't in any sort of order, I believe there's only one hundred and eleven items but some of them are numbered higher then that. In fact, one paper in the list is basically a really long string of digits with a nopte tacked on the end telling me I have to name my first dog Scruffy the fifteenth." Pip said with a small laugh.

"Yes… your uncle was a bit eccentric" Bob admitted "Well anyway, I wish you luck with the item you're working on, but I know you'll be interested in the nature of your apartment and the young man you'll be staying with"

From the floor, Stan snorted. That was weird, maybe I hadn't pinched him quite right earlier, he was coming to. I went to go toward him, but Kyle grabbed my arm.

"Remember you said he could wake up this time!" the Jew reminded me sharply. I rolled my eyes.

"Okay, but you're the one explaining things to him"

Stan's eyes opened blearily. He sat up and looked around in a confused daze, until his eyes settled on Kyle with me in his lap. The blue hatted boy glared.

"WHAT THE HELL EVALIN?!" he screamed in a rather unbecoming manner "YOU JUST WENT AND KNOCKED ME UNCONCIOUS- WHERE THE HELL AM I?!"

I looked at Kyle "Have fun" I jumped out of his lap and went over to stand by Pip as Stan looked from me to Kyle and then stood up to seethe at his friend who seemed to look sorry at Stan's rage.

"Look, Evalin just thought you'd stop us so she knocked you out- we're in England by the way" Kyle said uncomfortably.

Stan's jaw dropped "W-what? England? But- I was unconscious how-?"

"Evalin kind of… well she glued some carpet to you and shoved you in a dog carrier." Kyle scratched at him arm awkwardly as Stan continued to gape.

"And you… you LET HER DO THIS?!"

"Um…" Kyle grimaced "I'm… I'm sorry?"

"THAT DOESN'T HELP ME GET HOME DOES IT!" He shrieked, but seeing as no one was really arguing with him he quieted down to my surprise "W-well anyway… where's Cartman? He was with you guys right?"

"He left" I said with a glare at the floor "And… and he kind of stole my cash. Bastard" I added in a mutter.

Stan snorted "Serves you right bitch" huh. Didn't have the same ring as when Cartman called me that.

"Whatever" I shrugged calmly "In any case, we're still going to blow up the pyramids. Pip is going to help fund us as it happens to be on his to do list as well coincidently. So you may either help us in which case I suggest you calm down, you can decide to turn us in in which case you'll find yourself unconscious again and possibly lying in an undisclosed location until we've finsihed the task, or you can decide to take no part in this and not turn us in in which case I'm sure Pip will send you home and Kyle and myself will easily see the pyramids taken care of without you, so which shall it be?"

Stan whirled on my and was back to glaring, but also seemed to consider my propsed options "Well… I would just go home but…" he took a deep breath "But I'm not going to leave Kyle alone with a whoring bitch like you. I'm in"

"Oh jolly good!"

"Shut up Pip" I hissed and then smirked at Stan, unfazed by his attempt at insulting me "Okay, sure. I have no problem with an extra set of hands. So Mr. Whatsyourface, you can tell Pip whatever he needs to know and we can get on our way, right"

"Oh, ah, yes" Bob said with a slight frown "Well, I'm certain your friends are not needed to show you your quarters, so how about we set them up in these rooms for the night and leave them to their own devices?"

I thought about it. I could get out into England and explore it on my own, giving lots of time to make Kyle fall in complete love with me and torture Stan mercilessly with it. Sounded like a fun time.

"Sure, sounds good" I smiled and jump out of Kyle's lap, putting my hand out to take his. Stan looks murderous. I smile wider "We'll meet you back in front of this house in four horus then? I expect that's ample time…"

"Oh, certainly!" Pip gives his enthusiastic agreement and I take the two South Park bred boys out of the mansion and into the British streets, just in time to see a man in a long purple robe duck into a rather sketchy looking shop with what looked like potions brewing in the windows.

"Weirdos" I shake my head and we begin to hail for a cabbie when I remembered my lack of current funds. Damn it. Why did this have to be so damn hard, I was used to having money always at my disposal! "Well, we have no pounds to speak of, so do either of you know of anything we could do in England without money?"

Kyle frowned "Um… we could just sort of wander around… I can't think of anything else"

Stan wasn't paying attention. He hadn't had a chance to condition himself to the weirdness of England on the ride up to the mansion, so he was staring at the giant hedgehog poking over the buildings.

"Dims dale?"  
"I'm not the only one seeing that right?" Stan blinked "How much knock out stuff did you _use_ on me?!"

I rolled my eyes "It's just England. You'll get over it." I sighed "Maybe we can find a park or something. I seriously need a swing set. My nine year old genes are kicking in"

"Oh?" Kyle looked surprised. I flashed a smirk.

"What? I know I'm a manipulative, evil mastermind of chaos and misery, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a good swing set."

"Yeah, well…" Stan looked a little uncertain when suddenly an extremely long, bright purple limosine pulled up in front of them. A young man with bright blond hair and a big purple top hat, tail coat and cane came out with a huge grin.

Kyle looked wide eyed "I didn't know England had pimps"

"Everywhere has pimps, idiot" I muttered but I don't think he heard me.

"Hello children!" the purple man grinned "Do you want to see my chocolate factory?"

"Uh, no" Kyle blinked.

"Oh come on, it'll be fun!" the purple man said energetically.

I paused a moment, remembering what Pip had said about his 'friend' "Are you Charlie?"

"Huh? Oh, yes I am!" he grinned "I wasn't always like this, I was once dirt poor! But then I started working in the chocolate factory and the fumes made me HAPPY ALL THE TIME!! Plus the sugar may have also helped…"

"Right" Stan's eyelids drooped "Come on Kyle, I suggest we go"

"No hang on a second" I said putting my hand up to stop the Jew following his friend "So. Charlie. I hear you've been developing a machine that turns to dust any non-organic matter in a rather large area?"

Charlie stared "Well yes, yes in fact I am! But I wonder how _you_ young American children know about it!"

"We're um… friends… of Pip Pirrup? He told us about it. Would you mind explaining further?" I asked.

"Of course! I'll even show you… back at my CHOCOLATE FACTORY!" he screamed with glee. I looked uneasily back at Stan and Kyle who were both shaking their heads rather hard. I understood their apprehension of course, but I still needed to get my hands on this machine if I was to complete my whole destroy the pyramids idea.

"Sure, I take it you'll let us ride in your limo?" I said with a smile and Charlie nodded happily.

"Of course! Get in! Get in!" he gestured to the open door enthusiastically.

"Uh, Evalin, I'm not so sure that's a good idea…" Kyle said with a frown.

"Then don't come" I shrugged "You know where to meet me later. I don't really care if it's a good idea or not, I have to see this machine" I got inside. After a loud argument between Stan and Kyle outside which I paid little attention to, they also joined me "Glad to see you come around" I smirked.

"I'm not letting you go alone" Kyle said sternly.

"And I'm not leaving Kyle alone with you" Stan said stubbornly.

"Yay! I love making new friends!" Charlie squealed. Huh.

"Well I appreciate the company of sane persons I assure you" I sighed, wondering if maybe, just maybe, this was going to be a mistake.

*****

"Here it is!" Charlie said proudly, pulling away the drapery.

"Um…" Kyle looked at it with a frown.

"Why does it look like a stuffed rabbit?" Stan asked raising an eyebrow.

"That way it can sneak past airplane security!" Charlie grinned.

"Clever." I nodded. Most people wouldn't scan a nine-year-old girl's stuffed rabbit "But does it contain metal?"

"No, it runs on candy!"

"… I'm not going to ask how that works." I sighed "So when it goes off, would it vaporize itself as well then?"

"Well of course! It's not an alive rabbit! But I will give you a demonstration with my Teddy Bear model! Hurry to the Great Glass Elevator Mark II! It has a hot chocolate machine! Woo!"

"Um… okay" I, Stan and Kyle followed Charlie to his elevator and I'm sorry to say even I screamed when it took off. Seriously, these speeds MUST be illegal. Well… this was England. I wouldn't be surprised if it was considered perfectly safe here.

As we went we passed large mountains of rock candy, strange machines spewing fumes, but mostly I just tried to hold down my airplane food. Damn that seemed an age ago.

"Here we are!" Charlie exclaimed as we came to a sudden halt, which threw Stan into the hot chocolate maker and caused him to be drenched in hot sticky liquid. I laughed of course, but weakly. I didn't want to hurl, so I would keep my mouth shut if at all possible.

"Urg…" Kyle groaned "This is so not worth what we're doing… why did I agree to this again?"

"So I wouldn't go with Cartman? To make me fall in love with you again?" I smiled a little "Cause I think it's working…" I leaned over to kiss him, but I topped too far and fell, letting loose a stream of green over the elevator floor. Oh. Damn. It.

"Oh my God are you okay?!" Kyle gasped and tried to help me up.

"Oh, oh dear" Charlie suddenly looked concerned and saner then he had before "Um, would you like me to send you to the infirmary?"  
"No, no that's fine" I grunted and struggled to my feet with Kyle's help. Meanwhile Stan was still lying in a puddle of scotching liquid in a corner, crying about wanting to go on. God, what a _child._ Though he WAS nine… whatever "So let's see this demonstration!"

"Certainly!" Charlie was smiling again and took the three of us (Stan sopping and swearing under his breath) onto a rather large platform over a rather deep hole. In the center of this deep hole, stood a face with an orange face holding a teddy bear "This will show how it only destroys non-organic matter! The oompa loompa will demonstrate for us. GO!" he shouted and the orange faced man pushed a button on the bear's eye. There was a flash of light and went they were able to see again, the pit was about 30ft. deeper, with dust covering the bottom. The Oompa Loompa lay on the dust with wide eyes, and it was naked, and its hair and fingernails were singed but it was clearly unharmed for the most part. And it looked rather relieved at that.

"Perfect" I nodded "We'll take the rabbit"

Charlie stared "You'll take- oh no little girl! It's not for sale!"

"It's for Pip, he needs it for his list thing" I said blandly.

"Oh" Charlie seemed to think about it for a moment "Well… alright. For Pip. Just be sure to bring it straight to him!"

"We will." I glanced at Stan and Kyle "Do you have a towel and a change of clothes for Stan by the way? He looks a bit… uncomfortable"

"I'M COVERED IN 1ST DEGREE BURNS!"

"Yes, and some ice I suppose?" I asked Charlie.

"TO THE ICE CREAM ROOM!" Charlie cheered and ran into the elevator again. Oh. Good.

*

One dip in a vat of chocolate ice cream later, Stan was shivering but in a new set of clothes at least. They were green. He wasn't impressed, and his hair was still sticky, but he smelled heavenly so I didn't give a damn. We were dropped off in front of the mansion form earlier just as Pip was returning with Bob.

"So we have Charlie's machine. Can we go to Egypt now?" Kyle sighed, apparently getting tired of England. We had passed some cat reading a map on the way over here and he was thoroughly done with the place.

"Oh!" Pip gasped, eyeing the bunny I was holding "Well yes, I suppose we should, but dear me! Stan looks a wreck, should we not clean ourselves up and rest a bit first? Mr. Wyfurdensherbertmanheiser says we can stay at the mansion just for tonight and then when I return from Egypt I must start living in a dingy apartment with my roommate Pocket! He's a lovely chap I must say, though he certainly talks a lot"

"Yeah" I said with a frown, but I had to admit, even I was starting to feel a bit sleepy "Okay fine. Stan can get a shower, we can some food and some sleep, then we'll go to Egypt. Sounds like a plan. Let's do it"

"Oh thank God" Kyle moaned, as if he was afraid I would insist on another plane ride so soon. I smirked and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He was cute when he was exhausted. Cute, and oh so vulnerable. I would break him yet. As for Stan, he looked livid. The world was good, and tomorrow it would be one monument of the ancient era short.

Life was going well. I wondered vaguely how Cartman was doing.

_((Joyful Note: I know. Forever since an update, but exams are over. I need to get these people OUT of England. I can't do references forever. I don't even want to explain much about it since I'm so tired. Johnny Depp may infiltrate this story somewhere sure, but not until the end of the Blow Up The Pyramids arc I think. Anyway, I think I've made much better, longer parts than this, but I just had to move this damn plot along. Why did I make a plot device? I should've just left them in South Park where shenanigans were easier to come by. Ne, I'll get over it. Next part may improve things. I hope.))_


	11. Oh Good, Spontaneous Uneasiness

**What Happens When the OC is Technically Evil: a Mary-Sue Gone Weird and Scary Fanfiction**

**Part the Eleventh**

It took me a minute, upon waking up in a large bed with a green bedspread and bed curtains, to recall where the hell I was. It did come to me after a minute though. I was in England, in a mansion, the morning before I was to blow up the pyramids whilst in the midst of trying to make a boy fall in love with me so I could get him to commit suicide in order to devastate his friend. Hmm… I had a lot on my plate. Not to mention when I returned triumphantly to South Park I'd have to get my revenge on Cartman for stealing my traveler's cheques. What an asshole. This is mind; I climbed out of bed and headed for my suitcase for a fresh set of clothes. I did of course have yesterday's outfit properly washed during my shower last night as I didn't know when I would next have a chance to. I also grabbed the rabbit doll, since I did not want to let it out of my sight. Maids would bring the rest of my luggage downstairs later.

Exiting my room I discovered that Kyle was leaving his room a few down from mine at the same moment. I smiled at him and he blushed back.

"Oh, um, good morning Evalin!" Kyle laughed nervously; "Just, just give me a second!" he dashed back into his room. "I'll meet you downstairs!"

I cocked my head to one side. "Um… okay?" That was a little odd, but I decided to ignore it for now and headed for the dining room to get some breakfast. When I got down there, Pip was already happily enjoying pancakes.

"Oh, Miss Evalin! Good day! How was your sleep?" Pip asked cheerily. He was lucky I wasn't in a bad mood or I would've punched him for that. But I wasn't, I was feeling pretty good actually. Everything was going right on schedule.

"Oh, it was great," I flashed a grin. "So it's pancakes for breakfast then?"

"Actually, it's really whatever you want! The cook is excellent! I can't wait to live here in a year!" Pip said excitedly.

"Whatever huh?" I closed my eyes and thought about it. "I guess cereal's fine then. I don't want to eat too much and get sick on the plane."

"Oh, oh yes. Maybe I should have thought of that," Pip looked uncertainly at his half finished pancakes.

"Well whatever, if you British can eat haggis you can survive a plane fight without using the vomit bag," I shrugged.

"What? No, no, it's the Scottish who eat haggis. Quite frankly, we Brits find the Scots to be a little… odd," Pip admitted, "though not so much as the Irish."

"I really could care less," I muttered as I was served cereal which I immediately made fuel of. Then Kyle and Stan entered the room, quickly pulling up seats next to the table. Strangely diagonal from me as opposed to beside or across.

"Oh, hi Evalin," Kyle laughed uneasily. I narrowed my eyes.

"Why are you over there?"

"Um…" Kyle glanced at Stan. He shrugged. Kyle sighed, "No reason."

I cocked an eyebrow up skeptically, but decided to let it go for now. I touched the explosive rabbit absently to be sure I still had it. "Well eat breakfast then. The plane leaves at 1pm, and we have to get to the airport."

"Totally," Kyle nodded in agreement. I still found it odd he was sitting so far away though. He'd seemed off all morning… though he was probably just tired. I can hardly imagine what else it could be.

*****

A few hours later we were finally on the plane to Egypt. All I can say is that it took FOREVER. The rabbit obviously when through security with no questions asked but the plane was delayed because APPARENTLY someone tried to sneak a bomb onboard. It was really annoying. Such an amateurish job too. Probably a good thing I didn't die though. Who else was going to blow up the pyramids? I hardly thought Pip could get the job done even if he survived. Bloody idiot, that's what he was. He was skipping about the airport as if we were off on a trip to Disney World, not to do a very important service to my deranged psyche.

I'm still a bit concerned though, Kyle remains sort of… distant. I kissed him on the cheek but he almost seemed to hesitate before smiling. It was really strange. Also, I caught Stan giving me something of a triumphant glance too. I thought perhaps it was because Kyle seemed so distant with me, but it seemed too smug to be just that, so what on earth was going on with them? I would question it, but I had other, more important matters on my mind. For example, how were we going to get out of Egypt quickly after the destruction? It would be certain to cause some kind of panic, perhaps even a lockdown of the airports. We'd either have to hide until the heat dies down, or else get Pip to charter a small, private plane. Both plans were risky. I was racking my brain for another option. No time to wonder about my current love interest at the moment.

The plane ride, once we were on it, was rather uneventful. Long story short, I still got to sit next to Kyle while Stan sat with Pip, but Kyle stared out the window and didn't say much. This was alright with me; I had to think of our escape plan. Perhaps I should've taken this time to question Kyle on his silence, but I did not.

When we got off the plane in the Cairo International Airport, we went through customs and again the rabbit got through as I expected it would. What I didn't expect was that when we headed to get our luggage off the carousel, there was a familiar face smirking at us with our suitcases at his feet. Also unexpected was the jolt that went through my chest when I saw him.

"Cartman?" Kyle spoke up properly for the first time since the plane took off. Stan and Pip looked equally surprised. I, on the other hand, was rather angry.

"YOU ASSHOLE!" I screeched, running at him as his eyes widened and he backed up a step. "YOU STOLE MY TRAVELLER'S CHEQUES! I'VE HAD TO MOOCH OFF THIS STUPID LIMEY BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"Oh dear," Pip frowned.

"Woah! Calm down bitch!" Cartman held up his fat hands and he actually seemed a little scared of my rage. "I came back didn't I? And I still have a few left, here."

He handed me a handful of the cheques, but it was only about a third of what I took from my parents. I glared as I questioned what had happened to the rest as I stuffed the ones left in my pockets and zippered them in.

"Well," Cartman straightened his shirt, "If you must know, I've been a little busy."

"Oh really? Doing what pray tell?" I cocked an eyebrow.

Cartman got his face up next to my ear, his warm breath was really irritating as he told me, "I've planted bombs in all the pyramids already to remotely detonate in seven hours. I also have two tickets back to America by plane."

My jaw dropped. I drew back quickly from Cartman and stared at him for a good thirty seconds as he just stood there and smirked.

"Evalin? What did he say?" Kyle came up behind me and gently touched my shoulder. I jolted and shook my head.

"He uh, he said..." I cocked my head to one side at the fat ass. "Like... seriously?"

"I am seriously," Cartman nodded, looking very badass as he did so. Woah. I never expected this. Well, how could I? Though this did mean...

"Crap! Now I got this damn rabbit through security twice for nothing!" I spat and in my annoyance threw it to the ground. In that second my eyes widened and I gasped as it landed on the detonator button. "Shi-"

The flash was blinding, the screams were deafening as the airport vanished around us.

Luckily we only really had thin roof dust on us when we crawled groaning out of the pile beneath us. I was buried to my waist still when I noticed how deep the crater was. Around me was a sea of sand that people were desperately trying to crawl out of. The first part of my companions that I saw was Pip, his head poking up and I heard gasps for air. I was suddenly gripped by a rather deep seated excitement. I managed to dig my way out and crawl towards him. His face brightened.

"Oh, Miss Evalin! Good to see you, I seem to be stuck, and I haven't seen the others, I suppose we're in a bit of a pickle aren't we?"

I smirked, "Guess what Limey? I don't need you anymore." This said, my grin widened and I placed my hands on top of the blonde's head, pushing downward. He only let out a short scream before he was muffled by layers of sort sand. I felt my knees sink in beneath me from the pressure but I did not let up. It was like ecstasy, knowing that I was stripping this boy of life. It would seem like an accident. I didn't know where the others were and I did not care. The pyramids were going to blow up if Cartman was to be believed. Destruction had been caused by my hand, albeit accidently but still. People would certainly have died. I felt a twinge when recalling that many would not be males, but again, it was an accident. Anyway, I was killing that annoying British kid, and I was quite pleased with myself.

I then noticed I was still wearing my clothes after a bomb that destroys all non living material went off in my hands. That... really didn't make sense. Other then perhaps God decided to avoid child pornography today. I'm going to go with that theory as the other theory is that my clothes... and apparently everyone else's clothes... were actually alive. I really wanted to avoid that theory, as it was way too creepy to consider.

Pip's thrashing had only just stopped when I heard Kyle's voice coughing behind me.

"Evalin? What're you doing?" he asked and I turned with a small smile.

"Nothing," I replied briskly and crawled out over the sand again toward the boy whose hat appeared to be lost and his ginger curls bouncing every which way, "Any idea where the others are?"

"No," Kyle shook his head, looking worried. "STAN!" he yelled out.

"MMPH!"

"Stan!" Kyle gasped and crawled in the direction of the mmph, which was obviously pretty close by. I was mildly annoyed for some reason, but nothing too serious. Besides, he was going the opposite direction of where Pip was. This confirmed, I wondered vaguely if Cartman had survived that. Either his weight had dragged him down to the bottom or his girth had provided some sort of distribution of weight that stopped the sinking. Either way, he was probably buried and gone. Huh. That was a bit... I glanced around at the sand as more people were pulling themselves out further away from us.

"Um... Cartman?" I asked, but discovered my voice was soft- too soft to be heard. Well, he had been standing right in front of me right? So, he must be close to... I moved over to the indent where my body had been and looked at the unmoved sand in front of that spot.

"So, is Cartman...?" Stan seemed to question as he and Kyle came over again, sand sprinkling their shirts.

"I guess he must be, I mean, I started paddling upward as soon as I felt the sand falling on me-"

"Me too," Kyle nodded.

"Yeah, that's how you get out of an avalanche," Stan agreed.

"Right," I sighed, "I doubt the fat ass knew... maybe we should try digging?"

"Well... yeah," Kyle nodded a little and the three of us moved our hands quickly to scoop the dust out. It was hard since the sand slipped into the hole as we went. But suddenly I felt something squishy yet firm with my hand. I gripped it and yanked up, suddenly glad the dust didn't hold together well. Stan and Kyle jumped to help and we pulled up the fat tub of lard by the hand. We laid him out in the shadow the crater made as I heard sirens overhead. Cartman didn't look like he was breathing.

"I think someone has to give him mouth to mouth, just in case he can be..." I faded out and then looked at Kyle with wide eyes.

"Oh no no no no!" Kyle shook his head, "No way!"

"Please Kyle, I don't know what to do!" I cried, though it was a full on lie, I knew CPR.

"Evalin, maybe it's better if we didn't anyway," Kyle suggested slowly. I turned on my most adorable look, but to my shock he seemed impervious to it. "No, I'm sure you can breathe into Cartman's mouth yourself."

I glared at him and sighed. I didn't have to do it, but if he ended up dead I really wouldn't have won our contest. Besides, it wasn't as if I hadn't kissed him before. I just didn't like saving a boy's life, it seemed counterproductive. I leaned forward and went at it. When I leaned down a third time as people were attempting to get out of the pit, Cartman gasped. Luckily he'd only been under there about a minute and had been sort of knocked out when the blast went off, which slowed his attempts at breathing. Pip probably struggled for breath and got sand in his lungs. Idiot. ANYWAY, Cartman slowly came to and looked at me wide eyed.

"The HELL was with that rabbit?"

I laughed and consented to fill him in.

*****

When the four of us had scrambled out of the pit we assessed the damage of the situation. Our clothes were fine. The things in our pockets (including my traveller's cheques) were fine. How? I had no bloody clue. But the rest of our stuff was gone and a bunch of people who were in planes and stuff at the edge of the blast got killed when the bottoms of the planes were vanished. I was a little surprised that none of my companions mentioned that Pip had not been found but I was in no mood to remind them of this. We had bigger problems, namely how to get out of the country before the pyramids blew up when the Cairo International Airport had been wiped off the face of the earth.

"We are so fucked!" Cartman stamped his foot and then glared at me. "This is your fault you Jew sniffing sandy vagina cunt!"

"Yes yes I know!" I hissed. "Now will you shut up about it? I realise that I screwed up and we're in something of a dilemma but I'm sure that there are other airports in Egypt. I'm sure we can easily pay off someone to fly us to the next closest international airport- wherever that would be."

"What if they don't accept traveller's cheques?" Stan asked grumpily.

I rolled my eyes. "Then we're royally fucked. We'd then have to either mug a bunch of tourists to get enough cash or else steal a plane and unless one of you happens to know how to fly a plane we're have to get a pilot at gunpoint or something to get us there."

"I know how to fly a plane," Cartman blinked.

"No you don't fat ass!" Kyle snapped.

"Yes I do! I've played Microsoft Flight Simulator lots of times!"

"It's not the same as actually knowing how to fly a plane," Stan sighed.

I shrugged. "More qualification then you've got. Anyway, if push comes to shove we'll find a way to get a plane. So let's go."

I led the way, the three bickering South Park boys behind me. I was putting on a good confident face, but I was actually panicking. If we were still here when the pyramid's blew, we would probably end up stuck in the country for weeks on end and-

"Hello! Wait for me!" came a distinct British accent from behind us.

"Uh, Pip?" I asked, turning.

"Yes, I'm dreadfully sorry, I'm afraid you accidently pushed my head under the sand when you were trying to help me out! Anyway, I've caught up now, tally ho and whatnot!" Pip grinned. I stared. What an insufferable dumbass. He thought I was trying to help him? Jesus.

"Oh, I forgot about him," Cartman grumped.

"I assumed he died or something," Stan shrugged.

"Oh wait!" I grinned widely back at Pip, who looked shocked at this display of happiness from me. "Pip, if we got to a phone, couldn't you call Mr. Whatshisface Bob to get a plane to come get us?"

Pip blinked, "Well, yes I suppose I could..."

"Excellent! Let's find a phone quick, while there's still chaos over the whole airport thing," I dictated and Pip nodded as we immediately set out to search for a tourist station or something. It seemed like everything would work out for me after all. I'd never been so glad to have a murder attempt fail.

That said, if it turns out that Pip isn't any help getting us out of Egypt he's going straight into a meat grinder. Thank you Mrs. Lovett and your wonderful ideas.

_((Joyful Note: Nope, not dead yet. Sorry if the chapter is sort of lame, I'm trying to get us back to South Park. Why the hell did I have them leave anyway? Curse you Evalin and your spontaneous nature! First you go to Egypt, then you blow up an airport, now trying to kill Pip, such randomness *Sigh* Oh well. I apologise for being so slow to update. This Egypt plot is giving me writer's block. I'm going to plan these sort of things out better in the future. Oh, and the thing about them keeping their clothes? Yeah, that was because Charlie worked out the whole nakedness kink in the rabbit version of the detonator, not that anyone in this story will find out about that. Just think, people who skip these end notes will assume I was too lazy and brain dead to think of a reason or re-write the second half of the story when I realised the plothole! But no! Charlie did it. Ha ha ha... yeeeeeaaaaaah))_


End file.
